Ahh, Christmas. A time that normally comes with such joy and celebration, a time I look forward to every year. This year feels a bit different, though. It's been a rough year. Between the two of us, my husband and I have lost three close family members to death this year, first my grandmother, then his father, and then his maternal grandmother just passed away on Sunday. Yes, this Christmas feels a bit different. We know our loved ones are celebrating this Christmas with Jesus, there is no sorrow there. But instead of recalling fond memories and looking forward to spending time with these loved ones, we are recalling the memories and feeling a bit sad that things will be so very different this year. It's hard to move on, make new traditions, new memories without the loved ones we are so accustomed to being with, especially during the Christmas season. It's hard to look forward to visiting family knowing that time will include a funeral, knowing there will be people missing from our already small circle of gift-opening and sharing. There will be tears, lots of them. Not something I look forward to, but a very real part of life.
And yet. I love that phrase, don't you? And yet, the reason we celebrate Christmas has not changed. There is reason for joy and celebration, even if we are a bit sad, even if our earthly circumstances seem to override the joy of the season. We've put this expectation on Christmas that everything should be happy, perfect and joyful. Easy to see why so many people sink into depression during the holidays. Because we live in a sinful world full of death, sadness, rejection, hunger, etc. etc. etc. If we expect the holidays to be joyful and all our circumstances perfect at Christmas, we are bound to be disappointed. But if we expect Christmas to be joyful because Christ has come, then it will be. I can celebrate in spite of my sadness because Christ has come. I can celebrate in spite of my sadness because I know the ending of the story. All that sin and sadness that sucks the joy out of our lives has been forgiven. I have been forgiven and redeemed by that same little baby who's birth we celebrate at Christmas. So, yes, I can be sad and this Christmas will most definitely be different, but I choose to celebrate. I choose to revel in my Savior's coming and worship Him all the more.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Mountains
This morning my bible study encouraged me to write about what inspires me. Of course, music was at the top of my list. I'll write another post about that sometime. But, today, I'm inspired by mountains. Maybe because I have to drive over them this afternoon by myself. There's a certain beauty and awe in the mountains, but also a healthy fear, at least for me!
I grew up in the mountains, I saw their beauty every day but I was a selfish child who only thought of them in terms of what fun they could provide me. I went skiing, sledding and snowmobiling in the mountains and I LOVED them. As a teenager, I began to think of them as nausea-inducing as I rode in a bus over them for countless sporting events, they really just got in the way of where I was going and what I was doing. When I went to college, though, that's when a healthy fear of the mountains developed. Two large, windy, fairly dangerous mountain passes stood between my home town and college. And I drove a tiny little Honda Civic. Great gas mileage, a bit scary for an 18-year-old driving a mountain pass. But I did it, many, many times. I slowly began to appreciate the mountains' beauty and especially loved when I finally made it home, right on the outskirts of town when "my" mountains came into view. Ahhh, home.
As an adult, back when I had two small children, I would drive these same mountain passes with them in the backseat to get home for visits. I would always time things just right so they would (hopefully) sleep over the mountains. I'd put my favorite worship CD in and sing away while driving the familiar road. I can't tell you the number of times I was brought to tears on this drive by the beauty I would see and something about praising God while driving through what has to be one of the most beautiful parts of His creation. I had several of these "mountain top" experiences. It was a difficult time for me and God always spoke so clearly to me through His creation during this time.
So yes, mountains are an inspiration to me. There was a time when we had to leave Colorado and moved to Flagstaff, Arizona. I was not happy about this move, it had been a rough time in my life, my marriage, etc. leading up to this point and I really didn't want to follow my husband. But I did. I did not like Flagstaff, something about it never quite "jived" with me. I never felt like I quite fit in there. BUT, I realized very quickly that God put me in a place that, although it felt nothing like home, it looked quite a lot like home. I was living in the mountains, with a mountain right out my kitchen window to look at. I recognized that, even in my anger and resentment in being there, God was giving me a little personal blessing to get me through. Soon after we moved there, He also gave me a friend. The good friend I had been needing for so long. I didn't know it at the time, but God was preparing me for an even more difficult time in my life. Now I can look back and see it. I love it when that happens :-)
Like I mentioned, God was preparing me for a very difficult time in my life. I won't go into that here, but I want to give you a bit of back info. My husband's career was based in colleges/universities. The small town I grew up in did not, nor would it ever have, a college or university. I knew when I married him that I would never get to live in my home town. Well, through this rough stuff we went through in Flagstaff, God took us back to my home town. We expected to be there a couple weeks on the way to something bigger and better and it's now turned into 3 years with no intention to leave anytime in the near future. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie and I wasn't sure I'd make it through with any sanity left, but God is so gracious. He knew exactly what I needed and blessed me with it. I get to live with my family, with my mountains, in a community that I "fit" into. Maybe it seems dumb to make mountains such a big part of my story, but I love when I can look back and see how God has used His creation to bless me, inspire me, and breathe life into me. Yep, the mountains inspire me.
I grew up in the mountains, I saw their beauty every day but I was a selfish child who only thought of them in terms of what fun they could provide me. I went skiing, sledding and snowmobiling in the mountains and I LOVED them. As a teenager, I began to think of them as nausea-inducing as I rode in a bus over them for countless sporting events, they really just got in the way of where I was going and what I was doing. When I went to college, though, that's when a healthy fear of the mountains developed. Two large, windy, fairly dangerous mountain passes stood between my home town and college. And I drove a tiny little Honda Civic. Great gas mileage, a bit scary for an 18-year-old driving a mountain pass. But I did it, many, many times. I slowly began to appreciate the mountains' beauty and especially loved when I finally made it home, right on the outskirts of town when "my" mountains came into view. Ahhh, home.
