Hiding

The boys and I took a road trip a couple weeks ago.  By boys I mean just my kiddos, the hubby had to stay home and work.  You need to understand that I am not the kind of mom who plans and implements road trip games.  I admire moms who do this and always think I probably should try a little harder in this area, but it has yet to happen.  So road trips with me usually look like this:  the two older boys with headphones on watching dvd's, the little guy sleeping (hopefully) or stuffing his face with whatever treats are interesting enough to keep him from screaming his protest at being in the carseat, and me listening to my music pretending I'm on a nice, relaxing road trip all by myself.  On this particular road trip, however, I decided not to put up the dvd players.  Crazy, I know.  So I decided to check out books on cd from the library that might be interesting for all of us to listen to (aside from the little guy, of course, he's out of luck regardless).  The boys took the news remarkably well and chose to listen to Shiloh first.  I think I've seen the movie before, but never read the book so it was a new experience for all of us and the boys were surprisingly intrigued with it.

Towards the end of the book, while driving over Red Mountain Pass, the boy in the book made a statement that I have not been able to forget since.  I think it's important to note here that God always speaks to me when driving over this pass.  The college I went to required me to drive over this pass in order to get home so I have plenty of experience driving over it.  I can't explain it, but I always look forward to hearing what He has to tell me on this drive.  Anyways, the boy in the book wanted to buy a dog from a very mean man and had to work it off by doing chores for this man.  Toward the end of his time working, he started to realize some things about the man and noticed that the man was very particular about his truck.  He kept it perfectly clean, free of dents and was completely consumed with keeping it this way.  The boy made note that the man kept his truck in perfect condition to hide all the ways he was not perfect.  I was so convicted by this and have been mulling over it ever since.  I figure if I can't get it out of my head, God's trying to tell me something.

So I've been thinking, what am I trying to hide and what am I hiding behind?  Unfortunately, I've come up with quite a long list.  I've been attempting to ditch the effort at perfectionism through this blog and remind myself and others that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to be okay, but I don't think I've been reminded enough.  It's so easy for me to get sucked back into worrying about what people think of me instead of just putting my effort into thinking about people.  I desire to focus on relationships yet I worry that my house isn't clean enough or nice enough to invite people over.  I desire to build new friendships yet I'm consumed with saying just the right thing, looking just the right way, so I chicken out convincing myself that when I have those things together I'll make that move.  I want to be more involved at my children's school, but I worry all the other "good" moms who volunteer weekly will look down their noses at me.  Really, I'm a mess!  I somehow have myself convinced that when I have all these things together, then I can really get to the important things I so desire; deep, meaningful relationships, honesty and integrity in my life, glorifying God in all I do, a heart that reflects His, etc. etc. etc.  God so wants to give me these desires of my heart but I have to stop hiding!

Regular Birthdays

We have a birthday this week in our home.  You fun, creative people are probably going to be appalled by the rest of this post.  As much as I want my kids to feel extra special on their special day, I think I fail miserably every year.  This is just one of those ways that my regularness comes out full force.  Why can't I be creative and fun just a few weeks out of the year????  But no, my practical and slightly lazy side just takes over.

Here's what birthdays look like in our home.  Every other year, the kids can have a "kid" party.  On the opposite years it's just a family party or doing something fun as a family.  The kid parties are simply cake and ice cream, presents and playing.  I have boys, all they really want to do is play with their friends.  I gave up on games and activities long ago when they kept asking if they "could just play".  Sure, go right ahead.  The morning of the birthday I try to have the "Happy Birthday" banner hung up.  It's about 8 years old, ratty and falling apart, but it's a tradition.  I make a yummy breakfast the birthday boy will like.  Dinner is birthday boy's choice, made at home of course.  Then they open the family presents.  That's it.  Woohoo.  And so, I need ideas people!  Not the plan ahead, spend hours making things kind of ideas, either.  Just easy, spur of the moment ideas to help me make my kids feel special on their special day...

That Friend

Today, a story.  Hopefully a story with a point, that is the goal.  This story begins in 6th grade.  Just the mention of 6th grade strikes fear in me and many others I'm sure.  It was this year that I switched from private school where I had the same friends since I was 1 to public school where I did not have 1 friend.  It was my choice to switch so don't go blaming my parents for doing this to me at such an awful time of transition in every child's life. I discovered this year just how shy I really was.  By the end of 6th grade I had 1 friend and I'm pretty sure she only befriended me because she didn't have any other friends.  We had nothing in common and she was really annoying.  It was a long year.  I have to add in here that God recently revealed to me just how much he was protecting me that year so long ago.  My teacher was an amazing man I knew from church, had known all my life and he was so kind to me.  There were a lot of bully's in my class that could have made my life miserable but they never once bothered me.  I was ahead of most of the class in a lot of areas so I never had the stress of always playing catch-up.   It was hard not having friends, but it could have been much worse.  In 6th grade I learned that it sucks to be on the outside looking in, to never quite fit in, to go about life without a friend to do it with.

Fast forward to high school.  I discovered sports, I discovered boys, I discovered extracurricular activities.  I never discovered how to fit in.  I still had a way of always being just on the outside of the circle, looking in, wondering why I wasn't on the inside, whether I really wanted to be.  Things didn't change in college.  I made friends with my teammates but our friendships seem to end outside the gym.  My roommate was never around, I didn't party, I had no idea where to fit in so I just didn't.  So, I got married.  I was a good, supportive wife following my husband wherever his job took him.  He made friends at work, I did not.  We finally settled down long enough for me to make some friends, to start feeling a part of a community when we had to move again.  That move filled me with despair and I was at a point of not wanting to even try anymore.

That's when I met That Friend.  You know, the one who pursued me, who didn't let me off the hook after one meeting.  The one who put herself out there and asked me to do things she had no idea I'd even be up for.  The one I could talk to for hours and never get bored.  The one who loved me and let me know I was worth being a friend to.  God knew I needed her and he put us in the right place at the right time.

Fast forward again.  Me and my friend don't live in the same state anymore, we don't get to talk on the phone much, but we do try to see each other whenever possible and savor every moment together.  I've recently been feeling a little lonely and left out in my community, finding myself again in a position where I just don't seem to fit in.  Wondering if I'm not good friend material, if I'm not nice enough, if I smell...I've been feeling sorry for myself.  Not an admirable thing to do.  A mentor of mine recently told me about a time in her life when she was pregnant and had moved to a new town.  She was lonely, too, but a lady at her new church came alongside her, pursued her and became That Friend to her.  It gave her a whole new lease on life.  So I got to thinking, maybe if I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I could go out and be That Friend for someone else.  Maybe we should all do that..