I just want them to GET it!

I'm going to go ahead and skip over the apologies and excuses for not having written for so long.  There's a reason, maybe someday I'll write about it.  But today...

It's always this time of year more than any other that I really want my kids to get it.  I desire for them to really see Jesus, to get the specialness of His birth, to get the reason we celebrate Christmas.  (And, yes, I know specialness isn't really a word, I just like it, so I'm using it!)  But every year I begin to stress out a bit that it's not happening.  There's possibly some comparison going on as I see the traditions and fun other moms post about all over Facebook.  And I love the traditions I see happening, I love that my friends' children will look back with such fond memories of Christmas!  But I just can't seem to fathom making it happen in my home.  I mean, there's still work to do, meals to plan and make, a home to keep in some sort of order, homework and sports, and, and, and.  Then there's all the parties, food-making for these parties and present making/buying on top of it all.  It's all a little much for this mom.  I run out of time and energy to make it special and then my kids are acting greedy and I'm yelling at them for not being grateful and then I'm blogging about the epic fail Christmas is in our home.

But this year I've consciously changed my focus.  Instead of trying to add things or activities or really anything requiring extra time or energy to make the season special, I've decided to focus on me. No, I haven't gotten a massage or pampered myself.  I've decided to focus on my attitude, my heart and the state of gratefulness (or lack of) that it's in.  I've decided it's more important for my kids to see me living out the specialness of the season than doing things to make it special.  I'm slowing down, spending lots of time in prayer and reflection, spending quality time with the people I love, serving others where I have the opportunity (and with a happy heart), and giving up on anything that brings stress or "shoulds" to my life.

I don't know if my kids get it, honestly.  Of course, I think my kids are amazing, but as of now, I don't see especially cheerful, giving hearts in them.  But my hope is that when they look back on Christmas next year and years down the road, they won't have memories of a crazy, stressed out mom.  They also won't have memories of concrete, fun yearly traditions (I just have to face that it's not happening here).  Hopefully what they'll remember is a mom who really loved Jesus and lived that out.  That they'll remember a mom truly touched by the birth of her Savior, able to put everything else aside and revel in that, especially during the Christmas season.

Decompression

I've been wrestling with my priorities lately and hating that I've been so busy.  However, I'm not convinced I've done anything wrong.  This summer's been crazy and I've been very involved in projects for work and causes I'm passionate about.  It's taken me away from my kids some, but they've also witnessed their mom putting time and energy into things that are eternal.  They've seen their mom care about people and causes and put that care into action. They've seen that there are things more important in the big picture than them having fun or being entertained every day.  I don't feel bad about that.

But now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and ready to decompress a little.  And I think that's okay, too.  I'll start saying no to big projects for a while and spend my time helping with homework, watching my boys play football and attempting to get my household back in working order.

As I've been wrestling with my priorities, I've been putting pressure on myself to be one way or the other. Either throw myself into my passions or wait on those until my kids are gone and spend this time wholly with them.  But I wasn't feeling good about making that choice, either way.  My kids deserve my time and attention, but they also deserve to see their mom using her gifts and strengths to help others.  How do I expect them to develop empathy and compassion for others or to develop a desire to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves if they don't see it modeled by me?

I realize I may not be in the majority with this idea, and I'm okay with that.  I believe wholeheartedly that God gives us all strengths, gifts and desires of our heart that are very individual to us.  He may be calling you to care about people in a different way than He's called me, in a way that does not take you away from your family.  Amazing!  Live in that and thank God for it!  As for me, I have to learn to take my life in short seasons, some seasons for being very actively involved where He calls me and some for being fully present for my family.  He gives me strength and grace for both and I trust Him to fill in any gaps.

For now, I'm working towards decompressing.  If you're looking for some empathetic individual to take on your cause in this season, you'll have to find somebody else.  Ask me next year!

