Artist. Or Not.

I mentioned a while back that I was embarking on a journey to discover what my calling is as an artist.  It’s really important that you understand I have never, EVER viewed myself as an artist.  I learned early on that I was not capable of drawing anything other than a stick figure and my natural interests just never led me in the way of other artistic endeavors.  I thought art was drawing, painting, pottery, basically things you created with your hands and your artistic eye.  I spent many years learning and playing the piano, but I played strictly what the sheet music told me to play so I didn’t even think that was artistic.  I wrote essays and speeches very successfully in school, but failed miserably at writing creative fiction.  It never occurred to me that writing anything other than creative fiction was artistic in any way.  In the years that followed, I labeled myself very concretely as an un-artistic person and I lived in that, I was totally ok with it. 

And yet I found myself a few months ago in a small room packed with a whole bunch of women, many whom I know to be amazing artists, all of us wanting to learn who we are as artists and how to use the talents God has given us.  I can’t really explain why I even went to this first meeting.  I mean, why in the world would an un-artistic person want to learn how to be artistic?  It’s something you have or you don’t, right?  And I thought I had proven I did not have it!  But something about the description piqued my interest and I took the plunge.  It’s been an interesting journey to say the least. 

We’re 7 chapters into the book and I’m just now beginning to think I might, just might, have some artistic abilities that God would possibly want to use.  I wish I could tell you I’ve approached this with a positive attitude, but my lack of self-confidence in this area has really made the whole journey hard.  It’s like I know God can use whatever I give Him, He’s awesome like that, but I have myself convinced that what I have to offer is nowhere good enough.  I’m constantly fighting against what I know to be true.  One week I’m feeling secure in that I am God’s artist, that what I have to offer doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be offered.  Another week I feel like God might as well skip right over me and use somebody who really has valuable artistic abilities.  I’ve even had a bit of a pity party over this.

But God’s recently given me some insights that have turned my attitude around.  I’ve always thought that an artist has the ability to see beyond what is to what it can be, that an artist can see beauty in the broken, discarded things of this world and have the ability to turn them into something beautiful.  God has shown me that while I don’t have that kind of vision or talent when it comes to objects, colors, or blank canvases, I do have that vision when it comes to people.  And while I certainly can’t create people, I can allow God to use my words and actions to help hurt, broken and seemingly discarded people become who He desires for them to be.  Whether that’s through my story told in person or in my writing, through helping lead a room full of people in worship, or simply through sharing music with my children in our home, God can see my heart and use whatever I’m willing to give Him, talented, marketable or not, to make beautiful things.  So while I may never identify myself as an artist, I can definitely call myself His artist.  

Fight

This one feels especially personal.  Part of me hesitates to put it out there, but I have a feeling that I’m just not the only one dealing with this stuff.  My stuff may not be particularly helpful or insightful to most people, but if there’s somebody else out there dealing with the same stuff, I can at least prove you’re not the only one.  Camaraderie goes a long way.  So, here goes:

I am a non-confrontational person.  I avoid it at all costs.  I just don’t like it.  Thankfully, I’m very hard to offend.  God has blessed me with a natural ability to see beyond other people’s words and actions that could be considered offensive and wonder what’s going on behind the scenes that might cause them to react that way.  I am understanding and sensitive to others.  Unfortunately, that means I’m also extremely gullible.  I can be convinced of just about anything J  Because of this, I don’t usually have occasion for confrontation…

EXCEPT when it comes to my husband.  I don’t know what it is, but all that stuff goes out the window when it comes to him.  I become opinionated and not afraid to share it.  I take anything even remotely uncomfortable and exaggerate it.  I become ultra-sensitive and very easily offended.  With him, I want to fight.  I want to be heard and I’ll use whatever means necessary to get what I need from him.  And our fighting is ugly.  Not physical, but ugly with words.  We’re mean and selfish and we both say things we know will hurt.  I know better, I really do.  I’ve tried so hard to let things go and be the quiet, submissive wife I know I should be.  Why is it so hard? 

