I've been thinking about this one awhile. Pondering it in my head, coming up with the "perfect" way to write it, etc. etc. Then every time I think I'll have time to write it something happens and it's put off. So I finally have a little time but I'm concerned that it's going to be one of those things where I have high expectations that aren't even close to being met. For example, dinner last night. I had the brilliant idea to do a stir fry bar. Okay, I got the idea online, but still, brilliant! I was so excited thinking this would become a family favorite, like our own mongolian grill! This was not the case. My husband complained about it being served with brown rice, my oldest son had a concussion and didn't feel like eating (what are the odds?), my middle son chose about 3 vegetables and the little guy ate a few pieces of rice. Very high, very unmet expectations. Anyways, let's hope I can make this at least somewhat worthwhile!
I've been told most of my life that I'm a very good listener. My parents and my husband might beg to differ on this, but many others would probably agree that I have good listening skills. It's probably for this reason that I chose to be a social worker. I basically listen for a living. That and fill out paperwork. It's important for you to know this because this post is about me learning to listen to God. It's funny because I always knew that God wanted to have a relationship with me and it was very important for me to spend time with Him to cultivate that relationship. Somehow, in my mind, that meant I needed to do a lot of talking to Him. And talk I did. It never entered my mind that I needed to listen. Sure, God spoke to me through His word on occasion, more often through impressions and such, but never because I was really listening. I'm guessing it was usually a last ditch effort to get my attention! Until this past year...
I went to a retreat in September and there were a few ladies who made the announcement that they wanted to bless us at this retreat by sitting with us, hearing from God and speaking to us through Him. I made up my mind the minute they started talking that they were crazy and there was no way I was subjecting myself to that nonsense. Through the next couple of days, though, I started to hear from other people at the retreat that this really was a blessing and they had been so moved by their time with these ladies. A friend and I really talked through our reservations with it, trying to figure out what made it feel so uncomfortable for us. In the end, we decided it was worth a shot. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it was. Almost from the minute we sat down, I could just feel the presence of God and, when they started talking, it was like Jesus was speaking straight to me. He told me how much He enjoys our relationship, how very precious I am to Him, how my desire to know Him and show others His love through me is going to bless many. I just broke down in tears. The ladies talked about seeing pictures of different things, a tree with a heart inside showing I'm well-rooted in His love, Jesus and I sitting and talking and laughing together, and a couple others. I have never been one to think or visualize in pictures, but when they were talking to me, my mind immediately picked up on these pictures and they've come back many times in my mind to remind me of what my relationship with Jesus looks like. You can probably gather that this time was amazing for me.
I have learned all my life that Jesus loves me, that I'm precious to Him that I am beautiful and perfect to Him. It's one thing to know this in your head, but quite another thing to hear it from Him, to feel it in your heart. I felt it and have been on a mission ever since to continue hearing from Him. A couple months after this retreat I began a bible study with some ladies from church learning about spiritual disciplines. One of the first disciplines we learned about was silence and solitude. This is something that would have been very hard for me to do in the past. My mind wanders, I'm writing blog posts in my head, planning dinner for the week, etc. But I was ready to hear from God again. Practicing this discipline, He continued to speak to me in pictures, Jesus and I walking by a stream, not talking or even looking at each other, just enjoying our time together. I also learned to listen through scripture and God started speaking to me about lies I've believed all my life. He spoke truth into those lies and gave me pictures I can go back to whenever those lies rear their ugly heads.
A couple months later, another bible study opportunity came up and I jumped on it, feeling as though I was only beginning to scratch the surface of what God had to tell me. This study is one of listening and healing. I went in with high expectations and He has not let me down. He's shown me instances from my past that have clouded the way I've lived my life, more lies I've believed about myself that have shaped who I have become. He has assured me He was with me all along, His heart broke when mine did but He was always there. The love, acceptance and peace I have experienced through listening has been so amazing.
I wish I could tell you I've learned to listen and now my whole life has changed, but that's just not true. In fact, I think there's so much emotion at the surface right now that I'm a mess! I've become aware of so many lies I've believed and even though I have experienced healing from those lies, trying to live my life in a way that doesn't reflect those lies is not something that will happen overnight. And I know there's more. To me, what's so amazing about this journey is that God, you know the creator of the universe, the sovereign King, wants to speak to me. He doesn't want to tell me all the rules, how to live my life and what to tell other people, He just wants to talk to me because He likes me. He likes me!! He doesn't just want to have a relationship with me where I pray and read the bible and fellowship with other believers. He has things He wants to say to me, not just generic things, either. Things that matter only to me. He wants to spend time with me walking beside still waters, lying in green pastures simply enjoying each other's company. Kind of hard to wrap my head around that...
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage...
I've been thinking about this whole marriage thing a lot lately. I got married when I was 20. That's right 20! And, for whatever reason, I went into this marriage with the assumption that life would be a fairy tale. I really did think that. I thought my husband would adore me, treat me like a princess and ultimately make me happy. I thought we would enjoy every second together and that I would never tire of being the good wife I knew I was destined to be. I thought that surely I would make him happy, because I'm pretty amazing! Shocker, this didn't happen. We enjoyed being around each other most of the time, we tried really hard to make each other happy, but just felt defeated when we realized it wasn't working. I thought I was doing everything right, but my husband still preferred being at work to being home with me. After years of this I felt unloved, unappreciated and thought I had for sure married the wrong guy.
