I'm on a roll here, my mind's been going non-stop the past couple weeks and I feel the need to get it all down. I'm not sure why, but lately I've been watching shows like Clean House and Hoarders when I work out. They're not particularly motivating for my workout, but they're just about the right length and I'm strangely addicted to them. Now, I'm somewhat in the mental health field and I recognize that some of these people really do have mental disorders. However, it is so hard for me to understand how these people can accumulate so much stuff (much of it actual trash, no joke) in the first place, why in the world they have a hard time letting it go, and how they can let it get back to the awful state it was only months after getting it all cleaned up!! I get so frustrated at this every time I watch. Hmm, maybe that's the connection. If I'm frustrated, I work out harder!
Anyways, yesterday as I was making my post-workout protein shake it hit me: This is exactly what I do with Jesus. There's this great clip we've watched in church a few times where Jesus offers to take this lady's bag of trash, she gives it to Him, feels so free and then immediately goes back to retrieve "just this one thing" from the trash bag. So here I am, accumulating all this sin in my life, carrying it around on my shoulders, feeling so burdened by it. Jesus reminds me that He wants to take this from me, I just have to give it to Him. At first it sounds great, "Yes, Jesus, please take it away from me!" But then I see all the little things He's taking that are really hard for me to give up and I cringe a bit, fight a bit, even hold on just a little bit longer... Eventually I give it all over to Him, love the feeling of being free from the weight of it, look around me enjoying things I hadn't been because I was so crushed by the guilt and burden of my sin. And this lasts a while. But then I realize I kinda liked that one little thing, maybe I could just take that back. It's only a little sin and it's not really hurting anybody. Oh, and that other one, yeah that wouldn't be a bad one to have back. Next thing you know I've got a whole trash bag of sin weighing me down again. Yep, I'm a hoarder.
I wish I had all the answers, how to stop accumulating trash, how to give it to Jesus and never take it back. But I think I'm like some of those hoarders with true mental disorders. I don't believe there's a medicine they can take that will make them not want to accumulate stuff, I think they have to wake up every morning and remind themselves to be aware. They have to deliberately stop and think before every purchase, force their body to clean something when their mind doesn't want to, be constantly on the lookout for their old way of life creeping back in. I guess I have to do the same thing. Be very aware of my sinful tendencies, ask the Holy Spirit for conviction when I want to stray, notice when I start to feel burdened and guilty. And you know what, Jesus will take the trash I give Him as many times as I need to give it to Him. He'll forgive me every time I screw up and try to take my trash back. That's just the way He is and I sure am glad there's hope for hoarders like me.