As an adult, back when I had two small children, I would drive these same mountain passes with them in the backseat to get home for visits. I would always time things just right so they would (hopefully) sleep over the mountains. I'd put my favorite worship CD in and sing away while driving the familiar road. I can't tell you the number of times I was brought to tears on this drive by the beauty I would see and something about praising God while driving through what has to be one of the most beautiful parts of His creation. I had several of these "mountain top" experiences. It was a difficult time for me and God always spoke so clearly to me through His creation during this time.
So yes, mountains are an inspiration to me. There was a time when we had to leave Colorado and moved to Flagstaff, Arizona. I was not happy about this move, it had been a rough time in my life, my marriage, etc. leading up to this point and I really didn't want to follow my husband. But I did. I did not like Flagstaff, something about it never quite "jived" with me. I never felt like I quite fit in there. BUT, I realized very quickly that God put me in a place that, although it felt nothing like home, it looked quite a lot like home. I was living in the mountains, with a mountain right out my kitchen window to look at. I recognized that, even in my anger and resentment in being there, God was giving me a little personal blessing to get me through. Soon after we moved there, He also gave me a friend. The good friend I had been needing for so long. I didn't know it at the time, but God was preparing me for an even more difficult time in my life. Now I can look back and see it. I love it when that happens :-)
Like I mentioned, God was preparing me for a very difficult time in my life. I won't go into that here, but I want to give you a bit of back info. My husband's career was based in colleges/universities. The small town I grew up in did not, nor would it ever have, a college or university. I knew when I married him that I would never get to live in my home town. Well, through this rough stuff we went through in Flagstaff, God took us back to my home town. We expected to be there a couple weeks on the way to something bigger and better and it's now turned into 3 years with no intention to leave anytime in the near future. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie and I wasn't sure I'd make it through with any sanity left, but God is so gracious. He knew exactly what I needed and blessed me with it. I get to live with my family, with my mountains, in a community that I "fit" into. Maybe it seems dumb to make mountains such a big part of my story, but I love when I can look back and see how God has used His creation to bless me, inspire me, and breathe life into me. Yep, the mountains inspire me.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Carry Me
I don't know about you, but I think being a mom is absolutely exhausting. For me, it feels as though there's all these people, most of them little, who rely on me for everything. EVERYTHING. A friend recently expressed that it's not only in having to DO everything for her littles, it's having to THINK for them, too. It's hard enough to think for myself! I wouldn't change my life or wish not to have my kids, but I'm gonna be real honest and admit there are times when I look longingly back at the time before we had kids or toward the future when they're out of the house. I know I shouldn't do this, I know I should "enjoy them while they're home because the time is so short and you'll long for that time, later". I know, I know, I hear it constantly from wise women who have grown children. But, really, I just want to sleep! I want to wake up when I wake up, not because I'm getting kicked in the face by cold little feet. I want to go on a date with my husband without having to plan 2 weeks in advance, depend on other people to watch the kids, and have to get back before bedtime. I want to have nice furniture that I don't have to worry about getting spilled on, peed on, or worse.
Okay, Okay, enough dreaming. I really do know the importance of enjoying these crazy moments while my kids are home and most of the time I do. I promise! Just trying to keep it real and honest here. The whole reason I'm writing about this is because I have another one of my prayers to share with you. This one was written after reading Psalm 28. Specifically, where David says "Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (vs. 2) and in verse 8-9 when he says "The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever."
Being a mom, I'm always the one the kids come to when they are hurt, scared, or just need a hug. I'm the one always doing the comforting, kissing boo boo's, and rocking back to sleep. Not complaining. I love this! But sometimes I need to be comforted. That's where I was when I wrote this prayer:
I love the thought of You carrying me like a lamb. Sometimes I feel like so much is expected of me and I have to be so strong for everyone else. Sometimes I need to be carried, to be held in your arms and taken care of. I need the peace of knowing I don't have to worry about anything, I only need to trust You and rest in your promise. Thank you for allowing me to do that. 2/28/06
Just like my 3 year old comes to me with his arms outstretched, needing a little comfort from his mama, I can come to Jesus with my arms up and He'll carry me like his little lamb. Somehow that makes the exhausting task of motherhood bearable. After all, I'll have the rest of my life to sleep, right?
Okay, Okay, enough dreaming. I really do know the importance of enjoying these crazy moments while my kids are home and most of the time I do. I promise! Just trying to keep it real and honest here. The whole reason I'm writing about this is because I have another one of my prayers to share with you. This one was written after reading Psalm 28. Specifically, where David says "Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (vs. 2) and in verse 8-9 when he says "The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever."
Being a mom, I'm always the one the kids come to when they are hurt, scared, or just need a hug. I'm the one always doing the comforting, kissing boo boo's, and rocking back to sleep. Not complaining. I love this! But sometimes I need to be comforted. That's where I was when I wrote this prayer:
I love the thought of You carrying me like a lamb. Sometimes I feel like so much is expected of me and I have to be so strong for everyone else. Sometimes I need to be carried, to be held in your arms and taken care of. I need the peace of knowing I don't have to worry about anything, I only need to trust You and rest in your promise. Thank you for allowing me to do that. 2/28/06
Just like my 3 year old comes to me with his arms outstretched, needing a little comfort from his mama, I can come to Jesus with my arms up and He'll carry me like his little lamb. Somehow that makes the exhausting task of motherhood bearable. After all, I'll have the rest of my life to sleep, right?
Monday, December 2, 2013
A Start...