He Loves Me

Three years ago I attended a conference with some volunteers and staff from the local pregnancy center.  At the conference there was a group of ladies who wanted to bless the conference attendees in a way that sounded very weird to this Southern Baptist-raised girl.  They had been learning to really listen to what God was telling them about themselves and then went further to be able to listen what God was telling them about others.  I decided it was way out of my comfort zone and I wasn't sure at all that it was "okay" so I did not sign up to be blessed by them.  But throughout the weekend, I kept hearing from others how special it was to hear from God through these ladies words and that the things that were said spoke straight to their hearts.  A friend and I hesitantly decided we'd give it a try on the very last day.  I cannot even explain how amazing it was.  They prayed with me and held my hands and listened.  And from the moment they started speaking, the tears started flowing for me (I know, I know, that's not really a difficult feat).  My friend had the job of recording the words they spoke as best she could.  While I feel the words are personal and part of me wants to keep them all to myself, I also feel they tell a cool story about God in my life, so I'm going to share them here.

Encouraging words for Nicole  9/18/2011

I see a picture of a tree, and a heart.  You are well-rooted in His love.  There is a beauty about you and a gift of creativity.  A creativity in the uniqueness in your ministry.  You're very sensitive, caring and tender in your approach with people.  The Lord will bless people through your creativity and your love for the Lord.  You are picture perfect.  Your life pleases the Lord so much.  You are a blessing to humanity and to the Lord, not in the doing but in the being.  Your heart is poured out to the Lord, but He wants to pour to you a refreshing, an annointing in your ministry.  But there's more.  In your downloading, conversing with the Lord - He's laughing - a wonderful, fun relationship with the Lord.  Your heart is open and yielded to Him.  Walking with Him "where I go, you go".  More and more you will be speaking the Lord's words because you are yielded to Him.  It is going to "whet your whistle for more".  He's going to have more for you.  "You are My beloved".  He cherishes you.

Pretty cool, right?  It was definitely like God was speaking directly to me and the words about our relationship were so right on, it was good to know it wasn't just me that thought so :-)  You know, "does he like me as much as I like him?"  Obviously I know in my head how much He loves me, but hearing it in this way made is so very real, my heart knew it for sure.  The only thing I couldn't figure out was all the talk about my ministry.  I had just begun working for a Christian adoption agency as a birth parent counselor and adoptive family caseworker, but I didn't really identify it as my ministry.  But I didn't have any other ministry that I could think of.  And I certainly didn't think I was creative!  I went away feeling so loved and certainly blessed, but a bit confused.

If you've read my posts from the past year, you know I've recently discovered my creativity.  It wasn't until about a year after this conference that I began singing on the worship team at church and another year after that before I began playing the piano again at home.  And while I absolutely love doing that and feel so privileged to do so, I couldn't help doubting my abilities, that I was good enough to have anybody listen to me.  I also thought this can't be it, there must be something more I should be doing that I'm just missing.  Recently, I've had quite a few people tell me how much they love when I sing on the worship team.  At first I thought they were just being nice and I appreciated the encouragement.  But more and more people started commenting to me that something about me worshiping brought them to a place of worship, also.  I couldn't really figure out what this meant, but wow what an awesome responsibility and not one I felt ready or equipped to handle!

Then, a couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to spend some time alone with God.  This just doesn't happen often for me.  I was aching for this time with Him, knowing there was stuff He needed to tell me, I just needed to be in a place to really listen.  I settled into a quiet area outside surrounded by nature with my Bible and a notebook, ready and waiting for all God had to reveal to me.  What He told me is "there's not more."  Huh?  He told me I'm doing what He wants me to.  He did not make me a performer, a songwriter, a recording artist, or a concert pianist.  He created me to worship Him with a heart completely yielded to Him.  And when I do my love for Him, my awe for Him, is apparent to everyone around me.  I guess that's why I feel so alive when I worship, whether it's on stage, in the back row at church, or in my car.  It certainly "whets my whistle for more"!  So for now, and for as long as He calls me for this purpose and allows me the privilege of doing so, I'll use the gifts He's given me, not because they're so amazing, but because He gave them to me and He can make something of them.

