In the Moment

First of all, I want you all to know that I'm ok.  Really ok.  There's something about putting my struggles out there for the whole world to see (or just the 10 people who occasionally read my blog) and admitting to myself that something's just not right that is very healing.  Once I wrote those truths, I began repeating them to myself, telling God that I really believed them to be true.  And you know what?  He proved they are indeed true.  So now that you're all so relieved to hear I'm not in a pit of despair, I'm moving on.

I've been a parent now for almost 11 years.  With my first son I was great at taking lots of pictures, writing every single cute thing he did in the baby book and scrapbooking the most memorable moments.  Ever since the birth of my second son it's been all down hill.  Those of you who know me will know this next statement to be true:  I am not a picture taker.  Very rarely do I actually remember to bring a camera and even when I do remember, it usually stays in my bag.  And don't tell me I should take pictures on my phone because I live in the dark ages and still use a flip phone with a crappy camera.  This bothers me, it really does (not the crappy phone part, the not taking pictures part).  I see other moms who have their camera always at the ready and get the greatest shots of their kids doing all the greatest stuff and I want that, I really do.  But I just cannot make myself do it.  Then there's the writing.  I really want to remember all the cute things my kids say and do, I really, really do.  But I guess I'm just too darn lazy to actually take the time to write it down.  I mean I'd have to carry around a book with me, have a pen available, stop what I'm doing to write it before I forget.  It's all just too much work!  I've been living in this guilt/shame/feelings of laziness for quite a long time now without knowing quite how to make sense of it.

Well, I finally have it.  I read an article today that really made it all click with me.  I realized how much I enjoy being in the moment.  When I'm at a soccer game, I feel really distracted if I'm trying to take pictures, I just want to watch my kid play and cheer him on (or talk with my mom or the other soccer mom's on the sideline, this is equally as important to this relationship-seeking mom).  Not that the picture-taking moms aren't doing this, too, they are just apparently more capable of multi-tasking.  I am not.  I like to take on one thing and put everything I am into it.  I get stressed very easily when I'm trying to do too many things at one time.  Things like taking pictures and trying to write things down completely take me out of the moment and really take the joy out of what it is I'm doing.  That just doesn't make any sense at all to me.  So, instead of feeling guilty for not documenting all the things I'll someday wish I could remember, I'm going to happily live in the moment and enjoy those things as they're happening.  I guess I'm more worried about what my kids remember, not what I remember. I know pictures would help them remember, but I'm going to let that go and hope they'll remember their mom being there, cheering them on, being in the moment with them.  And I hope they'll forgive me when I don't have photos for their wedding video.

Hope

I just looked back and realized I haven't written anything here since March.  Pardon my french but it's been a helluva 6 months.  I'm afraid this post will have some of you very worried about me, will probably scare some of you away or you may even write me off as a complete loony.  I believe my husband would agree with the loony part.  I am more and more convinced of the need to be very honest about my struggles, insecurities, sin, etc.  I'm tired of hiding behind this veil of everything being fine.  I'm not really fine.  Part of me hesitates to write this, because there are so many people in my life who are struggling with very real disappointments, loss, illness, etc. and I feel like I have no reason to not be fine.  That part of me feels guilty.  I don't think guilt is a healthy thing, but honesty and openness is pretty healthy so here goes.

When I recently read this next piece, I immediately felt like it was speaking directly to me, as if I had written the words myself.  I read this in a book I'm reading called "Hope for the Weary Mom:  Where God Meets You in Your Mess."  It's written by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin.  I ordered this book on a whim because I wanted the handmade purse that was being sold with it.  I ordered it as a mother's day gift for myself and it has spoken straight to my heart!  Anyways, here's the piece that really resonated with me:

I've pretty much fallen short in every category.  I am tired and not really good for much right now.  The trouble is, Lord, I need to be amazing and i'm fresh out of amazing.  At least it sure feels that way.  Lord, I'm dry.  Empty.  Hit the wall.  I got nothing.  - Stacey Thacker

I got nothing.  That's where I'm at.  I have three active, crazy boys who need me.  I have an awesome husband who works so hard for this family then comes home and helps me dig out from under the laundry, dishes and toys that have taken over.  He needs me.  I have clients who need me, family who needs me and church family who need me.  But I got nothing.  I've been trying to scrape all I can together and put a good face forward, but it just feels like that little bit of effort is scratching at the already dry well that is me.  I can't explain it.  I can't look back and say there is one thing or even a few things that have really put me in this downward spiral, I'm just there.  And I don't know how to get out.  I'm not sure what to tell my loved ones when they ask how they can help.  Thinking hurts.  So I just keep going, one step in front of the other, completely exhausted.

I'm not asking for sympathy or help.  Nor am I asking you to lower your expectations of me.  Because even in this pit where I'm struggling to find which way is up, there are truths that I know.  I KNOW that I do not have to do this alone.  I KNOW that in my weakness, He is strong.  I KNOW He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me.  I KNOW that He who keeps me will not slumber nor sleep, He is where my help comes from. I KNOW that He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I can fully trust.  Those are some pretty powerful truths, don't you think?  It's hard to read those, meditate on those, voice those without my spirit being uplifted.  There is hope.  This is where I'm at, but it's not where I'll stay.  I don't have to be ashamed for being in a low place, I don't have to hide it or pretend I'm fine.  Because I have hope.  Don't worry about me, friends.  If anything, take a look at your life and be honest.  Tell somebody.  And if you see my husband, you may want to give a little encouraging hug, he really does think I'm losing it!