Well, here I am again. The longer I wait to write the more pressure I put on myself to make it really good when I finally do. I’m embarking on somewhat of a creative journey and I have no idea where God will take me in that, all I know is He wants me to start. He wants me to get over myself and my expectations of being good before I start. So, here it is, my start.
In my conviction to start, I began praying for inspiration. What do I even write about? In a moment of
sheer genius, I decided to read my bible. Duh, where else would I begin? BUT, I decided to look in my
old NIV Worship Bible. I haven’t used it for a while, but have kept it on the shelf. It’s like an old friend,
a bible that I used during some pretty rough times. If you’re not familiar with this bible, it has prayers
aligned with many of the verses or chapters as well as verses from many different hymns and worship
songs. These always managed to speak straight to my heart. In the Psalms section of this bible, though,
there are blank lines for the reader to write their own prayers. I read through the Psalms and wrote
my prayers back in 2006. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you’ll recognize the time of life
this put me in. I had two very little boys, 3 and 1, and a husband who came home as little as possible. I
was lonely, emotionally unsupported, in a marriage I had little hope of surviving, and was afraid to let
anybody know what was really going on. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and let you into my prayer life during this time. My hope is that it will be encouraging for somebody else. I didn’t know other moms struggled being moms, I didn’t know other godly women struggled in their marriage, I didn’t know anybody else who could possibly be as lonely as I was. If nothing else, I hope somebody will read this and know they are not alone! I feel like I’m in a good place to share this. God has redeemed my marriage, given me friends to confide in, and put in me the desire to encourage and come alongside other women who may be feeling some of the things I felt.
The first prayer I want to share with you came from Psalm 25. I encourage you to read it so you know
where my prayer came from. I’m always encouraged by David. For being a man after God’s own heart,
he sure screwed up a lot, doubted a lot, and spent a lot of time crying out to God. But I think that last
part is key, through it all, he cried out to God. Even when things were downright depressing and he felt
he had no hope, he cried out to God. Crying out to God allows me to vent, share my frustrations, ask for
help, but more than anything gives me hope. I know I serve a big, majestic God who IS mighty to save.
If I truly believe that, all I need do is cry out and He WILL help me. Okay, enough already, here’s my
prayer:
My hope is in you, Lord. I long to know Your ways, to follow the path You lead me down. I need
you now more than ever because I am lonely, Lord. I miss my husband and long for true companionship. I am happy with You and You are all that I need, but I believe you’ve given me a husband to be my partner, to help raise our kids and I need him! Please fill me with hope, free me from the anguish I’m feeling and let me not be put to shame. I love You and trust that You will make things better than I can even imagine. Thank you for that hope. 2/19/06
I would encourage you to go back and read my post on Love and Marriage to see how God redeemed my marriage. It's encouraging to know somebody else has been there, but it's also encouraging to see redemption and a happy ending, although it's far from over and our journey is still in process. I think it's important to note that, although I wrote this prayer in 2006, I had been struggling already for a good 3 years and it was another 4 years after that before things started to change. If nothing else, my story is a lesson in patience. If I did not completely trust that God's Word was true, I think I would have given up long before things changed. But I had to believe that if God says to cry out to Him and He will help, that He would indeed help, even if His timing looked different than what I would have liked at the time.
There you have it, my start. I have more prayers that I think will be encouraging, so stay tuned. I'm committed to keep writing and let God take it where He wants. Thanks for joining me on my journey!
In my conviction to start, I began praying for inspiration. What do I even write about? In a moment of
sheer genius, I decided to read my bible. Duh, where else would I begin? BUT, I decided to look in my
old NIV Worship Bible. I haven’t used it for a while, but have kept it on the shelf. It’s like an old friend,
a bible that I used during some pretty rough times. If you’re not familiar with this bible, it has prayers
aligned with many of the verses or chapters as well as verses from many different hymns and worship
songs. These always managed to speak straight to my heart. In the Psalms section of this bible, though,
there are blank lines for the reader to write their own prayers. I read through the Psalms and wrote
my prayers back in 2006. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you’ll recognize the time of life
this put me in. I had two very little boys, 3 and 1, and a husband who came home as little as possible. I
was lonely, emotionally unsupported, in a marriage I had little hope of surviving, and was afraid to let
anybody know what was really going on. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and let you into my prayer life during this time. My hope is that it will be encouraging for somebody else. I didn’t know other moms struggled being moms, I didn’t know other godly women struggled in their marriage, I didn’t know anybody else who could possibly be as lonely as I was. If nothing else, I hope somebody will read this and know they are not alone! I feel like I’m in a good place to share this. God has redeemed my marriage, given me friends to confide in, and put in me the desire to encourage and come alongside other women who may be feeling some of the things I felt.
The first prayer I want to share with you came from Psalm 25. I encourage you to read it so you know
where my prayer came from. I’m always encouraged by David. For being a man after God’s own heart,
he sure screwed up a lot, doubted a lot, and spent a lot of time crying out to God. But I think that last
part is key, through it all, he cried out to God. Even when things were downright depressing and he felt
he had no hope, he cried out to God. Crying out to God allows me to vent, share my frustrations, ask for
help, but more than anything gives me hope. I know I serve a big, majestic God who IS mighty to save.
