Hard Times

Seems like so many people around me are going through tough stuff right now.  I find myself in a position where I wonder what I should say, what I should do, should I even say or do anything, I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, etc. etc. etc.  It's a little overwhelming and then I think, "why am I making this about me?"  Now if this were a client I could very easily put myself in a position to listen, encourage and support knowing that they are coming to me as somewhat of an expert.  As a friend, though, I somehow feel very different and very hesitant, even vulnerable to put myself out there.  And so, I've been talking myself through this, going back to all my training as a social worker/counselor, thinking about what I've wanted and needed in tough times and trying to piece together how I can be a good friend to all my friends who are struggling right now.  


It's important to know that I'm not a great friend.  It's like I didn't get that gene or something to show my friends outwardly that I care about them.  And I do care about them, a lot.  My heart aches for them when I know they are hurting.  I pray for my friends often.  But I'm horrible at showing it.  I really don't like talking on the phone, I rarely have time without kids to grab coffee, I forget birthdays, etc.  Really makes you want to be my friend, huh?  I'm trying to improve, though, I really am.  I recognize that I'm missing out on important relationships because I'm uncomfortable putting myself out there.  I'm writing this in an effort to remind myself, but also as a sort of accountability that I'm going to be a better friend!


I remember going through my marriage difficulties, feeling so alone and wishing somebody/anybody would talk to me about it, put the issue out there and allow me to talk about it.  But standing on the other side of things, it's scary to put stuff out there, assuming someone wants to talk about what they're going through.  Even though it's scary, my "research" has told me that most people do indeed want to talk about it.  Even if they don't think they do, given the opportunity the words will pour out and they will feel some healing from the sharing.  And you know what?  The worst that can happen is they say "I don't want to talk about it" and we talk about something else.  The important thing here is being present for my friends.  If I avoid them because I don't know what to say or am uncomfortable, I'm only creating more of a problem.  The only thing worse than going through rough patches is going through them seemingly alone.  If I'm going to be a good friend I need to get over myself and be the friend I need to be, regardless how uncomfortable I feel.


Another thing that has occurred to me through this thought process is that I tend to have expectations of how people should act, how they should feel, etc.  How stupid is this?  What gives me the right to have any expectation of how my friend is handling something?  It's so important to remember that everyone is walking their own road with their own trials and even if I can understand, having walked a hard road myself it doesn't mean I know their particular struggles.  As a friend, I need to be empathetic.  I learned the best definition of empathy in a love and logic class I took recently.  It was defined as "your pain in my heart".  I'm a sap, but this definition brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it.  I cannot feel my friends actual pain, but my heart can hurt for them.  If I'm placing expectations on them, I'm not showing them how my heart hurts for them and I'm certainly not showing them grace.  So anytime a friend reacts in a way that I don't understand, makes decisions that don't make sense, says something that makes me want to strike back or is downright nasty, I need to remember that I can't feel their pain, I can't have any way of knowing how I might react in their same situation.  It's when these things happen that I need to bypass my first reaction and move to extending empathy and grace to my friend when she needs it most.


If I'm going to be any kind of support or encouragement for my friends, I have to get over myself.  I have to be willing to talk about the hard stuff, even bring it up when they won't and I have to be willing to let go of my expectations of them.  I have to be willing to be present when they ask me to be there and even when they don't.  Most importantly, I have to extend a huge amount of empathy and grace, especially when it's not my natural reaction.