Hope

I just looked back and realized I haven't written anything here since March.  Pardon my french but it's been a helluva 6 months.  I'm afraid this post will have some of you very worried about me, will probably scare some of you away or you may even write me off as a complete loony.  I believe my husband would agree with the loony part.  I am more and more convinced of the need to be very honest about my struggles, insecurities, sin, etc.  I'm tired of hiding behind this veil of everything being fine.  I'm not really fine.  Part of me hesitates to write this, because there are so many people in my life who are struggling with very real disappointments, loss, illness, etc. and I feel like I have no reason to not be fine.  That part of me feels guilty.  I don't think guilt is a healthy thing, but honesty and openness is pretty healthy so here goes.

When I recently read this next piece, I immediately felt like it was speaking directly to me, as if I had written the words myself.  I read this in a book I'm reading called "Hope for the Weary Mom:  Where God Meets You in Your Mess."  It's written by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin.  I ordered this book on a whim because I wanted the handmade purse that was being sold with it.  I ordered it as a mother's day gift for myself and it has spoken straight to my heart!  Anyways, here's the piece that really resonated with me:

I've pretty much fallen short in every category.  I am tired and not really good for much right now.  The trouble is, Lord, I need to be amazing and i'm fresh out of amazing.  At least it sure feels that way.  Lord, I'm dry.  Empty.  Hit the wall.  I got nothing.  - Stacey Thacker

I got nothing.  That's where I'm at.  I have three active, crazy boys who need me.  I have an awesome husband who works so hard for this family then comes home and helps me dig out from under the laundry, dishes and toys that have taken over.  He needs me.  I have clients who need me, family who needs me and church family who need me.  But I got nothing.  I've been trying to scrape all I can together and put a good face forward, but it just feels like that little bit of effort is scratching at the already dry well that is me.  I can't explain it.  I can't look back and say there is one thing or even a few things that have really put me in this downward spiral, I'm just there.  And I don't know how to get out.  I'm not sure what to tell my loved ones when they ask how they can help.  Thinking hurts.  So I just keep going, one step in front of the other, completely exhausted.

I'm not asking for sympathy or help.  Nor am I asking you to lower your expectations of me.  Because even in this pit where I'm struggling to find which way is up, there are truths that I know.  I KNOW that I do not have to do this alone.  I KNOW that in my weakness, He is strong.  I KNOW He will strengthen me, help me, and uphold me.  I KNOW that He who keeps me will not slumber nor sleep, He is where my help comes from. I KNOW that He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I can fully trust.  Those are some pretty powerful truths, don't you think?  It's hard to read those, meditate on those, voice those without my spirit being uplifted.  There is hope.  This is where I'm at, but it's not where I'll stay.  I don't have to be ashamed for being in a low place, I don't have to hide it or pretend I'm fine.  Because I have hope.  Don't worry about me, friends.  If anything, take a look at your life and be honest.  Tell somebody.  And if you see my husband, you may want to give a little encouraging hug, he really does think I'm losing it!