Lazy

It's been entirely too long since I've written anything.  Summer is so crazy and I'm out of my routine.  I'm just realizing how much I miss writing, though, and how the ideas stop coming when I'm not engaging.  Kind of that "use it or lose it" thing.  So here I am.  I don't really have time, I definitely don't have ideas, but I'm starting.

I don't know what it is about summer that makes me lazy.  I suddenly struggle to get out of bed, I leave the dishes sitting until my husband gets fed up and does them, I have no energy or motivation to clean/organize/bake/work/etc.  I could redeem myself if I was having all kinds of fun with my kids but I'm not doing that, either.  It's sounds ridiculous and embarrassing to me as I write it, but it is what it is.  It's like it takes all my energy and focus to remain patient and kind with my kids all day every day, anything else might just push me over the edge.  So I guess I'll just continue, I'll endure.

If my kids can remember their mom as patient and kind (most of the time), I guess I can let go of that dream that they'll remember me as fun, clean, organized, etc. etc. etc.  I can live with that.  And a sane mom is pretty important, too!

A Home Study Worthy Marriage

You may not be aware of what my real job is.  As an adoption caseworker, part of my job is to assess families who are wanting to adopt a child.  This is the dreaded Home Study.  It involves intense interviews, questionnaires, autobiographies and a home inspection.  These families open up their lives to me and it’s my job to assess whether they’ve dealt with their issues enough to survive all that adopting a child may bring at them.  Talk about pressure!  Of course, I don’t make this decision on my own, I just gather the information and give recommendations.  Every time I finish a home study I leave thinking it’s a good thing I was able to conceive naturally because my husband and I would never have a home study approved.  It’s amazing to me how many of these couples can honestly tell me they would not change anything about their spouse, that they hardly ever argue, and that they can’t think of any weaknesses in their marriage.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, they’re either lying or my marriage is really messed up.  Either way, this last home study I did really got me thinking and evaluating the state of my marriage.

If I’m being real honest, I would say Satan attacks at least weekly trying to convince me that I should just give up.   He tells me that if things haven’t changed after 15 years, they’re not going to change.  He tells me I’ll never be happy.  He tells me that my husband and I are too different, have too much baggage and just don’t love each other enough to ever make it work.   And you guys, each time he attacks me with these lies, I’m tempted to believe them.  I hate admitting that!  I hate that I am so easily tempted to give up on something so important. 

Thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit sending off sirens when I start to become tempted by those lies.  And thankfully, I’ve learned that when those sirens go off, I need to slow down and focus on what I know to be true.  And here’s what I know to be true:  my husband and I absolutely won’t be able to make it work on our own.  We are too sinful, too unforgiving, and too selfish.  That’s why God designed marriage with Him at the center of it.  Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to us, but it does to God and He loves teaching us how to forgive, over and over and over.  I am absolutely incapable of overlooking my husband’s faults and loving him in spite of them.  But God helps me to see my husband through His eyes, he’s a sinner saved by grace just like me.  How can I hold that against him?  I am entirely too selfish, too prideful, and too competitive to be in a successful relationship without Christ in the middle of it. 

I truly believe this quote by John Piper from his book The Momentary Marriage.  He says, “The gospel of Christ crucified for our sins is the foundation of our lives.  Marriage exists to display it.  And when marriage breaks down, the gospel is there to forgive and heal and sustain until he comes, or until he calls.”  We sin, conflicts occur, our marriage struggles, but with God at the center of it we are able to forgive, He heals, and we move forward.  My marriage may not be home study worthy, but it is a constant example of the healing, redemptive, restoring work of Christ.  So I’ll keep moving forward, daily working at it, praying, and keeping my eyes on the only One who is capable of making something out of the mess we bring to the table.  

