Ahh, Christmas. A time that normally comes with such joy and celebration, a time I look forward to every year. This year feels a bit different, though. It's been a rough year. Between the two of us, my husband and I have lost three close family members to death this year, first my grandmother, then his father, and then his maternal grandmother just passed away on Sunday. Yes, this Christmas feels a bit different. We know our loved ones are celebrating this Christmas with Jesus, there is no sorrow there. But instead of recalling fond memories and looking forward to spending time with these loved ones, we are recalling the memories and feeling a bit sad that things will be so very different this year. It's hard to move on, make new traditions, new memories without the loved ones we are so accustomed to being with, especially during the Christmas season. It's hard to look forward to visiting family knowing that time will include a funeral, knowing there will be people missing from our already small circle of gift-opening and sharing. There will be tears, lots of them. Not something I look forward to, but a very real part of life.
And yet. I love that phrase, don't you? And yet, the reason we celebrate Christmas has not changed. There is reason for joy and celebration, even if we are a bit sad, even if our earthly circumstances seem to override the joy of the season. We've put this expectation on Christmas that everything should be happy, perfect and joyful. Easy to see why so many people sink into depression during the holidays. Because we live in a sinful world full of death, sadness, rejection, hunger, etc. etc. etc. If we expect the holidays to be joyful and all our circumstances perfect at Christmas, we are bound to be disappointed. But if we expect Christmas to be joyful because Christ has come, then it will be. I can celebrate in spite of my sadness because Christ has come. I can celebrate in spite of my sadness because I know the ending of the story. All that sin and sadness that sucks the joy out of our lives has been forgiven. I have been forgiven and redeemed by that same little baby who's birth we celebrate at Christmas. So, yes, I can be sad and this Christmas will most definitely be different, but I choose to celebrate. I choose to revel in my Savior's coming and worship Him all the more.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Mountains
This morning my bible study encouraged me to write about what inspires me. Of course, music was at the top of my list. I'll write another post about that sometime. But, today, I'm inspired by mountains. Maybe because I have to drive over them this afternoon by myself. There's a certain beauty and awe in the mountains, but also a healthy fear, at least for me!
I grew up in the mountains, I saw their beauty every day but I was a selfish child who only thought of them in terms of what fun they could provide me. I went skiing, sledding and snowmobiling in the mountains and I LOVED them. As a teenager, I began to think of them as nausea-inducing as I rode in a bus over them for countless sporting events, they really just got in the way of where I was going and what I was doing. When I went to college, though, that's when a healthy fear of the mountains developed. Two large, windy, fairly dangerous mountain passes stood between my home town and college. And I drove a tiny little Honda Civic. Great gas mileage, a bit scary for an 18-year-old driving a mountain pass. But I did it, many, many times. I slowly began to appreciate the mountains' beauty and especially loved when I finally made it home, right on the outskirts of town when "my" mountains came into view. Ahhh, home.
As an adult, back when I had two small children, I would drive these same mountain passes with them in the backseat to get home for visits. I would always time things just right so they would (hopefully) sleep over the mountains. I'd put my favorite worship CD in and sing away while driving the familiar road. I can't tell you the number of times I was brought to tears on this drive by the beauty I would see and something about praising God while driving through what has to be one of the most beautiful parts of His creation. I had several of these "mountain top" experiences. It was a difficult time for me and God always spoke so clearly to me through His creation during this time.
So yes, mountains are an inspiration to me. There was a time when we had to leave Colorado and moved to Flagstaff, Arizona. I was not happy about this move, it had been a rough time in my life, my marriage, etc. leading up to this point and I really didn't want to follow my husband. But I did. I did not like Flagstaff, something about it never quite "jived" with me. I never felt like I quite fit in there. BUT, I realized very quickly that God put me in a place that, although it felt nothing like home, it looked quite a lot like home. I was living in the mountains, with a mountain right out my kitchen window to look at. I recognized that, even in my anger and resentment in being there, God was giving me a little personal blessing to get me through. Soon after we moved there, He also gave me a friend. The good friend I had been needing for so long. I didn't know it at the time, but God was preparing me for an even more difficult time in my life. Now I can look back and see it. I love it when that happens :-)
Like I mentioned, God was preparing me for a very difficult time in my life. I won't go into that here, but I want to give you a bit of back info. My husband's career was based in colleges/universities. The small town I grew up in did not, nor would it ever have, a college or university. I knew when I married him that I would never get to live in my home town. Well, through this rough stuff we went through in Flagstaff, God took us back to my home town. We expected to be there a couple weeks on the way to something bigger and better and it's now turned into 3 years with no intention to leave anytime in the near future. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie and I wasn't sure I'd make it through with any sanity left, but God is so gracious. He knew exactly what I needed and blessed me with it. I get to live with my family, with my mountains, in a community that I "fit" into. Maybe it seems dumb to make mountains such a big part of my story, but I love when I can look back and see how God has used His creation to bless me, inspire me, and breathe life into me. Yep, the mountains inspire me.