The sad part about this story is that I honestly believed I was the only person who felt this way. All around me I saw people who appeared to be so happily married. I saw men who appeared to be perfect gentlemen, giving their wives everything they needed. From the outside looking in, everybody around me was blissfully happy and I started to wonder what was wrong with me and I definitely started wondering what was wrong with my husband. I felt ashamed and like I couldn't tell anybody without being judged. I spent a couple years angry, bitter and resentful which really didn't help the whole happiness thing.
I knew something had to change. Apparently, nothing I could do or say was going to make my husband love me more or make me happy. I knew I had to make some changes for myself. At this point I still did not know one married couple who was struggling, I still felt very alone and didn't know where to turn. It's sad that I had to get to a point where I had nobody to turn to before I turned to God. I knew Him, I knew He was with me always, but I thought I had messed up His plan and wasn't entirely sure He was going to bail me out of my mistakes. But I gave it a shot and of course He wrapped His arms around me and showed me how much He loved me, how He longed to bring me joy if I would only let Him, that I was His child, His princess. He began to show me that marriage was not about me being happy. I was designed to give God glory which should bring me amazing joy (very different from happiness, at least the happiness our society teaches us about). To bring God glory through my marriage, it was essential that I give up the anger, resentment and bitterness towards my husband. I began to pray for him, to make lists of all the things I loved about him and refer to those when I started to get upset with him. I learned that forgiveness is a foundation to marriage. We've both done a lot of stupid things, but God calls us to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. Yep, we've had to do that many, many times. Sometimes I get tired of forgiving, but then God reminds me that He never tires of forgiving me. How can I justify not forgiving when reminded of that?
Fast forward about 5 years. My husband is a completely changed man. My faithfulness to God and commitment to my marriage has been rewarded big time. It's not perfect, we still argue, I still feel "unhappy" some of the time and we both still have opportunities to forgive, but with the focus of our marriage being to glorifying God there's a certain joy underlining it all.
The main reason I wanted to write about this is to highlight on the part where I felt so alone, like I was the only one who had problems in my marriage. I get so frustrated at our desire to present as people who have it all together. And this seems especially to be the case within the church community. I'm here to tell you I do not have it all together. God has blessed my marriage, but boy have we been through it! I want so badly for other women feeling alone and ashamed of the state of their marriage to see very real, very honest examples of other people who have come through it, or who are still in the thick of it. I want them to feel they have a safe place to turn where they won't be judged. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is hope. It might not be easy and things probably won't change overnight, but God loves us and wants to bless us in our marriages. So again, let's be real, let's be transparent, let's be a community that encourages and supports one another in our brokenness.
The sad part about this story is that I honestly believed I was the only person who felt this way. All around me I saw people who appeared to be so happily married. I saw men who appeared to be perfect gentlemen, giving their wives everything they needed. From the outside looking in, everybody around me was blissfully happy and I started to wonder what was wrong with me and I definitely started wondering what was wrong with my husband. I felt ashamed and like I couldn't tell anybody without being judged. I spent a couple years angry, bitter and resentful which really didn't help the whole happiness thing.
I knew something had to change. Apparently, nothing I could do or say was going to make my husband love me more or make me happy. I knew I had to make some changes for myself. At this point I still did not know one married couple who was struggling, I still felt very alone and didn't know where to turn. It's sad that I had to get to a point where I had nobody to turn to before I turned to God. I knew Him, I knew He was with me always, but I thought I had messed up His plan and wasn't entirely sure He was going to bail me out of my mistakes. But I gave it a shot and of course He wrapped His arms around me and showed me how much He loved me, how He longed to bring me joy if I would only let Him, that I was His child, His princess. He began to show me that marriage was not about me being happy. I was designed to give God glory which should bring me amazing joy (very different from happiness, at least the happiness our society teaches us about). To bring God glory through my marriage, it was essential that I give up the anger, resentment and bitterness towards my husband. I began to pray for him, to make lists of all the things I loved about him and refer to those when I started to get upset with him. I learned that forgiveness is a foundation to marriage. We've both done a lot of stupid things, but God calls us to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. Yep, we've had to do that many, many times. Sometimes I get tired of forgiving, but then God reminds me that He never tires of forgiving me. How can I justify not forgiving when reminded of that?
Fast forward about 5 years. My husband is a completely changed man. My faithfulness to God and commitment to my marriage has been rewarded big time. It's not perfect, we still argue, I still feel "unhappy" some of the time and we both still have opportunities to forgive, but with the focus of our marriage being to glorifying God there's a certain joy underlining it all.
The main reason I wanted to write about this is to highlight on the part where I felt so alone, like I was the only one who had problems in my marriage. I get so frustrated at our desire to present as people who have it all together. And this seems especially to be the case within the church community. I'm here to tell you I do not have it all together. God has blessed my marriage, but boy have we been through it! I want so badly for other women feeling alone and ashamed of the state of their marriage to see very real, very honest examples of other people who have come through it, or who are still in the thick of it. I want them to feel they have a safe place to turn where they won't be judged. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is hope. It might not be easy and things probably won't change overnight, but God loves us and wants to bless us in our marriages. So again, let's be real, let's be transparent, let's be a community that encourages and supports one another in our brokenness.
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