The boys and I took a road trip a couple weeks ago. By boys I mean just my kiddos, the hubby had to stay home and work. You need to understand that I am not the kind of mom who plans and implements road trip games. I admire moms who do this and always think I probably should try a little harder in this area, but it has yet to happen. So road trips with me usually look like this: the two older boys with headphones on watching dvd's, the little guy sleeping (hopefully) or stuffing his face with whatever treats are interesting enough to keep him from screaming his protest at being in the carseat, and me listening to my music pretending I'm on a nice, relaxing road trip all by myself. On this particular road trip, however, I decided not to put up the dvd players. Crazy, I know. So I decided to check out books on cd from the library that might be interesting for all of us to listen to (aside from the little guy, of course, he's out of luck regardless). The boys took the news remarkably well and chose to listen to Shiloh first. I think I've seen the movie before, but never read the book so it was a new experience for all of us and the boys were surprisingly intrigued with it.
Towards the end of the book, while driving over Red Mountain Pass, the boy in the book made a statement that I have not been able to forget since. I think it's important to note here that God always speaks to me when driving over this pass. The college I went to required me to drive over this pass in order to get home so I have plenty of experience driving over it. I can't explain it, but I always look forward to hearing what He has to tell me on this drive. Anyways, the boy in the book wanted to buy a dog from a very mean man and had to work it off by doing chores for this man. Toward the end of his time working, he started to realize some things about the man and noticed that the man was very particular about his truck. He kept it perfectly clean, free of dents and was completely consumed with keeping it this way. The boy made note that the man kept his truck in perfect condition to hide all the ways he was not perfect. I was so convicted by this and have been mulling over it ever since. I figure if I can't get it out of my head, God's trying to tell me something.
So I've been thinking, what am I trying to hide and what am I hiding behind? Unfortunately, I've come up with quite a long list. I've been attempting to ditch the effort at perfectionism through this blog and remind myself and others that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to be okay, but I don't think I've been reminded enough. It's so easy for me to get sucked back into worrying about what people think of me instead of just putting my effort into thinking about people. I desire to focus on relationships yet I worry that my house isn't clean enough or nice enough to invite people over. I desire to build new friendships yet I'm consumed with saying just the right thing, looking just the right way, so I chicken out convincing myself that when I have those things together I'll make that move. I want to be more involved at my children's school, but I worry all the other "good" moms who volunteer weekly will look down their noses at me. Really, I'm a mess! I somehow have myself convinced that when I have all these things together, then I can really get to the important things I so desire; deep, meaningful relationships, honesty and integrity in my life, glorifying God in all I do, a heart that reflects His, etc. etc. etc. God so wants to give me these desires of my heart but I have to stop hiding!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Regular Birthdays
We have a birthday this week in our home. You fun, creative people are probably going to be appalled by the rest of this post. As much as I want my kids to feel extra special on their special day, I think I fail miserably every year. This is just one of those ways that my regularness comes out full force. Why can't I be creative and fun just a few weeks out of the year???? But no, my practical and slightly lazy side just takes over.
Here's what birthdays look like in our home. Every other year, the kids can have a "kid" party. On the opposite years it's just a family party or doing something fun as a family. The kid parties are simply cake and ice cream, presents and playing. I have boys, all they really want to do is play with their friends. I gave up on games and activities long ago when they kept asking if they "could just play". Sure, go right ahead. The morning of the birthday I try to have the "Happy Birthday" banner hung up. It's about 8 years old, ratty and falling apart, but it's a tradition. I make a yummy breakfast the birthday boy will like. Dinner is birthday boy's choice, made at home of course. Then they open the family presents. That's it. Woohoo. And so, I need ideas people! Not the plan ahead, spend hours making things kind of ideas, either. Just easy, spur of the moment ideas to help me make my kids feel special on their special day...
