And so it appears blogging is not my forte, either. Chalk it up to one more thing I have very good intentions of doing, great ideas to start, yet not so good at following through. A wise woman told me the other day that there are three kinds of quilters. There are starters, those that love the idea of the quilt, buying the different fabrics, imagining what the finished product will look like and laying it all out in great fashion. There are great middle quilters who love the actual work of making the quilt, the sewing, intricate details and the time it takes to actually put it together. And then, of course, there are finishers. They love seeing the project through to completion, making the last few adjustments and the pride that comes with finishing. I am not and never will be a quilter, but after listening to her description of these quilters, I knew without even having to think about it that I would definitely be a starter and I think this might just apply to other areas of life :-) I'm not all that creative and I'm certainly not a dreamer type of person, but I love big ideas that other people have and tweaking them to fit my lifestyle. This blog is a great example of that. However, I am bound determined that even though I might not be consistent, I do need the outlet and will use it as often as I can.
Starting the year off on a serious note, I've been thinking a lot about transparency lately. I made a comment at bible study yesterday that actually surprised me coming out of my mouth. First, let me explain the context. If you know my family and the town we live in, you know that it's not always easy being part of my family in this town. There's an expectation to look like you have it all together, even when you don't. Now, in their defense, I think this dynamic has changed much in the past several years, but as I was growing up, this was definitely the expectation. So at bible study we were having a discussion about this and I was able to put words to what I've been feeling for a long time. God is not glorified by an image of "perfection" or having it all together. He is glorified by us being transparent enough to let others see the crap we're going through and still allowing Him to work. So why in the world do us "church people" feel like we have to look like we have it all together, never let anybody see a vulnerable side of us, when God is not being glorified through that?
Now that does not mean we should go around complaining about all our problems, verbally throwing them up on everybody we see. So what does this transparency, this vulnerability look like? I'm not sure I really have the answer, but I think we all know what makes us feel vulnerable. I'm a crier, which I often curse and think of as a weakness. I've learned, though, that when something brings tears to my eyes, I need to stop and pay attention. This is often how God speaks to me and lays things on my heart. I feel especially vulnerable when I cry at church, and if you go to church with me you're probably very aware of this. I imagine all the things the people around me are thinking about me, if they're wondering what's wrong, what kind of awful things I must be going through, etc. etc. etc. And then I'm cursing the fact that we worship in a community center where it is impossible to dim the lights. My crying is out there for everyone to see bright and clear. That's where I'm vulnerable, especially when people ask me if I'm okay, what's wrong, etc. I always brush them off and tell them everything's fine. Well, why couldn't I just say what's actually happening? Would it be so bad to have my church family, people I know and love, lifting me up in prayer? I fail to see a negative here. I guess what I'm saying is we need to get over ourselves!! I have my new years goals of feeding my family more fruits and vegetables, being consistent with my flylady routine and of course the always needed goal of getting and staying in shape, but where my heart is really at this year is being transparent, letting myself be vulnerable with other people and through it all, glorifying God. Anybody with me??
Word (that's what us crazy kids use to say "agreed"). I love this post. Transparency is something that takes effort. It also takes balance. At what point are we sharing too much and not benefiting the kingdom, and when are we holding in too much and not benefiting the kingdom. I think the answer all lies in the definition of community. To be transparent and open with our community, and learning to trust them with our ish, is where we in fact find freedom from our burdens, weaknesses, iniquities, and fears. I think it sounds like you have found your community.
ReplyDeleteOn a sisterly note, I love you. And I think you're an amazing writer, and amazing mother, an amazing wife, and the HANDS DOWN BEST listener on earth. I adore you and think you're pretty good at quite a few things ;)
Aww, thanks sis. It's nice to have a reader :) I was thinking after reading your comment that my boss said something very similar to me the other day about sharing with clients. I often have the desire to share some of my own life with clients to put them at ease, make them feel comfortable with me, etc., but I was wondering how much is too much. She said a good rule of thumb is if it is benefiting them, share it, if it's benefiting me, don't. In the same way, if I'm just complaining, getting something off my chest to make me feel better, it's probably only benefiting me and not the kingdom.
ReplyDeleteI think part of vulnerability, though, is it's not generally stuff you really want others to know about, there's probably no danger of sharing too much of the stuff that makes you really feel vulnerable. So the minute I feel like I need to keep something secret that's a pretty good indicator it's a good time to be transparent. I don't know that I necessarily feel completely safe in my community, I still feel like a bit of an outsider, but if I'm not willing to be transparent and let others in, I'll probably always feel like an outsider. I guess it's worth it to me to trust God in this knowing that He's the only one completely trustworthy. No matter how great the community, it's made of sinners who will let each other down. I truly think He wants me to be transparent in all my walks of life, not just when I feel safe. I'm sure there's other opinions on this, it's just where I happen to be.
I miss you.
DeleteAnd. Stop feeling like an outsider. You live there. I assume by your writing you are growing there. I bet you give there-in many ways. You are not an outsider.
And just to summerize: I miss you