Confidence

I never used to think of myself as someone who lacked confidence.  I always thought I was just very realistic.  I mean, realistically, I knew I didn’t have the opportunities and coaching as a volleyball player as I would have had in a larger city, nor was I 6 foot tall and therefore my abilities were not at the Division I College level.  That’s realistic.  I knew my abilities as a piano player were not at concert pianist level, totally realistic.  I knew I could carry a tune, pick out harmonies and be a good back-up singer for those with more impressive voices.  Very true and very realistic.

I’ve always believed God gives us all gifts, His purpose is always to turn hearts toward Him and for some reason He wants to use us crazy humans to do that.  I was content in admitting my limitations and moving on, figuring there must be other gifts He’d given me, other areas He could really use me, because those gifts were obviously not good enough.   Years later I found myself very busy with things that drained me, very involved, very active but finding no fulfillment, purpose or meaning in any of them.  I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way when I was actively serving in church, spending time in prayer and studying my bible, serving my family and others.  I was severely lacking confidence and joy but I didn’t know why or how to change it. 

I’ve been writing about my journey through The Creative Call these past six months as I’ve been exploring and identifying the gifts God’s given me and discovering my creative call.  It turns out a huge part of this journey has been God restoring the confidence I never thought I lacked.  I’m having so much fun using the gifts He’s given me, gifts I thought weren’t good enough just months ago, and living in this place of knowing I am pleasing Him and glorifying Him.  That’s exactly where I want to be and it’s so enjoyable to be there without second guessing myself all the time.

It’s funny, because from the outside it may look as if nothing’s changed.  I still go about my day much the same as I always did.  There’s still the monotony of cleaning, cooking, and caring for my family.  My job hasn’t changed, the way I spend most of my time hasn’t changed.  I’m still busy and involved in many things.  But when I play the piano now, I play with purpose and confidence instead of guilt and frustration over having let it go for so long.  I know my practice is making me better, bringing me closer to a goal and I know the music I play, even the wrong notes, are pleasing to my Lord.   When I sing, I’m singing a little louder, a little stronger, with the confidence that I am right where God wants me.  With an attitude of praise and a heart of worship that I know without a doubt pleases Him, no matter what I sound like or whether anybody else hears me or not.  When I write, I write from a humble place, knowing I have a long ways to go but knowing also that it’s a journey God has me on and I need to be diligent in continuing that journey.  What a difference and what a joyous way to live!

I didn’t even know this is what I was working toward.  I didn’t know what God had in store for me and I still don’t know where I'm headed.  But I am confident I have the ability, only through Him, to be wherever He takes me.  I am confident only in Him and the freedom He has given me.  I need only to live in that, willingly, joyfully and thankfully.  

Clean - Home Edition

I know you’re all on pins and needles waiting for this.  The stars of my last post were baking soda and coconut oil with a bit of castile soap and apple cider vinegar.  Introducing today’s star:  Vinegar!!

I’m sure you all have noticed the Pinterest articles and Facebook posts about the amazing things that can be done with vinegar.  If you haven’t tried them, though, you’re in luck.  Because I’ve tried them and have landed on what I think are the most effective, cheap, non-toxic cleaners for your home.  I’ll also include a couple of things I just think it’s worth buying.  If you’re a housewife like me who needs things done efficiently, effectively and for as cheap as possible, you might find this post helpful.   Or it may just further convince you I really am a dirty hippie J

First things first, whenever I peel an orange, lemon, grapefruit, or lime, I throw it in a Ziploc bag in the freezer.  Then, when I have time, I put the peels in a jar and fill it up with plain white vinegar.  Left to sit for a few weeks, this makes a citrusy smelling vinegar that has extra cleaning power.  I definitely prefer it to plain vinegar smell as I’m cleaning and I love reusing things that would normally be thrown away.  I put this vinegar into spray bottles in each of my bathrooms.  I also cut up old t-shirts as rags and keep them in the bathroom.  The goal is to daily spray and wipe down the sinks and toilets.  Reality is, this happens a couple times a week.  Vinegar really works to cut through the grime.  I also use it on the mirrors.  As long as I use a microfiber cloth, there are no streaks.  No more Windex in my house!

