Alone Time

Yesterday I found myself with some unplanned alone time.  A meeting had been cancelled, the older boys were at school and even the little guy was at preschool.  I weighed my options which included laundry, cleaning, washing sheets, baking or taxes.  A good, responsible wife and mother would have chosen at least one of these options.  I've recently decided to give myself a break, though, on this whole responsible and good stuff.  So I decided to sit and play the piano and completely ignore all the things I "should" be doing.

This is still such a new thing for me, this being able to sit and play when I feel like it.  I found some of my old books from my piano lessons days and started playing through them.  They were mostly Sonatas and Sonatinas that I practiced so often as a child, my fingers seemed to fall right into place, remembering what to do.  It was during one of these formerly well-known Sonatinas that I became overwhelmed with emotion.  It was not a particularly meaningful song to me, it didn't bring back memories or anything, so I can't explain why I suddenly found myself in tears.  It's hard to explain and I realize it sounds so sappy, but something about playing felt so right, like I was doing something I was made to do.  And in my logical mind, this doesn't make any sense.  Nobody heard me, nobody was blessed by my playing, I'm not writing original songs or playing and singing "worship" songs.  Yet I felt so strongly that I was truly glorifying God while playing a Sonatina I had mastered when I was 9, totally alone.

When I was 9 I played the music my teacher assigned to me.  And I was a good little piano student, practicing often (too often, if you ask my younger siblings).  I liked the music, it was fun to play over and over until I could play without even looking at the music.  But I had no appreciation for the music, it was just notes on a page that I could make come alive on the piano.  I think now, though, I finally have an appreciation for the music.  Now I recognize the talent, the God-given gifts that it took to compose these songs.  And whether they were written with the intent of glorifying God or not, to me they do exactly that.  What a privilege it is to take part in that!

A Piano Story

If you’ve read my last few posts, you know that I’ve been on somewhat of a journey trying to not only discover the artistic gifts God has given me, but how I can allow Him to use those gifts for His purpose.   So many cool things have happened through this journey, but I think today’s story is the coolest. 

First, some history.  I come from a long line of piano players on both sides of my family.  It was almost a given that I would play, also.  I started taking lessons at 5.  I finally decided I wanted to do other things with my time around 14.  I loved playing piano as a child, it was a stress reliever, I was confident in my ability to play and I could easily get lost in the music.  In high school I accompanied the choir and continued to play for enjoyment at home.  Then I went to college.  I was not a music major, but I took a couple music classes that made me doubt any musical ability I thought I had.  I pretty much rejected music and moved forward in other things I thought I had real talent in.  I did not even touch a piano for the next 10 years of my life, I did not sing.  I had somehow been convinced that any musical talent I possessed was not good enough and that God would certainly not want to use them.  When we bought our first home, my mom gave me her piano which had been my grandpa’s.  I was excited to play it, but found the lack of time I had and the amount I had forgotten very frustrating.  The piano was hardly touched.  Then we moved and moved again.  The piano remains in that house, far away from me. 

Last year when I did a study on Spiritual Rhythms I recognized playing piano as a desire of my heart.   I told my husband and he brought me back to reality.  There just wasn’t a way to get my piano here or a place to put it.  So I let it go.  The Creative Call confirmed my desire to play piano.  The writer encouraged us to think back to when we were little and what activities fulfilled us.  The answer for me was simple:  piano.  But I immediately began to push those thoughts away and fill with doubt that it would be possible for me to have a piano to play in our current housing situation or that I would even have any ability left to play.  Then God said, “You haven’t asked me”.  Huh.  Why didn’t I think of that?  So I asked Him.  And then I shared with other people my request.  I was immediately presented with options for different pianos and keyboards, but for various reasons they just wouldn’t work.  My husband and I went to a music store to look for something else and I looked longingly at all the different pianos in the store.  I came upon the digital pianos and knew immediately this was an option that would work.  But they were way out of budget.  Ugh.

6 weeks later, I received an email with a flyer attached.  Somebody in our small community was moving and had a digital piano she needed to sell.  For about a quarter of the cost of a new one.  The best part?  I received Christmas money this past year that covers the cost of the piano.  My piano came home yesterday thanks to the muscles of a few good men.  I’m in love.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  My kids are excited to take lessons, and they’re old enough to leave me alone to play.  What a blessing this is for my family!!  But I haven’t been brave enough to sit down and really play it, yet.  Those doubts sit just under the surface, lurking.

I often count my blessings and thank God for all the ways He shows His love to me, to my family, etc.  These are usually fairly generic, though, and it’s sometimes easy to believe He loves us all in the same way.  And then something like this comes along and He shows me how His love for me is so very intimate, that He cares about the things I care about, that He wants to bless me in ways that speak straight to my heart.  How could I do anything but turn those blessings around and offer them right back to Him?  I was reading back through my journal from the past few months and found this prayer:  Lord, I confess that I doubted my gifts were good enough to be used by You.  I gave up and put them aside instead of trusting You.  Please forgive me.  I lay all my doubts and fears and guilt about this at your feet.  I trust You with my gifts and believe that You can and will use them to glorify You, even if I don’t think I’m good enough.”  This continues to be my prayer, feel free to keep me accountable to this if you hear negativity coming out of my mouth in this area!