I grew up in the mountains, I saw their beauty every day but I was a selfish child who only thought of them in terms of what fun they could provide me. I went skiing, sledding and snowmobiling in the mountains and I LOVED them. As a teenager, I began to think of them as nausea-inducing as I rode in a bus over them for countless sporting events, they really just got in the way of where I was going and what I was doing. When I went to college, though, that's when a healthy fear of the mountains developed. Two large, windy, fairly dangerous mountain passes stood between my home town and college. And I drove a tiny little Honda Civic. Great gas mileage, a bit scary for an 18-year-old driving a mountain pass. But I did it, many, many times. I slowly began to appreciate the mountains' beauty and especially loved when I finally made it home, right on the outskirts of town when "my" mountains came into view. Ahhh, home.
As an adult, back when I had two small children, I would drive these same mountain passes with them in the backseat to get home for visits. I would always time things just right so they would (hopefully) sleep over the mountains. I'd put my favorite worship CD in and sing away while driving the familiar road. I can't tell you the number of times I was brought to tears on this drive by the beauty I would see and something about praising God while driving through what has to be one of the most beautiful parts of His creation. I had several of these "mountain top" experiences. It was a difficult time for me and God always spoke so clearly to me through His creation during this time.
So yes, mountains are an inspiration to me. There was a time when we had to leave Colorado and moved to Flagstaff, Arizona. I was not happy about this move, it had been a rough time in my life, my marriage, etc. leading up to this point and I really didn't want to follow my husband. But I did. I did not like Flagstaff, something about it never quite "jived" with me. I never felt like I quite fit in there. BUT, I realized very quickly that God put me in a place that, although it felt nothing like home, it looked quite a lot like home. I was living in the mountains, with a mountain right out my kitchen window to look at. I recognized that, even in my anger and resentment in being there, God was giving me a little personal blessing to get me through. Soon after we moved there, He also gave me a friend. The good friend I had been needing for so long. I didn't know it at the time, but God was preparing me for an even more difficult time in my life. Now I can look back and see it. I love it when that happens :-)
Like I mentioned, God was preparing me for a very difficult time in my life. I won't go into that here, but I want to give you a bit of back info. My husband's career was based in colleges/universities. The small town I grew up in did not, nor would it ever have, a college or university. I knew when I married him that I would never get to live in my home town. Well, through this rough stuff we went through in Flagstaff, God took us back to my home town. We expected to be there a couple weeks on the way to something bigger and better and it's now turned into 3 years with no intention to leave anytime in the near future. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie and I wasn't sure I'd make it through with any sanity left, but God is so gracious. He knew exactly what I needed and blessed me with it. I get to live with my family, with my mountains, in a community that I "fit" into. Maybe it seems dumb to make mountains such a big part of my story, but I love when I can look back and see how God has used His creation to bless me, inspire me, and breathe life into me. Yep, the mountains inspire me.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Carry Me
I don't know about you, but I think being a mom is absolutely exhausting. For me, it feels as though there's all these people, most of them little, who rely on me for everything. EVERYTHING. A friend recently expressed that it's not only in having to DO everything for her littles, it's having to THINK for them, too. It's hard enough to think for myself! I wouldn't change my life or wish not to have my kids, but I'm gonna be real honest and admit there are times when I look longingly back at the time before we had kids or toward the future when they're out of the house. I know I shouldn't do this, I know I should "enjoy them while they're home because the time is so short and you'll long for that time, later". I know, I know, I hear it constantly from wise women who have grown children. But, really, I just want to sleep! I want to wake up when I wake up, not because I'm getting kicked in the face by cold little feet. I want to go on a date with my husband without having to plan 2 weeks in advance, depend on other people to watch the kids, and have to get back before bedtime. I want to have nice furniture that I don't have to worry about getting spilled on, peed on, or worse.