When the showers are looking a bit grimy I spray them down with a mixture of 1 t. Dawn dish soap and 1 cup white vinegar.  This stuff is amazing!  I spray it on, leave for about 10 minutes and then just wipe it off with a cloth and rinse.  All the scum comes right off!  I used to use a daily shower spray and have experimented with a more diluted Dawn/Vinegar  every day solution, but honestly it’s just easier for me to clean it every couple of weeks. 

For the toilets, I spray them with the straight citrus vinegar and take a scrub brush to them.  This seems to do the trick well.    And for the floors, vinegar and hot water.  Vinegar is amazing, I’m telling you!  It disinfects, prevents mildew, dissolves dirt and grime, it simply cleans.  And if you’re worried about the smell, don’t!  It dissipates as soon as it dries so it will only smell for a little bit. 

For the kitchen, I make an all-purpose cleaner.  The basic recipe is:  ½ t. castile soap, 1 t. borax, ½ cup citrus vinegar and fill the rest of the spray bottle up with water.  This recipe just provides extra cleaning power for surfaces our food is on J  I use it on the counters, table, booster seat, appliances and sink.  I also try to spray the sink with straight vinegar every night and wipe it down just to make it shiny.  The floors get mopped with vinegar and hot water. 

I want you to know I have really tried to make my own dishwasher detergent and laundry detergent.  I’ve tried many different recipes, powdered, liquid, simple, very difficult.  None of them have worked well enough for me or been worth the time, effort, and weird ingredients.  So, I buy them.  I’m happy with the cheap Arm ‘n Hammer laundry detergent I can get in bulk size at Sam’s and I love the Members Mark liquid dishwasher detergent from Sam’s.  I use about half what the label calls for of both of these and still have good results.  I know, I know, they are toxic, but a girl can only do so much, right?  I choose not to worry or stress about it.  I put vinegar in the Jet Dry spot of the dishwasher which works wonderfully.  I also use vinegar as my fabric softener and love the results.  I just throw a couple dryer balls in the dryer with the clothes to prevent static cling.

That’s about it.  Vinegar is stupid cheap in huge bottles at Sams J  You can clean your entire house for cheap, cheap, cheap!  The hard part is actually getting motivated to clean.  This is why we’ve employed a family cleaning day on Sunday afternoons.  My husband acts as the drill sergeant handing out assignments and ensuring they’re done correctly and we all run around like crazy getting it all done.  It takes less than an hour and has been so helpful for me.  The rest of the family may not agree, but I love it!  

Thanks for bearing with me as I share all this.  I know these posts are long, but I promise it’s easier than it sounds!  You probably haven’t noticed, but I happen to be a bit word-y J  

Clean - Literally

I realize I’m quite random with this blog, this is me in real life!  Just when you get accustomed to my “deeper” ramblings on life a post like this comes along.  I’ve had quite a few people ask me about my homemade cleaning and personal care recipes so I thought I’d put them here.  I really want you to understand that I am not a crazy, crunchy, won’t put anything toxic on my body or anywhere near my children kind of person.  I have not done extensive research on parabens or SLS or anything of the like, I don’t have time for that!  I am not an expert on any of this stuff so don’t come after me if these don’t work for you.  Here are my requirements when it comes to the things I clean my body or my home with: 

•               easy to make
•        uses ingredients I can easily find
•        it works
•          it’s cheap

If it’s natural, better for my skin, better for the environment, non-toxic, etc. then that’s a bonus I’ll gladly take!  Trust me when I say I’ve tried about everything I’ve come across, and these are the things that have worked for me and fit my requirements.  I’ll separate this subject into 2 separate posts and start today with my personal care items by walking you through my day.