Here's what birthdays look like in our home. Every other year, the kids can have a "kid" party. On the opposite years it's just a family party or doing something fun as a family. The kid parties are simply cake and ice cream, presents and playing. I have boys, all they really want to do is play with their friends. I gave up on games and activities long ago when they kept asking if they "could just play". Sure, go right ahead. The morning of the birthday I try to have the "Happy Birthday" banner hung up. It's about 8 years old, ratty and falling apart, but it's a tradition. I make a yummy breakfast the birthday boy will like. Dinner is birthday boy's choice, made at home of course. Then they open the family presents. That's it. Woohoo. And so, I need ideas people! Not the plan ahead, spend hours making things kind of ideas, either. Just easy, spur of the moment ideas to help me make my kids feel special on their special day...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
That Friend
Today, a story. Hopefully a story with a point, that is the goal. This story begins in 6th grade. Just the mention of 6th grade strikes fear in me and many others I'm sure. It was this year that I switched from private school where I had the same friends since I was 1 to public school where I did not have 1 friend. It was my choice to switch so don't go blaming my parents for doing this to me at such an awful time of transition in every child's life. I discovered this year just how shy I really was. By the end of 6th grade I had 1 friend and I'm pretty sure she only befriended me because she didn't have any other friends. We had nothing in common and she was really annoying. It was a long year. I have to add in here that God recently revealed to me just how much he was protecting me that year so long ago. My teacher was an amazing man I knew from church, had known all my life and he was so kind to me. There were a lot of bully's in my class that could have made my life miserable but they never once bothered me. I was ahead of most of the class in a lot of areas so I never had the stress of always playing catch-up. It was hard not having friends, but it could have been much worse. In 6th grade I learned that it sucks to be on the outside looking in, to never quite fit in, to go about life without a friend to do it with.
Fast forward to high school. I discovered sports, I discovered boys, I discovered extracurricular activities. I never discovered how to fit in. I still had a way of always being just on the outside of the circle, looking in, wondering why I wasn't on the inside, whether I really wanted to be. Things didn't change in college. I made friends with my teammates but our friendships seem to end outside the gym. My roommate was never around, I didn't party, I had no idea where to fit in so I just didn't. So, I got married. I was a good, supportive wife following my husband wherever his job took him. He made friends at work, I did not. We finally settled down long enough for me to make some friends, to start feeling a part of a community when we had to move again. That move filled me with despair and I was at a point of not wanting to even try anymore.
That's when I met That Friend. You know, the one who pursued me, who didn't let me off the hook after one meeting. The one who put herself out there and asked me to do things she had no idea I'd even be up for. The one I could talk to for hours and never get bored. The one who loved me and let me know I was worth being a friend to. God knew I needed her and he put us in the right place at the right time.
Fast forward again. Me and my friend don't live in the same state anymore, we don't get to talk on the phone much, but we do try to see each other whenever possible and savor every moment together. I've recently been feeling a little lonely and left out in my community, finding myself again in a position where I just don't seem to fit in. Wondering if I'm not good friend material, if I'm not nice enough, if I smell...I've been feeling sorry for myself. Not an admirable thing to do. A mentor of mine recently told me about a time in her life when she was pregnant and had moved to a new town. She was lonely, too, but a lady at her new church came alongside her, pursued her and became That Friend to her. It gave her a whole new lease on life. So I got to thinking, maybe if I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I could go out and be That Friend for someone else. Maybe we should all do that..
Fast forward to high school. I discovered sports, I discovered boys, I discovered extracurricular activities. I never discovered how to fit in. I still had a way of always being just on the outside of the circle, looking in, wondering why I wasn't on the inside, whether I really wanted to be. Things didn't change in college. I made friends with my teammates but our friendships seem to end outside the gym. My roommate was never around, I didn't party, I had no idea where to fit in so I just didn't. So, I got married. I was a good, supportive wife following my husband wherever his job took him. He made friends at work, I did not. We finally settled down long enough for me to make some friends, to start feeling a part of a community when we had to move again. That move filled me with despair and I was at a point of not wanting to even try anymore.
That's when I met That Friend. You know, the one who pursued me, who didn't let me off the hook after one meeting. The one who put herself out there and asked me to do things she had no idea I'd even be up for. The one I could talk to for hours and never get bored. The one who loved me and let me know I was worth being a friend to. God knew I needed her and he put us in the right place at the right time.
