I've been thinking about this whole marriage thing a lot lately. I got married when I was 20. That's right 20! And, for whatever reason, I went into this marriage with the assumption that life would be a fairy tale. I really did think that. I thought my husband would adore me, treat me like a princess and ultimately make me happy. I thought we would enjoy every second together and that I would never tire of being the good wife I knew I was destined to be. I thought that surely I would make him happy, because I'm pretty amazing! Shocker, this didn't happen. We enjoyed being around each other most of the time, we tried really hard to make each other happy, but just felt defeated when we realized it wasn't working. I thought I was doing everything right, but my husband still preferred being at work to being home with me. After years of this I felt unloved, unappreciated and thought I had for sure married the wrong guy.
The sad part about this story is that I honestly believed I was the only person who felt this way. All around me I saw people who appeared to be so happily married. I saw men who appeared to be perfect gentlemen, giving their wives everything they needed. From the outside looking in, everybody around me was blissfully happy and I started to wonder what was wrong with me and I definitely started wondering what was wrong with my husband. I felt ashamed and like I couldn't tell anybody without being judged. I spent a couple years angry, bitter and resentful which really didn't help the whole happiness thing.
I knew something had to change. Apparently, nothing I could do or say was going to make my husband love me more or make me happy. I knew I had to make some changes for myself. At this point I still did not know one married couple who was struggling, I still felt very alone and didn't know where to turn. It's sad that I had to get to a point where I had nobody to turn to before I turned to God. I knew Him, I knew He was with me always, but I thought I had messed up His plan and wasn't entirely sure He was going to bail me out of my mistakes. But I gave it a shot and of course He wrapped His arms around me and showed me how much He loved me, how He longed to bring me joy if I would only let Him, that I was His child, His princess. He began to show me that marriage was not about me being happy. I was designed to give God glory which should bring me amazing joy (very different from happiness, at least the happiness our society teaches us about). To bring God glory through my marriage, it was essential that I give up the anger, resentment and bitterness towards my husband. I began to pray for him, to make lists of all the things I loved about him and refer to those when I started to get upset with him. I learned that forgiveness is a foundation to marriage. We've both done a lot of stupid things, but God calls us to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. Yep, we've had to do that many, many times. Sometimes I get tired of forgiving, but then God reminds me that He never tires of forgiving me. How can I justify not forgiving when reminded of that?
Fast forward about 5 years. My husband is a completely changed man. My faithfulness to God and commitment to my marriage has been rewarded big time. It's not perfect, we still argue, I still feel "unhappy" some of the time and we both still have opportunities to forgive, but with the focus of our marriage being to glorifying God there's a certain joy underlining it all.
The main reason I wanted to write about this is to highlight on the part where I felt so alone, like I was the only one who had problems in my marriage. I get so frustrated at our desire to present as people who have it all together. And this seems especially to be the case within the church community. I'm here to tell you I do not have it all together. God has blessed my marriage, but boy have we been through it! I want so badly for other women feeling alone and ashamed of the state of their marriage to see very real, very honest examples of other people who have come through it, or who are still in the thick of it. I want them to feel they have a safe place to turn where they won't be judged. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is hope. It might not be easy and things probably won't change overnight, but God loves us and wants to bless us in our marriages. So again, let's be real, let's be transparent, let's be a community that encourages and supports one another in our brokenness.
How come I didn't know you then;) I remember being there, thinking my husband was the one who was supposed to meet all my needs. Realizing its not our spouses job to fulfill us is a huge thing. Thanks for sharing, its comforting to share those feelings and experiences and know we aren't alone.We aren't the only ones!!
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