When I first wake up, I swish with about 1 tsp of coconut oil for 20 minutes or until everybody wakes up and expects me to talk to them.  I love starting my morning off with “what’s in your mouth?”  “what are you doing?”  and my favorite, “mom, talk a me!”   It’s called oil pulling, you can google it for all the specifics.  I’ve only recently started doing this in an attempt to remineralize a cavity the dentist is saying will probably require a crown.  I’ll let you know if it works.   

After that, I brush with a paste made from coconut oil, baking soda, xylitol and peppermint essential oil.  I just mix the baking soda and coconut oil until it forms a nice paste and then add the xylitol and peppermint oil to taste.   I certainly don’t want to get into a discussion about fluoride or why I do or don’t use it, but I’ve used this homemade version for quite a while now.  I just recently went to the dentist after a 6 year hiatus (gross, I know).  While I did have a couple cavities (hence the oil pulling experiment), the hygienist went on and on about how great my teeth looked, how little plaque there was, etc.  She was amazed I hadn’t had a cleaning in so long.  That’s enough encouragement for me to continue using my homemade concoction!

In the shower I always use glycerin soap from Glisten Naturals (shameless plug).   Glycerin soap is a humectant which means it seals in the moisture instead of stripping it like commercial soap.  The organic glycerin soap doesn’t contain any harsh, toxic ingredients and is great for everyone in your family.  It’s extra cheap for me because I help make it J  But we’ve recently added a line that will make it affordable for you, too!  Check us out at www.glistennaturals.com.  (End shameless plug).

I wash my hair every 5 days with a very diluted (20:1 ratio) water and castile soap.  I can do this because I’ve already transitioned my hair when I did the no-poo with baking soda.  My scalp no longer experiences the drying effects of washing with shampoo every day and stays cleaner, longer.   I’ll write a post soon updating you on that.  I rinse with a half and half mixture of apple cider vinegar and water. 

After my shower, I slather on coconut oil from face to toes as my moisturizer.  Love this stuff!  As for deodorant, I alternate between storebought whatever’s cheapest and a paste made out of, you guessed it, baking soda and coconut oil.  For some reason, this paste sometimes gives me a rash, but I know deodorant is very toxic so I try to use the homemade version as much as possible.  And yes, I brush my teeth with basically the same thing I put under my armpits J  I don’t keep them in the same jar, though, I’m not that dirty hippie!

I use Bare Minerals foundation but everything else is just the cheap stuff.  At night, I wash my face with coconut oil mixed with a couple drops of eucalyptus oil.  I massage it in my face and then put a hot washcloth over my face to draw out the dirt and junk.  I keep the washcloth on for about 30 seconds, rinse with hot water and put it back on my face.  I don’t scrub, just gently wipe, and then massage the leftover oil in my face.  I love this oil cleansing method!  You can google that, too, there’s lots of ways people suggest to do it.  It doesn’t make my face greasy, the coconut oil absorbs right in and leaves my face clean and moisturized. 

There you have it.  I love that my medicine cabinet is basically empty of all commercial stuff.  It has coconut oil, baking soda and some essential oils.  Talk about cheap and easy!  I don’t spend hours mixing things, either.  When I run out it takes a couple minutes to replenish.  And when I travel I just take along a small jar of coconut oil and a baggy of baking soda.  I’m really just a simple gal!  I buy my coconut oil from Tropical Traditions or through the local Bountiful Baskets co-op (www.bountifulbaskets.org)  and my baking soda in a very large bag at Sams Club.  Both items are inexpensive and last a long time.  I usually order my castile soap on Amazon, but you can find it at Target or even your local grocery store.  It seems expensive, but a large bottle which is usually about $14 lasts me at least 6 months with the small amount I use.   Way less than I was spending on scalp-healing shampoos before!

I’m sure you are all so interested in my beauty routine (insert sarcasm) but stay tuned for my cleaning routines!