Fast forward again. Me and my friend don't live in the same state anymore, we don't get to talk on the phone much, but we do try to see each other whenever possible and savor every moment together. I've recently been feeling a little lonely and left out in my community, finding myself again in a position where I just don't seem to fit in. Wondering if I'm not good friend material, if I'm not nice enough, if I smell...I've been feeling sorry for myself. Not an admirable thing to do. A mentor of mine recently told me about a time in her life when she was pregnant and had moved to a new town. She was lonely, too, but a lady at her new church came alongside her, pursued her and became That Friend to her. It gave her a whole new lease on life. So I got to thinking, maybe if I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I could go out and be That Friend for someone else. Maybe we should all do that..
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Practical Life Stuff
As the title of my blog suggests, I am just a regular mom. To me, this means I do the best I can with what I have and make up the rest as I go. I've had a lot of people ask me lately how I handle everything without my life spinning out of control. Now, I think you should know that on any given day I feel as if my life, or at least my sanity, is on the verge of spinning out of control. Most of the time, though, we somehow manage to make it through one day and on to the next without complete chaos. Anyways, I thought maybe I should write about some of the ways our family manages to hold it all together. We are by no means experts and have come to our "system" through a lot of trial and a lot of error. So, here's a glimpse into our household in any given week.
I've mentioned before that I love Flylady. This lady has helped me to get over my perfectionist attitude toward cleaning (you know, the "if I don't have time to do it just the way I want to, I might as well not even start" attitude) and recognize that any amount of cleaning is better than none! I've taken parts of her system and made them work for me. For instance, I designate one hour a week as my cleaning hour. I fly through the house vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning windows, feather dusting and cleaning toilets. It literally only takes me one hour a week to feel like I'm on top of the cleaning. Then, every week, I designate one other room to do a little deeper cleaning in. That way, at least once a month, everything gets dusted well, sheets get changed, corners are vacuumed, etc. There's a couple things I do every single day that make all the difference in the world. I do one load of laundry every day. My laundry baskets are never empty, but they're never overflowing, either. I also keep clorox wipes in each bathroom and wipe down the countertops and toilet seats every day. It's a bit of a splurge for this homemade cleaner gal, but I love knowing that all those germs are taken care of on a daily basis and it's easy for the kids to help with this one. That's literally the basics of my cleaning. One hour a week and about 15 minutes a day.
The other thing I do every week that saves us from a lot of chaos is I plan a weekly menu. I sit down every Thursday afternoon and plan my menu for the following week. I use the grocery ads to plan around what's on sale and make my grocery list as I plan my meals. I also have my calendar in front of me so I can plan crock pot meals for the days I'm working, easy meals for nights we're busy, etc. This takes me about an hour, which may seem like a lot, but I never have to wonder what's for dinner, make last minute trips to the store, eat out, etc. This saves me time and money and saves my sanity!! I designate one day as errand day and try and save all my running around for that day. This helps me spend less money, saves on gas and allows me to have days where I don't have to leave the house. I love those days!!
There you have it, that's a glimpse into our home. I really love hearing about how other people handle their households, looking for gems I could incorporate into my crazy life. I figured maybe somebody somewhere could glean something from hearing about my regularness (pretty sure that's not a word).
I've mentioned before that I love Flylady. This lady has helped me to get over my perfectionist attitude toward cleaning (you know, the "if I don't have time to do it just the way I want to, I might as well not even start" attitude) and recognize that any amount of cleaning is better than none! I've taken parts of her system and made them work for me. For instance, I designate one hour a week as my cleaning hour. I fly through the house vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning windows, feather dusting and cleaning toilets. It literally only takes me one hour a week to feel like I'm on top of the cleaning. Then, every week, I designate one other room to do a little deeper cleaning in. That way, at least once a month, everything gets dusted well, sheets get changed, corners are vacuumed, etc. There's a couple things I do every single day that make all the difference in the world. I do one load of laundry every day. My laundry baskets are never empty, but they're never overflowing, either. I also keep clorox wipes in each bathroom and wipe down the countertops and toilet seats every day. It's a bit of a splurge for this homemade cleaner gal, but I love knowing that all those germs are taken care of on a daily basis and it's easy for the kids to help with this one. That's literally the basics of my cleaning. One hour a week and about 15 minutes a day.