I read this verse in my devotions recently that really convicted me.  The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Exodus 14:14  I started to think about why I fight with my husband and what I’m hoping to gain from it.  It occurred to me that somehow I’ve convinced myself that I have to stick up for myself or I’ll become his doormat.  I guess it’s this societal pressure to be a strong woman who can hold my own, that would never let a man keep me down.  It doesn’t help that I have a very strong-willed, highly opinionated man who can easily walk all over a quiet, non-confrontational woman like me without even realizing he’s doing it.  You have to understand, my husband is not an oppressive man who has any desire to make me a doormat.  In fact, I think he believes in me more than I do, so I don’t know why I’m convinced I need to fight for myself.  Fighting is getting me nowhere.  It doesn’t make me strong, it makes my marriage weak.  It doesn’t make me equal with him, it just widens the gap between us. 

So I’m doing my best not to fight.  I have to trust that if there’s something my husband needs to be convicted of, I’m probably not the one who’s going to convince him of it!  I have to trust that if something I’m feeling the need to fight about is truly worth the fight, God can handle it.  Without my help!  We don’t fight all the time, in fact I think we have a pretty good marriage, but it happens enough to drive a wedge between us and it needs to stop.  I don’t believe it’s going to stop because all our problems are suddenly solved, I believe it’s going to stop when I start keeping my mouth shut.  I can share my opinions, I can help make decisions for our family, I can even participate in discussions when the need arises, but I need to be very conscious of asking myself if what I’m going to say is likely to cause a fight.  If so, then it’s not worth saying.   Instead of fighting in my marriage I’m going to fight for my marriage, one “keep your mouth shut, Nicole” at a time.

Lessons from Preschool

As I mentioned in my last post, part of our Christmas break included going to the funeral of my husband’s grandma.  While it was certainly sad to celebrate Christmas without her, the time with family we don’t get to see often was an unexpected blessing.  We held a sort of reception after the funeral service to be able to spend time with family and celebrate this amazing woman’s life.  After most of the people had left, I witnessed my husband’s aunt very patiently allowing my 3 year old to use serving tongs to help her put together a plate of leftovers.  This is a task I would have sent him away for so I could do it myself.  It’s a task that could be messy, could be wasteful, and would certainly take three times as long for him to do as it would if I just took care of it myself.  As a mom, that’s how I look at things.  I have so many things on my plate at any one time and I’m always in get it done mode.  My husband’s aunt is a preschool teacher, though.  She loves to see children use their motor skills to complete a task.  She loves to see them figure things out for themselves.  She loves to see the sense of accomplishment they feel when that task is completed.  I love these things, too, but don’t often have the time or patience to allow them to happen. 

As I was recalling this moment later the thought hit me that God is like a preschool teacher!  He is all about the process, all about us learning, all about blessing us with a sense of accomplishment when we come through to the other side of the process.  He’s so patient even when we want to be SO independent and think we can do everything “my my myself” as my 3 year old would say.  He’s patient with our tantrums, our selfishness, and our lack of focus.  And through it all he’s kind and loving and sees our potential.  He’s like the best preschool teacher ever!

I was reminded recently in a staff meeting as we were discussing the need to make up a shortfall of funds in our orphan care ministry, that the end result is so easy for God.  He can make that money appear in any number of ways in an instant.  He can heal our sickness, provide housing, get us a job, or heal our marriage all in the blink of an eye.  But He’s not like that multi-tasking, frazzled, just get it done mom.  He’s much more like the preschool teacher who knows there is so much value in trying, in using our brains and bodies, in working through something that doesn’t come easy, in taking the time to learn and grow through the task.  He sees the potential in us, He knows the end result and He wants us to get there by relying on Him for guidance and working through it with Him.  Just like a preschool teacher wouldn’t tell her students what to do and then leave them to their own devices to figure out how to do it, God’s right by our side, showing us the way, calming us down when we get frustrated, and comforting us when it doesn’t go the way we think it should.  I just love knowing that nothing is too big for Him, but He loves me too much to just give me everything I want or even need.  He loves me so much that He wants to make me better, stronger, more humble, more compassionate and understanding, and more like Him.  That’s worth the process.