Alone Time

Yesterday I found myself with some unplanned alone time.  A meeting had been cancelled, the older boys were at school and even the little guy was at preschool.  I weighed my options which included laundry, cleaning, washing sheets, baking or taxes.  A good, responsible wife and mother would have chosen at least one of these options.  I've recently decided to give myself a break, though, on this whole responsible and good stuff.  So I decided to sit and play the piano and completely ignore all the things I "should" be doing.

This is still such a new thing for me, this being able to sit and play when I feel like it.  I found some of my old books from my piano lessons days and started playing through them.  They were mostly Sonatas and Sonatinas that I practiced so often as a child, my fingers seemed to fall right into place, remembering what to do.  It was during one of these formerly well-known Sonatinas that I became overwhelmed with emotion.  It was not a particularly meaningful song to me, it didn't bring back memories or anything, so I can't explain why I suddenly found myself in tears.  It's hard to explain and I realize it sounds so sappy, but something about playing felt so right, like I was doing something I was made to do.  And in my logical mind, this doesn't make any sense.  Nobody heard me, nobody was blessed by my playing, I'm not writing original songs or playing and singing "worship" songs.  Yet I felt so strongly that I was truly glorifying God while playing a Sonatina I had mastered when I was 9, totally alone.

When I was 9 I played the music my teacher assigned to me.  And I was a good little piano student, practicing often (too often, if you ask my younger siblings).  I liked the music, it was fun to play over and over until I could play without even looking at the music.  But I had no appreciation for the music, it was just notes on a page that I could make come alive on the piano.  I think now, though, I finally have an appreciation for the music.  Now I recognize the talent, the God-given gifts that it took to compose these songs.  And whether they were written with the intent of glorifying God or not, to me they do exactly that.  What a privilege it is to take part in that!

A Piano Story

If you’ve read my last few posts, you know that I’ve been on somewhat of a journey trying to not only discover the artistic gifts God has given me, but how I can allow Him to use those gifts for His purpose.   So many cool things have happened through this journey, but I think today’s story is the coolest. 

First, some history.  I come from a long line of piano players on both sides of my family.  It was almost a given that I would play, also.  I started taking lessons at 5.  I finally decided I wanted to do other things with my time around 14.  I loved playing piano as a child, it was a stress reliever, I was confident in my ability to play and I could easily get lost in the music.  In high school I accompanied the choir and continued to play for enjoyment at home.  Then I went to college.  I was not a music major, but I took a couple music classes that made me doubt any musical ability I thought I had.  I pretty much rejected music and moved forward in other things I thought I had real talent in.  I did not even touch a piano for the next 10 years of my life, I did not sing.  I had somehow been convinced that any musical talent I possessed was not good enough and that God would certainly not want to use them.  When we bought our first home, my mom gave me her piano which had been my grandpa’s.  I was excited to play it, but found the lack of time I had and the amount I had forgotten very frustrating.  The piano was hardly touched.  Then we moved and moved again.  The piano remains in that house, far away from me. 

Last year when I did a study on Spiritual Rhythms I recognized playing piano as a desire of my heart.   I told my husband and he brought me back to reality.  There just wasn’t a way to get my piano here or a place to put it.  So I let it go.  The Creative Call confirmed my desire to play piano.  The writer encouraged us to think back to when we were little and what activities fulfilled us.  The answer for me was simple:  piano.  But I immediately began to push those thoughts away and fill with doubt that it would be possible for me to have a piano to play in our current housing situation or that I would even have any ability left to play.  Then God said, “You haven’t asked me”.  Huh.  Why didn’t I think of that?  So I asked Him.  And then I shared with other people my request.  I was immediately presented with options for different pianos and keyboards, but for various reasons they just wouldn’t work.  My husband and I went to a music store to look for something else and I looked longingly at all the different pianos in the store.  I came upon the digital pianos and knew immediately this was an option that would work.  But they were way out of budget.  Ugh.