The other thing I do every week that saves us from a lot of chaos is I plan a weekly menu. I sit down every Thursday afternoon and plan my menu for the following week. I use the grocery ads to plan around what's on sale and make my grocery list as I plan my meals. I also have my calendar in front of me so I can plan crock pot meals for the days I'm working, easy meals for nights we're busy, etc. This takes me about an hour, which may seem like a lot, but I never have to wonder what's for dinner, make last minute trips to the store, eat out, etc. This saves me time and money and saves my sanity!! I designate one day as errand day and try and save all my running around for that day. This helps me spend less money, saves on gas and allows me to have days where I don't have to leave the house. I love those days!!
There you have it, that's a glimpse into our home. I really love hearing about how other people handle their households, looking for gems I could incorporate into my crazy life. I figured maybe somebody somewhere could glean something from hearing about my regularness (pretty sure that's not a word).
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Hard Times
Seems like so many people around me are going through tough stuff right now. I find myself in a position where I wonder what I should say, what I should do, should I even say or do anything, I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, etc. etc. etc. It's a little overwhelming and then I think, "why am I making this about me?" Now if this were a client I could very easily put myself in a position to listen, encourage and support knowing that they are coming to me as somewhat of an expert. As a friend, though, I somehow feel very different and very hesitant, even vulnerable to put myself out there. And so, I've been talking myself through this, going back to all my training as a social worker/counselor, thinking about what I've wanted and needed in tough times and trying to piece together how I can be a good friend to all my friends who are struggling right now.
It's important to know that I'm not a great friend. It's like I didn't get that gene or something to show my friends outwardly that I care about them. And I do care about them, a lot. My heart aches for them when I know they are hurting. I pray for my friends often. But I'm horrible at showing it. I really don't like talking on the phone, I rarely have time without kids to grab coffee, I forget birthdays, etc. Really makes you want to be my friend, huh? I'm trying to improve, though, I really am. I recognize that I'm missing out on important relationships because I'm uncomfortable putting myself out there. I'm writing this in an effort to remind myself, but also as a sort of accountability that I'm going to be a better friend!
I remember going through my marriage difficulties, feeling so alone and wishing somebody/anybody would talk to me about it, put the issue out there and allow me to talk about it. But standing on the other side of things, it's scary to put stuff out there, assuming someone wants to talk about what they're going through. Even though it's scary, my "research" has told me that most people do indeed want to talk about it. Even if they don't think they do, given the opportunity the words will pour out and they will feel some healing from the sharing. And you know what? The worst that can happen is they say "I don't want to talk about it" and we talk about something else. The important thing here is being present for my friends. If I avoid them because I don't know what to say or am uncomfortable, I'm only creating more of a problem. The only thing worse than going through rough patches is going through them seemingly alone. If I'm going to be a good friend I need to get over myself and be the friend I need to be, regardless how uncomfortable I feel.
Another thing that has occurred to me through this thought process is that I tend to have expectations of how people should act, how they should feel, etc. How stupid is this? What gives me the right to have any expectation of how my friend is handling something? It's so important to remember that everyone is walking their own road with their own trials and even if I can understand, having walked a hard road myself it doesn't mean I know their particular struggles. As a friend, I need to be empathetic. I learned the best definition of empathy in a love and logic class I took recently. It was defined as "your pain in my heart". I'm a sap, but this definition brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it. I cannot feel my friends actual pain, but my heart can hurt for them. If I'm placing expectations on them, I'm not showing them how my heart hurts for them and I'm certainly not showing them grace. So anytime a friend reacts in a way that I don't understand, makes decisions that don't make sense, says something that makes me want to strike back or is downright nasty, I need to remember that I can't feel their pain, I can't have any way of knowing how I might react in their same situation. It's when these things happen that I need to bypass my first reaction and move to extending empathy and grace to my friend when she needs it most.
If I'm going to be any kind of support or encouragement for my friends, I have to get over myself. I have to be willing to talk about the hard stuff, even bring it up when they won't and I have to be willing to let go of my expectations of them. I have to be willing to be present when they ask me to be there and even when they don't. Most importantly, I have to extend a huge amount of empathy and grace, especially when it's not my natural reaction.
It's important to know that I'm not a great friend. It's like I didn't get that gene or something to show my friends outwardly that I care about them. And I do care about them, a lot. My heart aches for them when I know they are hurting. I pray for my friends often. But I'm horrible at showing it. I really don't like talking on the phone, I rarely have time without kids to grab coffee, I forget birthdays, etc. Really makes you want to be my friend, huh? I'm trying to improve, though, I really am. I recognize that I'm missing out on important relationships because I'm uncomfortable putting myself out there. I'm writing this in an effort to remind myself, but also as a sort of accountability that I'm going to be a better friend!