If I truly believe that, all I need do is cry out and He WILL help me. Okay, enough already, here’s my
prayer:
My hope is in you, Lord. I long to know Your ways, to follow the path You lead me down. I need
you now more than ever because I am lonely, Lord. I miss my husband and long for true companionship. I am happy with You and You are all that I need, but I believe you’ve given me a husband to be my partner, to help raise our kids and I need him! Please fill me with hope, free me from the anguish I’m feeling and let me not be put to shame. I love You and trust that You will make things better than I can even imagine. Thank you for that hope. 2/19/06
I would encourage you to go back and read my post on Love and Marriage to see how God redeemed my marriage. It's encouraging to know somebody else has been there, but it's also encouraging to see redemption and a happy ending, although it's far from over and our journey is still in process. I think it's important to note that, although I wrote this prayer in 2006, I had been struggling already for a good 3 years and it was another 4 years after that before things started to change. If nothing else, my story is a lesson in patience. If I did not completely trust that God's Word was true, I think I would have given up long before things changed. But I had to believe that if God says to cry out to Him and He will help, that He would indeed help, even if His timing looked different than what I would have liked at the time.
There you have it, my start. I have more prayers that I think will be encouraging, so stay tuned. I'm committed to keep writing and let God take it where He wants. Thanks for joining me on my journey!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
In the Moment
First of all, I want you all to know that I'm ok. Really ok. There's something about putting my struggles out there for the whole world to see (or just the 10 people who occasionally read my blog) and admitting to myself that something's just not right that is very healing. Once I wrote those truths, I began repeating them to myself, telling God that I really believed them to be true. And you know what? He proved they are indeed true. So now that you're all so relieved to hear I'm not in a pit of despair, I'm moving on.
I've been a parent now for almost 11 years. With my first son I was great at taking lots of pictures, writing every single cute thing he did in the baby book and scrapbooking the most memorable moments. Ever since the birth of my second son it's been all down hill. Those of you who know me will know this next statement to be true: I am not a picture taker. Very rarely do I actually remember to bring a camera and even when I do remember, it usually stays in my bag. And don't tell me I should take pictures on my phone because I live in the dark ages and still use a flip phone with a crappy camera. This bothers me, it really does (not the crappy phone part, the not taking pictures part). I see other moms who have their camera always at the ready and get the greatest shots of their kids doing all the greatest stuff and I want that, I really do. But I just cannot make myself do it. Then there's the writing. I really want to remember all the cute things my kids say and do, I really, really do. But I guess I'm just too darn lazy to actually take the time to write it down. I mean I'd have to carry around a book with me, have a pen available, stop what I'm doing to write it before I forget. It's all just too much work! I've been living in this guilt/shame/feelings of laziness for quite a long time now without knowing quite how to make sense of it.
Well, I finally have it. I read an article today that really made it all click with me. I realized how much I enjoy being in the moment. When I'm at a soccer game, I feel really distracted if I'm trying to take pictures, I just want to watch my kid play and cheer him on (or talk with my mom or the other soccer mom's on the sideline, this is equally as important to this relationship-seeking mom). Not that the picture-taking moms aren't doing this, too, they are just apparently more capable of multi-tasking. I am not. I like to take on one thing and put everything I am into it. I get stressed very easily when I'm trying to do too many things at one time. Things like taking pictures and trying to write things down completely take me out of the moment and really take the joy out of what it is I'm doing. That just doesn't make any sense at all to me. So, instead of feeling guilty for not documenting all the things I'll someday wish I could remember, I'm going to happily live in the moment and enjoy those things as they're happening. I guess I'm more worried about what my kids remember, not what I remember. I know pictures would help them remember, but I'm going to let that go and hope they'll remember their mom being there, cheering them on, being in the moment with them. And I hope they'll forgive me when I don't have photos for their wedding video.
I've been a parent now for almost 11 years. With my first son I was great at taking lots of pictures, writing every single cute thing he did in the baby book and scrapbooking the most memorable moments. Ever since the birth of my second son it's been all down hill. Those of you who know me will know this next statement to be true: I am not a picture taker. Very rarely do I actually remember to bring a camera and even when I do remember, it usually stays in my bag. And don't tell me I should take pictures on my phone because I live in the dark ages and still use a flip phone with a crappy camera. This bothers me, it really does (not the crappy phone part, the not taking pictures part). I see other moms who have their camera always at the ready and get the greatest shots of their kids doing all the greatest stuff and I want that, I really do. But I just cannot make myself do it. Then there's the writing. I really want to remember all the cute things my kids say and do, I really, really do. But I guess I'm just too darn lazy to actually take the time to write it down. I mean I'd have to carry around a book with me, have a pen available, stop what I'm doing to write it before I forget. It's all just too much work! I've been living in this guilt/shame/feelings of laziness for quite a long time now without knowing quite how to make sense of it.
Well, I finally have it. I read an article today that really made it all click with me. I realized how much I enjoy being in the moment. When I'm at a soccer game, I feel really distracted if I'm trying to take pictures, I just want to watch my kid play and cheer him on (or talk with my mom or the other soccer mom's on the sideline, this is equally as important to this relationship-seeking mom). Not that the picture-taking moms aren't doing this, too, they are just apparently more capable of multi-tasking. I am not. I like to take on one thing and put everything I am into it. I get stressed very easily when I'm trying to do too many things at one time. Things like taking pictures and trying to write things down completely take me out of the moment and really take the joy out of what it is I'm doing. That just doesn't make any sense at all to me. So, instead of feeling guilty for not documenting all the things I'll someday wish I could remember, I'm going to happily live in the moment and enjoy those things as they're happening. I guess I'm more worried about what my kids remember, not what I remember. I know pictures would help them remember, but I'm going to let that go and hope they'll remember their mom being there, cheering them on, being in the moment with them. And I hope they'll forgive me when I don't have photos for their wedding video.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Hope
I just looked back and realized I haven't written anything here since March. Pardon my french but it's been a helluva 6 months. I'm afraid this post will have some of you very worried about me, will probably scare some of you away or you may even write me off as a complete loony. I believe my husband would agree with the loony part. I am more and more convinced of the need to be very honest about my struggles, insecurities, sin, etc. I'm tired of hiding behind this veil of everything being fine. I'm not really fine. Part of me hesitates to write this, because there are so many people in my life who are struggling with very real disappointments, loss, illness, etc. and I feel like I have no reason to not be fine. That part of me feels guilty. I don't think guilt is a healthy thing, but honesty and openness is pretty healthy so here goes.