Okay, Okay, enough dreaming. I really do know the importance of enjoying these crazy moments while my kids are home and most of the time I do. I promise! Just trying to keep it real and honest here. The whole reason I'm writing about this is because I have another one of my prayers to share with you. This one was written after reading Psalm 28. Specifically, where David says "Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (vs. 2) and in verse 8-9 when he says "The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever."
Being a mom, I'm always the one the kids come to when they are hurt, scared, or just need a hug. I'm the one always doing the comforting, kissing boo boo's, and rocking back to sleep. Not complaining. I love this! But sometimes I need to be comforted. That's where I was when I wrote this prayer:
I love the thought of You carrying me like a lamb. Sometimes I feel like so much is expected of me and I have to be so strong for everyone else. Sometimes I need to be carried, to be held in your arms and taken care of. I need the peace of knowing I don't have to worry about anything, I only need to trust You and rest in your promise. Thank you for allowing me to do that. 2/28/06
Just like my 3 year old comes to me with his arms outstretched, needing a little comfort from his mama, I can come to Jesus with my arms up and He'll carry me like his little lamb. Somehow that makes the exhausting task of motherhood bearable. After all, I'll have the rest of my life to sleep, right?
Okay, Okay, enough dreaming. I really do know the importance of enjoying these crazy moments while my kids are home and most of the time I do. I promise! Just trying to keep it real and honest here. The whole reason I'm writing about this is because I have another one of my prayers to share with you. This one was written after reading Psalm 28. Specifically, where David says "Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (vs. 2) and in verse 8-9 when he says "The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever."
Being a mom, I'm always the one the kids come to when they are hurt, scared, or just need a hug. I'm the one always doing the comforting, kissing boo boo's, and rocking back to sleep. Not complaining. I love this! But sometimes I need to be comforted. That's where I was when I wrote this prayer:
I love the thought of You carrying me like a lamb. Sometimes I feel like so much is expected of me and I have to be so strong for everyone else. Sometimes I need to be carried, to be held in your arms and taken care of. I need the peace of knowing I don't have to worry about anything, I only need to trust You and rest in your promise. Thank you for allowing me to do that. 2/28/06
Just like my 3 year old comes to me with his arms outstretched, needing a little comfort from his mama, I can come to Jesus with my arms up and He'll carry me like his little lamb. Somehow that makes the exhausting task of motherhood bearable. After all, I'll have the rest of my life to sleep, right?
Monday, December 2, 2013
A Start...
Well, here I am again. The longer I wait to write the more pressure I put on myself to make it really good when I finally do. I’m embarking on somewhat of a creative journey and I have no idea where God will take me in that, all I know is He wants me to start. He wants me to get over myself and my expectations of being good before I start. So, here it is, my start.
In my conviction to start, I began praying for inspiration. What do I even write about? In a moment of
sheer genius, I decided to read my bible. Duh, where else would I begin? BUT, I decided to look in my
old NIV Worship Bible. I haven’t used it for a while, but have kept it on the shelf. It’s like an old friend,
a bible that I used during some pretty rough times. If you’re not familiar with this bible, it has prayers
aligned with many of the verses or chapters as well as verses from many different hymns and worship
songs. These always managed to speak straight to my heart. In the Psalms section of this bible, though,
there are blank lines for the reader to write their own prayers. I read through the Psalms and wrote
my prayers back in 2006. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you’ll recognize the time of life
this put me in. I had two very little boys, 3 and 1, and a husband who came home as little as possible. I
was lonely, emotionally unsupported, in a marriage I had little hope of surviving, and was afraid to let
anybody know what was really going on. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and let you into my prayer life during this time. My hope is that it will be encouraging for somebody else. I didn’t know other moms struggled being moms, I didn’t know other godly women struggled in their marriage, I didn’t know anybody else who could possibly be as lonely as I was. If nothing else, I hope somebody will read this and know they are not alone! I feel like I’m in a good place to share this. God has redeemed my marriage, given me friends to confide in, and put in me the desire to encourage and come alongside other women who may be feeling some of the things I felt.
The first prayer I want to share with you came from Psalm 25. I encourage you to read it so you know
where my prayer came from. I’m always encouraged by David. For being a man after God’s own heart,
he sure screwed up a lot, doubted a lot, and spent a lot of time crying out to God. But I think that last
part is key, through it all, he cried out to God. Even when things were downright depressing and he felt
he had no hope, he cried out to God. Crying out to God allows me to vent, share my frustrations, ask for
help, but more than anything gives me hope. I know I serve a big, majestic God who IS mighty to save.