I remember going through my marriage difficulties, feeling so alone and wishing somebody/anybody would talk to me about it, put the issue out there and allow me to talk about it. But standing on the other side of things, it's scary to put stuff out there, assuming someone wants to talk about what they're going through. Even though it's scary, my "research" has told me that most people do indeed want to talk about it. Even if they don't think they do, given the opportunity the words will pour out and they will feel some healing from the sharing. And you know what? The worst that can happen is they say "I don't want to talk about it" and we talk about something else. The important thing here is being present for my friends. If I avoid them because I don't know what to say or am uncomfortable, I'm only creating more of a problem. The only thing worse than going through rough patches is going through them seemingly alone. If I'm going to be a good friend I need to get over myself and be the friend I need to be, regardless how uncomfortable I feel.
Another thing that has occurred to me through this thought process is that I tend to have expectations of how people should act, how they should feel, etc. How stupid is this? What gives me the right to have any expectation of how my friend is handling something? It's so important to remember that everyone is walking their own road with their own trials and even if I can understand, having walked a hard road myself it doesn't mean I know their particular struggles. As a friend, I need to be empathetic. I learned the best definition of empathy in a love and logic class I took recently. It was defined as "your pain in my heart". I'm a sap, but this definition brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it. I cannot feel my friends actual pain, but my heart can hurt for them. If I'm placing expectations on them, I'm not showing them how my heart hurts for them and I'm certainly not showing them grace. So anytime a friend reacts in a way that I don't understand, makes decisions that don't make sense, says something that makes me want to strike back or is downright nasty, I need to remember that I can't feel their pain, I can't have any way of knowing how I might react in their same situation. It's when these things happen that I need to bypass my first reaction and move to extending empathy and grace to my friend when she needs it most.
If I'm going to be any kind of support or encouragement for my friends, I have to get over myself. I have to be willing to talk about the hard stuff, even bring it up when they won't and I have to be willing to let go of my expectations of them. I have to be willing to be present when they ask me to be there and even when they don't. Most importantly, I have to extend a huge amount of empathy and grace, especially when it's not my natural reaction.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
My Listening Journey
I've been thinking about this one awhile. Pondering it in my head, coming up with the "perfect" way to write it, etc. etc. Then every time I think I'll have time to write it something happens and it's put off. So I finally have a little time but I'm concerned that it's going to be one of those things where I have high expectations that aren't even close to being met. For example, dinner last night. I had the brilliant idea to do a stir fry bar. Okay, I got the idea online, but still, brilliant! I was so excited thinking this would become a family favorite, like our own mongolian grill! This was not the case. My husband complained about it being served with brown rice, my oldest son had a concussion and didn't feel like eating (what are the odds?), my middle son chose about 3 vegetables and the little guy ate a few pieces of rice. Very high, very unmet expectations. Anyways, let's hope I can make this at least somewhat worthwhile!
I've been told most of my life that I'm a very good listener. My parents and my husband might beg to differ on this, but many others would probably agree that I have good listening skills. It's probably for this reason that I chose to be a social worker. I basically listen for a living. That and fill out paperwork. It's important for you to know this because this post is about me learning to listen to God. It's funny because I always knew that God wanted to have a relationship with me and it was very important for me to spend time with Him to cultivate that relationship. Somehow, in my mind, that meant I needed to do a lot of talking to Him. And talk I did. It never entered my mind that I needed to listen. Sure, God spoke to me through His word on occasion, more often through impressions and such, but never because I was really listening. I'm guessing it was usually a last ditch effort to get my attention! Until this past year...