When I recently read this next piece, I immediately felt like it was speaking directly to me, as if I had written the words myself. I read this in a book I'm reading called "Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess." It's written by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin. I ordered this book on a whim because I wanted the handmade purse that was being sold with it. I ordered it as a mother's day gift for myself and it has spoken straight to my heart! Anyways, here's the piece that really resonated with me:
I've pretty much fallen short in every category. I am tired and not really good for much right now. The trouble is, Lord, I need to be amazing and i'm fresh out of amazing. At least it sure feels that way. Lord, I'm dry. Empty. Hit the wall. I got nothing. - Stacey Thacker
I got nothing. That's where I'm at. I have three active, crazy boys who need me. I have an awesome husband who works so hard for this family then comes home and helps me dig out from under the laundry, dishes and toys that have taken over. He needs me. I have clients who need me, family who needs me and church family who need me. But I got nothing. I've been trying to scrape all I can together and put a good face forward, but it just feels like that little bit of effort is scratching at the already dry well that is me. I can't explain it. I can't look back and say there is one thing or even a few things that have really put me in this downward spiral, I'm just there. And I don't know how to get out. I'm not sure what to tell my loved ones when they ask how they can help. Thinking hurts. So I just keep going, one step in front of the other, completely exhausted.
I'm not asking for sympathy or help. Nor am I asking you to lower your expectations of me. Because even in this pit where I'm struggling to find which way is up, there are truths that I know. I KNOW that I do not have to do this alone. I KNOW that in my weakness, He is strong. I KNOW He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me. I KNOW that He who keeps me will not slumber nor sleep, He is where my help comes from. I KNOW that He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I can fully trust. Those are some pretty powerful truths, don't you think? It's hard to read those, meditate on those, voice those without my spirit being uplifted. There is hope. This is where I'm at, but it's not where I'll stay. I don't have to be ashamed for being in a low place, I don't have to hide it or pretend I'm fine. Because I have hope. Don't worry about me, friends. If anything, take a look at your life and be honest. Tell somebody. And if you see my husband, you may want to give a little encouraging hug, he really does think I'm losing it!
When I recently read this next piece, I immediately felt like it was speaking directly to me, as if I had written the words myself. I read this in a book I'm reading called "Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess." It's written by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin. I ordered this book on a whim because I wanted the handmade purse that was being sold with it. I ordered it as a mother's day gift for myself and it has spoken straight to my heart! Anyways, here's the piece that really resonated with me:
I've pretty much fallen short in every category. I am tired and not really good for much right now. The trouble is, Lord, I need to be amazing and i'm fresh out of amazing. At least it sure feels that way. Lord, I'm dry. Empty. Hit the wall. I got nothing. - Stacey Thacker
I got nothing. That's where I'm at. I have three active, crazy boys who need me. I have an awesome husband who works so hard for this family then comes home and helps me dig out from under the laundry, dishes and toys that have taken over. He needs me. I have clients who need me, family who needs me and church family who need me. But I got nothing. I've been trying to scrape all I can together and put a good face forward, but it just feels like that little bit of effort is scratching at the already dry well that is me. I can't explain it. I can't look back and say there is one thing or even a few things that have really put me in this downward spiral, I'm just there. And I don't know how to get out. I'm not sure what to tell my loved ones when they ask how they can help. Thinking hurts. So I just keep going, one step in front of the other, completely exhausted.
I'm not asking for sympathy or help. Nor am I asking you to lower your expectations of me. Because even in this pit where I'm struggling to find which way is up, there are truths that I know. I KNOW that I do not have to do this alone. I KNOW that in my weakness, He is strong. I KNOW He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me. I KNOW that He who keeps me will not slumber nor sleep, He is where my help comes from. I KNOW that He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I can fully trust. Those are some pretty powerful truths, don't you think? It's hard to read those, meditate on those, voice those without my spirit being uplifted. There is hope. This is where I'm at, but it's not where I'll stay. I don't have to be ashamed for being in a low place, I don't have to hide it or pretend I'm fine. Because I have hope. Don't worry about me, friends. If anything, take a look at your life and be honest. Tell somebody. And if you see my husband, you may want to give a little encouraging hug, he really does think I'm losing it!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Not Nice Nicole
I've been wanting to write a post about this subject for a while, but I've been too chicken. I really don't like conflict, I don't like the idea of offending anybody, I really just want to be Nice Nicole. The easy-going one who loves everybody and just likes to make others feel good. I'm afraid this post will show you a different side of Nice Nicole. Why am I finally writing this post? A friend of mine lost her parents in a tragic accident this week and two other family members are in critical condition. As tragic death always does, this week's events spurred me to evaluate what really matters in my life and what I am spending my time, efforts, money, and emotions on.
I've been disturbed lately by how easily I get caught up in the "natural health" movement. I read all the facebook posts, blog posts, magazine articles, etc. just like you all do and it's scary. They so easily have me worrying that my family is going to DIE from exposure to toxins that are in every are of our home, that I'm a horrible mom for having my children vaccinated, that sugar is the devil, that doctors and dentists are the devil, etc. etc. etc. It really is ridiculous. But all around me I watch people, young moms, myself often included, take this information and spend every last amount of time, energy, and money that they have to do all the things we are "supposed" to in order to have a healthy family. And that's where they get you, we all want a healthy family, right?