If I truly believe that, all I need do is cry out and He WILL help me. Okay, enough already, here’s my
prayer:
My hope is in you, Lord. I long to know Your ways, to follow the path You lead me down. I need
you now more than ever because I am lonely, Lord. I miss my husband and long for true companionship. I am happy with You and You are all that I need, but I believe you’ve given me a husband to be my partner, to help raise our kids and I need him! Please fill me with hope, free me from the anguish I’m feeling and let me not be put to shame. I love You and trust that You will make things better than I can even imagine. Thank you for that hope. 2/19/06
I would encourage you to go back and read my post on Love and Marriage to see how God redeemed my marriage. It's encouraging to know somebody else has been there, but it's also encouraging to see redemption and a happy ending, although it's far from over and our journey is still in process. I think it's important to note that, although I wrote this prayer in 2006, I had been struggling already for a good 3 years and it was another 4 years after that before things started to change. If nothing else, my story is a lesson in patience. If I did not completely trust that God's Word was true, I think I would have given up long before things changed. But I had to believe that if God says to cry out to Him and He will help, that He would indeed help, even if His timing looked different than what I would have liked at the time.
There you have it, my start. I have more prayers that I think will be encouraging, so stay tuned. I'm committed to keep writing and let God take it where He wants. Thanks for joining me on my journey!
In my conviction to start, I began praying for inspiration. What do I even write about? In a moment of
sheer genius, I decided to read my bible. Duh, where else would I begin? BUT, I decided to look in my
old NIV Worship Bible. I haven’t used it for a while, but have kept it on the shelf. It’s like an old friend,
a bible that I used during some pretty rough times. If you’re not familiar with this bible, it has prayers
aligned with many of the verses or chapters as well as verses from many different hymns and worship
songs. These always managed to speak straight to my heart. In the Psalms section of this bible, though,
there are blank lines for the reader to write their own prayers. I read through the Psalms and wrote
my prayers back in 2006. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you’ll recognize the time of life
this put me in. I had two very little boys, 3 and 1, and a husband who came home as little as possible. I
was lonely, emotionally unsupported, in a marriage I had little hope of surviving, and was afraid to let
anybody know what was really going on. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and let you into my prayer life during this time. My hope is that it will be encouraging for somebody else. I didn’t know other moms struggled being moms, I didn’t know other godly women struggled in their marriage, I didn’t know anybody else who could possibly be as lonely as I was. If nothing else, I hope somebody will read this and know they are not alone! I feel like I’m in a good place to share this. God has redeemed my marriage, given me friends to confide in, and put in me the desire to encourage and come alongside other women who may be feeling some of the things I felt.
The first prayer I want to share with you came from Psalm 25. I encourage you to read it so you know
where my prayer came from. I’m always encouraged by David. For being a man after God’s own heart,
he sure screwed up a lot, doubted a lot, and spent a lot of time crying out to God. But I think that last
part is key, through it all, he cried out to God. Even when things were downright depressing and he felt
he had no hope, he cried out to God. Crying out to God allows me to vent, share my frustrations, ask for
help, but more than anything gives me hope. I know I serve a big, majestic God who IS mighty to save.
If I truly believe that, all I need do is cry out and He WILL help me. Okay, enough already, here’s my
prayer:
My hope is in you, Lord. I long to know Your ways, to follow the path You lead me down. I need
you now more than ever because I am lonely, Lord. I miss my husband and long for true companionship. I am happy with You and You are all that I need, but I believe you’ve given me a husband to be my partner, to help raise our kids and I need him! Please fill me with hope, free me from the anguish I’m feeling and let me not be put to shame. I love You and trust that You will make things better than I can even imagine. Thank you for that hope. 2/19/06
I would encourage you to go back and read my post on Love and Marriage to see how God redeemed my marriage. It's encouraging to know somebody else has been there, but it's also encouraging to see redemption and a happy ending, although it's far from over and our journey is still in process. I think it's important to note that, although I wrote this prayer in 2006, I had been struggling already for a good 3 years and it was another 4 years after that before things started to change. If nothing else, my story is a lesson in patience. If I did not completely trust that God's Word was true, I think I would have given up long before things changed. But I had to believe that if God says to cry out to Him and He will help, that He would indeed help, even if His timing looked different than what I would have liked at the time.
There you have it, my start. I have more prayers that I think will be encouraging, so stay tuned. I'm committed to keep writing and let God take it where He wants. Thanks for joining me on my journey!
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