I went to a retreat in September and there were a few ladies who made the announcement that they wanted to bless us at this retreat by sitting with us, hearing from God and speaking to us through Him. I made up my mind the minute they started talking that they were crazy and there was no way I was subjecting myself to that nonsense. Through the next couple of days, though, I started to hear from other people at the retreat that this really was a blessing and they had been so moved by their time with these ladies. A friend and I really talked through our reservations with it, trying to figure out what made it feel so uncomfortable for us. In the end, we decided it was worth a shot. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it was. Almost from the minute we sat down, I could just feel the presence of God and, when they started talking, it was like Jesus was speaking straight to me. He told me how much He enjoys our relationship, how very precious I am to Him, how my desire to know Him and show others His love through me is going to bless many. I just broke down in tears. The ladies talked about seeing pictures of different things, a tree with a heart inside showing I'm well-rooted in His love, Jesus and I sitting and talking and laughing together, and a couple others. I have never been one to think or visualize in pictures, but when they were talking to me, my mind immediately picked up on these pictures and they've come back many times in my mind to remind me of what my relationship with Jesus looks like. You can probably gather that this time was amazing for me.
I have learned all my life that Jesus loves me, that I'm precious to Him that I am beautiful and perfect to Him. It's one thing to know this in your head, but quite another thing to hear it from Him, to feel it in your heart. I felt it and have been on a mission ever since to continue hearing from Him. A couple months after this retreat I began a bible study with some ladies from church learning about spiritual disciplines. One of the first disciplines we learned about was silence and solitude. This is something that would have been very hard for me to do in the past. My mind wanders, I'm writing blog posts in my head, planning dinner for the week, etc. But I was ready to hear from God again. Practicing this discipline, He continued to speak to me in pictures, Jesus and I walking by a stream, not talking or even looking at each other, just enjoying our time together. I also learned to listen through scripture and God started speaking to me about lies I've believed all my life. He spoke truth into those lies and gave me pictures I can go back to whenever those lies rear their ugly heads.
A couple months later, another bible study opportunity came up and I jumped on it, feeling as though I was only beginning to scratch the surface of what God had to tell me. This study is one of listening and healing. I went in with high expectations and He has not let me down. He's shown me instances from my past that have clouded the way I've lived my life, more lies I've believed about myself that have shaped who I have become. He has assured me He was with me all along, His heart broke when mine did but He was always there. The love, acceptance and peace I have experienced through listening has been so amazing.
I wish I could tell you I've learned to listen and now my whole life has changed, but that's just not true. In fact, I think there's so much emotion at the surface right now that I'm a mess! I've become aware of so many lies I've believed and even though I have experienced healing from those lies, trying to live my life in a way that doesn't reflect those lies is not something that will happen overnight. And I know there's more. To me, what's so amazing about this journey is that God, you know the creator of the universe, the sovereign King, wants to speak to me. He doesn't want to tell me all the rules, how to live my life and what to tell other people, He just wants to talk to me because He likes me. He likes me!! He doesn't just want to have a relationship with me where I pray and read the bible and fellowship with other believers. He has things He wants to say to me, not just generic things, either. Things that matter only to me. He wants to spend time with me walking beside still waters, lying in green pastures simply enjoying each other's company. Kind of hard to wrap my head around that...
I've been told most of my life that I'm a very good listener. My parents and my husband might beg to differ on this, but many others would probably agree that I have good listening skills. It's probably for this reason that I chose to be a social worker. I basically listen for a living. That and fill out paperwork. It's important for you to know this because this post is about me learning to listen to God. It's funny because I always knew that God wanted to have a relationship with me and it was very important for me to spend time with Him to cultivate that relationship. Somehow, in my mind, that meant I needed to do a lot of talking to Him. And talk I did. It never entered my mind that I needed to listen. Sure, God spoke to me through His word on occasion, more often through impressions and such, but never because I was really listening. I'm guessing it was usually a last ditch effort to get my attention! Until this past year...
I went to a retreat in September and there were a few ladies who made the announcement that they wanted to bless us at this retreat by sitting with us, hearing from God and speaking to us through Him. I made up my mind the minute they started talking that they were crazy and there was no way I was subjecting myself to that nonsense. Through the next couple of days, though, I started to hear from other people at the retreat that this really was a blessing and they had been so moved by their time with these ladies. A friend and I really talked through our reservations with it, trying to figure out what made it feel so uncomfortable for us. In the end, we decided it was worth a shot. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it was. Almost from the minute we sat down, I could just feel the presence of God and, when they started talking, it was like Jesus was speaking straight to me. He told me how much He enjoys our relationship, how very precious I am to Him, how my desire to know Him and show others His love through me is going to bless many. I just broke down in tears. The ladies talked about seeing pictures of different things, a tree with a heart inside showing I'm well-rooted in His love, Jesus and I sitting and talking and laughing together, and a couple others. I have never been one to think or visualize in pictures, but when they were talking to me, my mind immediately picked up on these pictures and they've come back many times in my mind to remind me of what my relationship with Jesus looks like. You can probably gather that this time was amazing for me.