I've been going through a bible study by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. I realized in going through this study that I definitely fear losing my family. I stress about keeping us as healthy as possible so we will live a very long time. That's why I get so easily caught up in these health movements, completely out of fear. I also realized through this bible study that this kind of fear and worrying is sin. Beth writes, "we were created to attach and depend so that we would migrate toward God and find safety. To entice us, Satan offers us alternate attachments masquerading as fulfillments to our inner needs. Any attachment other than God is a fraud... Wrong attachment means growing dependent on something other than God." I've been attaching myself to natural, healthy living in order to keep my family healthy and safe. As if anything I do can prevent an accident or illness if God has a different plan for their lives. God doesn't want me to be worried about tomorrow or next year or the year after that. He's already told me what awaits me when I die, and in the meantime, He just wants me to consistently come to Him. That's all.
Do I think it's wrong to use non-toxic cleaners, buy organic food and take all the right supplements? No. Not that my opinion really matters, I'm just throwing it out there. But if my husband has to get a second job to pay for all those things and I spend all my time in the kitchen making everything homemade instead of pouring into my children all because I'm afraid of how my family will turn out otherwise, then, yes, it's probably wrong for me. I'll do what I can to be healthy when I have the time and money to do so, but I have to watch myself carefully to make sure it's not becoming something I attach to or depend on. To me, a healthy family means we enjoy our time together, we help each other, we respect each other, and most of all, we live and love like Jesus. We may not be the most physically healthy family, but I'd like to say we're living with hope instead of fear, God's strength instead of our strength, and in victory no matter how long or how short our lives may be.
I've been disturbed lately by how easily I get caught up in the "natural health" movement. I read all the facebook posts, blog posts, magazine articles, etc. just like you all do and it's scary. They so easily have me worrying that my family is going to DIE from exposure to toxins that are in every are of our home, that I'm a horrible mom for having my children vaccinated, that sugar is the devil, that doctors and dentists are the devil, etc. etc. etc. It really is ridiculous. But all around me I watch people, young moms, myself often included, take this information and spend every last amount of time, energy, and money that they have to do all the things we are "supposed" to in order to have a healthy family. And that's where they get you, we all want a healthy family, right?
I've been going through a bible study by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. I realized in going through this study that I definitely fear losing my family. I stress about keeping us as healthy as possible so we will live a very long time. That's why I get so easily caught up in these health movements, completely out of fear. I also realized through this bible study that this kind of fear and worrying is sin. Beth writes, "we were created to attach and depend so that we would migrate toward God and find safety. To entice us, Satan offers us alternate attachments masquerading as fulfillments to our inner needs. Any attachment other than God is a fraud... Wrong attachment means growing dependent on something other than God." I've been attaching myself to natural, healthy living in order to keep my family healthy and safe. As if anything I do can prevent an accident or illness if God has a different plan for their lives. God doesn't want me to be worried about tomorrow or next year or the year after that. He's already told me what awaits me when I die, and in the meantime, He just wants me to consistently come to Him. That's all.
Do I think it's wrong to use non-toxic cleaners, buy organic food and take all the right supplements? No. Not that my opinion really matters, I'm just throwing it out there. But if my husband has to get a second job to pay for all those things and I spend all my time in the kitchen making everything homemade instead of pouring into my children all because I'm afraid of how my family will turn out otherwise, then, yes, it's probably wrong for me. I'll do what I can to be healthy when I have the time and money to do so, but I have to watch myself carefully to make sure it's not becoming something I attach to or depend on. To me, a healthy family means we enjoy our time together, we help each other, we respect each other, and most of all, we live and love like Jesus. We may not be the most physically healthy family, but I'd like to say we're living with hope instead of fear, God's strength instead of our strength, and in victory no matter how long or how short our lives may be.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Perfection
Ask anyone and they'll tell you that no one can be perfect. Impossible. I say the same thing, impossible, except, of course, for Jesus. Him being perfect is what makes salvation even possible! What I'm trying to figure out, though, is why we seem to strive for perfection. I know you're thinking, "I don't try to be perfect, that's impossible." That's what I've said to myself for many years now, but I seem to be finding evidence that proves otherwise. Don't worry, I'll explain.
I had kind of an aha moment this week while walking. It was the first time since last fall that I've been able to get out the stroller and walk on our road. It's just been too snowy, icy, slushy, muddy, etc. But yesterday, it was a beautiful, sunny day and the road had dried enough to walk on. Hallelujah!! Here's where the aha moment came, but you need a little history.
In the past, I've spent all day at home, moving from one task to another, not really content with my progress, always wishing there were more hours in the day, pushing my toddler away so I can get the things done that NEED to be done. I fit in a 12 minute interval workout because I just don't have time for anything else. My days just seemed to flow into one another with nothing ever really getting accomplished. Enter Flylady. I know I've mentioned her before, but you have to believe me that this is an awesome system for keeping your home clear of clutter and company ready! For the past 8 years I've used the flylady system on an off. Well, last week I decided to get on it again. Having a system just makes all the difference for me. I find that if I take 5 minutes in the morning to get dressed, get myself looking somewhat decent, wipe down the bathroom and put a load of laundry in, my whole day opens up! Otherwise, I get up, drink coffee, get on the computer and then wonder how I'm going to get everything done that needs to be done that day and 2 hours later I finally decide to get my butt off my chair. The flylady system operates under the principle that things don't have to be done perfect, they just have to get done. In the past, I've told myself that if I don't have time to dust the way it's supposed to be done, moving every object and wiping under them, cleaning the objects as I go, then I should just wait until I do have time. 2 months later, I still haven't had time to dust the way it's "supposed" to be done. The flylady way is to fly through the house with a feather duster once a week on my home blessing day (a nice way of saying cleaning day). Yes, I just move the dust around, but it sure looks a lot better than it did before and later when I do my 15 minutes of "zone work" I can dust correctly in just that one zone. Eventually it all gets done and without all the hoopla of perfection.
So here's where the aha moment came in. I had spent my five minutes wiping down the bathroom, putting a load of laundry in, I unloaded the dishwasher and did my 15 minutes of decluttering, all in 30 minutes! In the past I would have hem hawed all day about getting all this done. Sheesh. Anyways, I did all this, noticed how nice it was outside and really felt like going for a walk. Remember, I normally only give myself 12 minutes to workout because that's all I have time for. But because I had spent 30 minutes getting all those other things done, I gave myself permission to take my son and go for a nice, long walk. We stopped and looked at the ducks, I let him out of the stroller so he could walk and play. It was wonderful! I just kept thinking how normally I would have been rushing to get back because I had so much to do. Because I let go of my striving for perfection in my housework, I was able to enjoy myself and my son. And you know what? Somebody could have stopped by and my house may not have been spotless, but I would have had clean bathrooms and I wouldn't have been in my pajamas!
I guess all this is to say that in some ways, I absolutely strive for perfection. I have an idea in my head of how things should be done, what kind of mom, wife, friend, employee I should be and if I don't have the time or energy to do it correctly (perfectly), I just have to settle for being less than perfect, which usually means I don't even try. And I constantly beat myself up for this, living in this state of "not good enough!" It sounds so dumb, because I really do know that I CANNOT be perfect! Why does it not seem okay to just do what we can do? God doesn't ask for perfection, why in the world should we be striving for it? Yes, I want to be a great mom, friend, wife, employee, but if I have myself so tied up in perfectionism, I'm too afraid to actually try. I'm learning that by letting go of the perfectionism in the keeping of my home, I actually have more time and energy to put into being a good wife, mom, friend and employee. Not a perfect one, but a good one. Thank you Flylady!
p.s. check her out at www.flylady.net. I get nothing for promoting her, I just love her!
I had kind of an aha moment this week while walking. It was the first time since last fall that I've been able to get out the stroller and walk on our road. It's just been too snowy, icy, slushy, muddy, etc. But yesterday, it was a beautiful, sunny day and the road had dried enough to walk on. Hallelujah!! Here's where the aha moment came, but you need a little history.
In the past, I've spent all day at home, moving from one task to another, not really content with my progress, always wishing there were more hours in the day, pushing my toddler away so I can get the things done that NEED to be done. I fit in a 12 minute interval workout because I just don't have time for anything else. My days just seemed to flow into one another with nothing ever really getting accomplished. Enter Flylady. I know I've mentioned her before, but you have to believe me that this is an awesome system for keeping your home clear of clutter and company ready! For the past 8 years I've used the flylady system on an off. Well, last week I decided to get on it again. Having a system just makes all the difference for me. I find that if I take 5 minutes in the morning to get dressed, get myself looking somewhat decent, wipe down the bathroom and put a load of laundry in, my whole day opens up! Otherwise, I get up, drink coffee, get on the computer and then wonder how I'm going to get everything done that needs to be done that day and 2 hours later I finally decide to get my butt off my chair. The flylady system operates under the principle that things don't have to be done perfect, they just have to get done. In the past, I've told myself that if I don't have time to dust the way it's supposed to be done, moving every object and wiping under them, cleaning the objects as I go, then I should just wait until I do have time. 2 months later, I still haven't had time to dust the way it's "supposed" to be done. The flylady way is to fly through the house with a feather duster once a week on my home blessing day (a nice way of saying cleaning day). Yes, I just move the dust around, but it sure looks a lot better than it did before and later when I do my 15 minutes of "zone work" I can dust correctly in just that one zone. Eventually it all gets done and without all the hoopla of perfection.
So here's where the aha moment came in. I had spent my five minutes wiping down the bathroom, putting a load of laundry in, I unloaded the dishwasher and did my 15 minutes of decluttering, all in 30 minutes! In the past I would have hem hawed all day about getting all this done. Sheesh. Anyways, I did all this, noticed how nice it was outside and really felt like going for a walk. Remember, I normally only give myself 12 minutes to workout because that's all I have time for. But because I had spent 30 minutes getting all those other things done, I gave myself permission to take my son and go for a nice, long walk. We stopped and looked at the ducks, I let him out of the stroller so he could walk and play. It was wonderful! I just kept thinking how normally I would have been rushing to get back because I had so much to do. Because I let go of my striving for perfection in my housework, I was able to enjoy myself and my son. And you know what? Somebody could have stopped by and my house may not have been spotless, but I would have had clean bathrooms and I wouldn't have been in my pajamas!
I guess all this is to say that in some ways, I absolutely strive for perfection. I have an idea in my head of how things should be done, what kind of mom, wife, friend, employee I should be and if I don't have the time or energy to do it correctly (perfectly), I just have to settle for being less than perfect, which usually means I don't even try. And I constantly beat myself up for this, living in this state of "not good enough!" It sounds so dumb, because I really do know that I CANNOT be perfect! Why does it not seem okay to just do what we can do? God doesn't ask for perfection, why in the world should we be striving for it? Yes, I want to be a great mom, friend, wife, employee, but if I have myself so tied up in perfectionism, I'm too afraid to actually try. I'm learning that by letting go of the perfectionism in the keeping of my home, I actually have more time and energy to put into being a good wife, mom, friend and employee. Not a perfect one, but a good one. Thank you Flylady!
p.s. check her out at www.flylady.net. I get nothing for promoting her, I just love her!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Pinterest, a Love/Hate Relationship
Simplify. This has been my word for a few years now. I desire a simple life, low stress, surrounded by only things I truly need. I think it began when I moved from a 1500 square foot house to a 900 square foot apartment. This took some serious downsizing and I realized I didn't really need all that stuff anyways. I began looking for other ways to decrease material things and increase my joy and satisfaction with my life as it is. It's a struggle in a world that says you need a large home, the latest gadgets, a closet full of fashionable clothes (and shoes), and fun toys to have a good life. I was dabbling in this process of simplifying when I found Pinterest.