I have learned all my life that Jesus loves me, that I'm precious to Him that I am beautiful and perfect to Him. It's one thing to know this in your head, but quite another thing to hear it from Him, to feel it in your heart. I felt it and have been on a mission ever since to continue hearing from Him. A couple months after this retreat I began a bible study with some ladies from church learning about spiritual disciplines. One of the first disciplines we learned about was silence and solitude. This is something that would have been very hard for me to do in the past. My mind wanders, I'm writing blog posts in my head, planning dinner for the week, etc. But I was ready to hear from God again. Practicing this discipline, He continued to speak to me in pictures, Jesus and I walking by a stream, not talking or even looking at each other, just enjoying our time together. I also learned to listen through scripture and God started speaking to me about lies I've believed all my life. He spoke truth into those lies and gave me pictures I can go back to whenever those lies rear their ugly heads.
A couple months later, another bible study opportunity came up and I jumped on it, feeling as though I was only beginning to scratch the surface of what God had to tell me. This study is one of listening and healing. I went in with high expectations and He has not let me down. He's shown me instances from my past that have clouded the way I've lived my life, more lies I've believed about myself that have shaped who I have become. He has assured me He was with me all along, His heart broke when mine did but He was always there. The love, acceptance and peace I have experienced through listening has been so amazing.
I wish I could tell you I've learned to listen and now my whole life has changed, but that's just not true. In fact, I think there's so much emotion at the surface right now that I'm a mess! I've become aware of so many lies I've believed and even though I have experienced healing from those lies, trying to live my life in a way that doesn't reflect those lies is not something that will happen overnight. And I know there's more. To me, what's so amazing about this journey is that God, you know the creator of the universe, the sovereign King, wants to speak to me. He doesn't want to tell me all the rules, how to live my life and what to tell other people, He just wants to talk to me because He likes me. He likes me!! He doesn't just want to have a relationship with me where I pray and read the bible and fellowship with other believers. He has things He wants to say to me, not just generic things, either. Things that matter only to me. He wants to spend time with me walking beside still waters, lying in green pastures simply enjoying each other's company. Kind of hard to wrap my head around that...
Friday, February 3, 2012
Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage...
I've been thinking about this whole marriage thing a lot lately. I got married when I was 20. That's right 20! And, for whatever reason, I went into this marriage with the assumption that life would be a fairy tale. I really did think that. I thought my husband would adore me, treat me like a princess and ultimately make me happy. I thought we would enjoy every second together and that I would never tire of being the good wife I knew I was destined to be. I thought that surely I would make him happy, because I'm pretty amazing! Shocker, this didn't happen. We enjoyed being around each other most of the time, we tried really hard to make each other happy, but just felt defeated when we realized it wasn't working. I thought I was doing everything right, but my husband still preferred being at work to being home with me. After years of this I felt unloved, unappreciated and thought I had for sure married the wrong guy.
The sad part about this story is that I honestly believed I was the only person who felt this way. All around me I saw people who appeared to be so happily married. I saw men who appeared to be perfect gentlemen, giving their wives everything they needed. From the outside looking in, everybody around me was blissfully happy and I started to wonder what was wrong with me and I definitely started wondering what was wrong with my husband. I felt ashamed and like I couldn't tell anybody without being judged. I spent a couple years angry, bitter and resentful which really didn't help the whole happiness thing.