I love the idea, I really do, and after a few days I began telling everybody I knew that they had to try this site. I began pinning anything and everything that seemed like a great idea. I decided there was no need to buy a scarf, when I could make one "so easily" on my own. There's no need to buy Christmas presents when I could "so easily" craft them. I pinned creative activities to do with my children, I pinned creative organizing tips, cleaning tips, and recipes for homemade EVERYTHING. I was gung ho, went shopping for the supplies I would need to do all these things and pulled out the sewing machine. Here's what I discovered: I hate spending the few minutes alone I have during the day sewing and it's impossible to sew with a toddler, at least in my house. Honestly, I don't really like sewing and I'm really not good at it. I tried my hand at jewelry making which the boys promptly invaded. The evening ended with my husband and I completely frustrated trying to figure out how to complete the necklaces and bracelets my kids were beading a mile a minute. There was yelling and tears, I'm not proud of it. I bought tiles and felt pads at Home Depot two years ago with the intention of making personalized coasters. They're still in the garage. I pinned a whole bunch of meaningful Advent ideas that I never quite got around to putting in place, birthday party ideas I'll never have the patience to actually do and craft ideas that now just have my head spinning. AHHHH!!!
So it's a new year. My desire, again, is to simplify my life. I've thought and prayed about where God wants me this year, what things should I commit to that utilize the talents and abilities He has given me. And you know what? It's not in being crafty. As much as I would like to be artistic and make all the gifts I give, that's just not my talent and I'm pretty sure God's not honored by me trying to be someone I'm not. It's also not in planning amazing parties or activities for my children. As much as they would love to have a mom who could party plan with the best, I think they would also love a mom who's not completely stressed because she's trying to pull of something she doesn't even like doing. What I do love and seem to have some talent at is cooking healthy meals for my family. And not over the top healthy, with foods we can't afford to buy. I'm going to do the best I can with the foods available to me and not feel guilty. I also love writing. I would so much rather use my free time writing than struggling with a sewing machine. I'm not sure what that will look like, but when I have the time, I will write. I discovered last year that I love praying. I learned to spend good, quality time listening to God and spending time with Him. And then I committed myself to too much other stuff and missed out on that time with Him. This year I will spend time praying. And there you have it. There's a lot of other things that pull for my attention that I don't really have much choice about, a 2 year old, for instance. I love my crazy life with three busy boys and an even busier husband. I must care for my children and husband, I must work and I must attempt to keep a clean home. But after that, I will cook, I will write, and I will pray.
I love the idea, I really do, and after a few days I began telling everybody I knew that they had to try this site. I began pinning anything and everything that seemed like a great idea. I decided there was no need to buy a scarf, when I could make one "so easily" on my own. There's no need to buy Christmas presents when I could "so easily" craft them. I pinned creative activities to do with my children, I pinned creative organizing tips, cleaning tips, and recipes for homemade EVERYTHING. I was gung ho, went shopping for the supplies I would need to do all these things and pulled out the sewing machine. Here's what I discovered: I hate spending the few minutes alone I have during the day sewing and it's impossible to sew with a toddler, at least in my house. Honestly, I don't really like sewing and I'm really not good at it. I tried my hand at jewelry making which the boys promptly invaded. The evening ended with my husband and I completely frustrated trying to figure out how to complete the necklaces and bracelets my kids were beading a mile a minute. There was yelling and tears, I'm not proud of it. I bought tiles and felt pads at Home Depot two years ago with the intention of making personalized coasters. They're still in the garage. I pinned a whole bunch of meaningful Advent ideas that I never quite got around to putting in place, birthday party ideas I'll never have the patience to actually do and craft ideas that now just have my head spinning. AHHHH!!!
So it's a new year. My desire, again, is to simplify my life. I've thought and prayed about where God wants me this year, what things should I commit to that utilize the talents and abilities He has given me. And you know what? It's not in being crafty. As much as I would like to be artistic and make all the gifts I give, that's just not my talent and I'm pretty sure God's not honored by me trying to be someone I'm not. It's also not in planning amazing parties or activities for my children. As much as they would love to have a mom who could party plan with the best, I think they would also love a mom who's not completely stressed because she's trying to pull of something she doesn't even like doing. What I do love and seem to have some talent at is cooking healthy meals for my family. And not over the top healthy, with foods we can't afford to buy. I'm going to do the best I can with the foods available to me and not feel guilty. I also love writing. I would so much rather use my free time writing than struggling with a sewing machine. I'm not sure what that will look like, but when I have the time, I will write. I discovered last year that I love praying. I learned to spend good, quality time listening to God and spending time with Him. And then I committed myself to too much other stuff and missed out on that time with Him. This year I will spend time praying. And there you have it. There's a lot of other things that pull for my attention that I don't really have much choice about, a 2 year old, for instance. I love my crazy life with three busy boys and an even busier husband. I must care for my children and husband, I must work and I must attempt to keep a clean home. But after that, I will cook, I will write, and I will pray.
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