I knew something had to change. Apparently, nothing I could do or say was going to make my husband love me more or make me happy. I knew I had to make some changes for myself. At this point I still did not know one married couple who was struggling, I still felt very alone and didn't know where to turn. It's sad that I had to get to a point where I had nobody to turn to before I turned to God. I knew Him, I knew He was with me always, but I thought I had messed up His plan and wasn't entirely sure He was going to bail me out of my mistakes. But I gave it a shot and of course He wrapped His arms around me and showed me how much He loved me, how He longed to bring me joy if I would only let Him, that I was His child, His princess. He began to show me that marriage was not about me being happy. I was designed to give God glory which should bring me amazing joy (very different from happiness, at least the happiness our society teaches us about). To bring God glory through my marriage, it was essential that I give up the anger, resentment and bitterness towards my husband. I began to pray for him, to make lists of all the things I loved about him and refer to those when I started to get upset with him. I learned that forgiveness is a foundation to marriage. We've both done a lot of stupid things, but God calls us to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. Yep, we've had to do that many, many times. Sometimes I get tired of forgiving, but then God reminds me that He never tires of forgiving me. How can I justify not forgiving when reminded of that?
Fast forward about 5 years. My husband is a completely changed man. My faithfulness to God and commitment to my marriage has been rewarded big time. It's not perfect, we still argue, I still feel "unhappy" some of the time and we both still have opportunities to forgive, but with the focus of our marriage being to glorifying God there's a certain joy underlining it all.
The main reason I wanted to write about this is to highlight on the part where I felt so alone, like I was the only one who had problems in my marriage. I get so frustrated at our desire to present as people who have it all together. And this seems especially to be the case within the church community. I'm here to tell you I do not have it all together. God has blessed my marriage, but boy have we been through it! I want so badly for other women feeling alone and ashamed of the state of their marriage to see very real, very honest examples of other people who have come through it, or who are still in the thick of it. I want them to feel they have a safe place to turn where they won't be judged. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is hope. It might not be easy and things probably won't change overnight, but God loves us and wants to bless us in our marriages. So again, let's be real, let's be transparent, let's be a community that encourages and supports one another in our brokenness.
The sad part about this story is that I honestly believed I was the only person who felt this way. All around me I saw people who appeared to be so happily married. I saw men who appeared to be perfect gentlemen, giving their wives everything they needed. From the outside looking in, everybody around me was blissfully happy and I started to wonder what was wrong with me and I definitely started wondering what was wrong with my husband. I felt ashamed and like I couldn't tell anybody without being judged. I spent a couple years angry, bitter and resentful which really didn't help the whole happiness thing.
I knew something had to change. Apparently, nothing I could do or say was going to make my husband love me more or make me happy. I knew I had to make some changes for myself. At this point I still did not know one married couple who was struggling, I still felt very alone and didn't know where to turn. It's sad that I had to get to a point where I had nobody to turn to before I turned to God. I knew Him, I knew He was with me always, but I thought I had messed up His plan and wasn't entirely sure He was going to bail me out of my mistakes. But I gave it a shot and of course He wrapped His arms around me and showed me how much He loved me, how He longed to bring me joy if I would only let Him, that I was His child, His princess. He began to show me that marriage was not about me being happy. I was designed to give God glory which should bring me amazing joy (very different from happiness, at least the happiness our society teaches us about). To bring God glory through my marriage, it was essential that I give up the anger, resentment and bitterness towards my husband. I began to pray for him, to make lists of all the things I loved about him and refer to those when I started to get upset with him. I learned that forgiveness is a foundation to marriage. We've both done a lot of stupid things, but God calls us to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. Yep, we've had to do that many, many times. Sometimes I get tired of forgiving, but then God reminds me that He never tires of forgiving me. How can I justify not forgiving when reminded of that?
Fast forward about 5 years. My husband is a completely changed man. My faithfulness to God and commitment to my marriage has been rewarded big time. It's not perfect, we still argue, I still feel "unhappy" some of the time and we both still have opportunities to forgive, but with the focus of our marriage being to glorifying God there's a certain joy underlining it all.
The main reason I wanted to write about this is to highlight on the part where I felt so alone, like I was the only one who had problems in my marriage. I get so frustrated at our desire to present as people who have it all together. And this seems especially to be the case within the church community. I'm here to tell you I do not have it all together. God has blessed my marriage, but boy have we been through it! I want so badly for other women feeling alone and ashamed of the state of their marriage to see very real, very honest examples of other people who have come through it, or who are still in the thick of it. I want them to feel they have a safe place to turn where they won't be judged. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is hope. It might not be easy and things probably won't change overnight, but God loves us and wants to bless us in our marriages. So again, let's be real, let's be transparent, let's be a community that encourages and supports one another in our brokenness.
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