6 weeks later, I received an email with a flyer attached.  Somebody in our small community was moving and had a digital piano she needed to sell.  For about a quarter of the cost of a new one.  The best part?  I received Christmas money this past year that covers the cost of the piano.  My piano came home yesterday thanks to the muscles of a few good men.  I’m in love.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  My kids are excited to take lessons, and they’re old enough to leave me alone to play.  What a blessing this is for my family!!  But I haven’t been brave enough to sit down and really play it, yet.  Those doubts sit just under the surface, lurking.

I often count my blessings and thank God for all the ways He shows His love to me, to my family, etc.  These are usually fairly generic, though, and it’s sometimes easy to believe He loves us all in the same way.  And then something like this comes along and He shows me how His love for me is so very intimate, that He cares about the things I care about, that He wants to bless me in ways that speak straight to my heart.  How could I do anything but turn those blessings around and offer them right back to Him?  I was reading back through my journal from the past few months and found this prayer:  Lord, I confess that I doubted my gifts were good enough to be used by You.  I gave up and put them aside instead of trusting You.  Please forgive me.  I lay all my doubts and fears and guilt about this at your feet.  I trust You with my gifts and believe that You can and will use them to glorify You, even if I don’t think I’m good enough.”  This continues to be my prayer, feel free to keep me accountable to this if you hear negativity coming out of my mouth in this area!

Artist. Or Not.

I mentioned a while back that I was embarking on a journey to discover what my calling is as an artist.  It’s really important that you understand I have never, EVER viewed myself as an artist.  I learned early on that I was not capable of drawing anything other than a stick figure and my natural interests just never led me in the way of other artistic endeavors.  I thought art was drawing, painting, pottery, basically things you created with your hands and your artistic eye.  I spent many years learning and playing the piano, but I played strictly what the sheet music told me to play so I didn’t even think that was artistic.  I wrote essays and speeches very successfully in school, but failed miserably at writing creative fiction.  It never occurred to me that writing anything other than creative fiction was artistic in any way.  In the years that followed, I labeled myself very concretely as an un-artistic person and I lived in that, I was totally ok with it. 

And yet I found myself a few months ago in a small room packed with a whole bunch of women, many whom I know to be amazing artists, all of us wanting to learn who we are as artists and how to use the talents God has given us.  I can’t really explain why I even went to this first meeting.  I mean, why in the world would an un-artistic person want to learn how to be artistic?  It’s something you have or you don’t, right?  And I thought I had proven I did not have it!  But something about the description piqued my interest and I took the plunge.  It’s been an interesting journey to say the least. 

We’re 7 chapters into the book and I’m just now beginning to think I might, just might, have some artistic abilities that God would possibly want to use.  I wish I could tell you I’ve approached this with a positive attitude, but my lack of self-confidence in this area has really made the whole journey hard.  It’s like I know God can use whatever I give Him, He’s awesome like that, but I have myself convinced that what I have to offer is nowhere good enough.  I’m constantly fighting against what I know to be true.  One week I’m feeling secure in that I am God’s artist, that what I have to offer doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be offered.  Another week I feel like God might as well skip right over me and use somebody who really has valuable artistic abilities.  I’ve even had a bit of a pity party over this.

But God’s recently given me some insights that have turned my attitude around.  I’ve always thought that an artist has the ability to see beyond what is to what it can be, that an artist can see beauty in the broken, discarded things of this world and have the ability to turn them into something beautiful.  God has shown me that while I don’t have that kind of vision or talent when it comes to objects, colors, or blank canvases, I do have that vision when it comes to people.  And while I certainly can’t create people, I can allow God to use my words and actions to help hurt, broken and seemingly discarded people become who He desires for them to be.  Whether that’s through my story told in person or in my writing, through helping lead a room full of people in worship, or simply through sharing music with my children in our home, God can see my heart and use whatever I’m willing to give Him, talented, marketable or not, to make beautiful things.  So while I may never identify myself as an artist, I can definitely call myself His artist.  

Fight

This one feels especially personal.  Part of me hesitates to put it out there, but I have a feeling that I’m just not the only one dealing with this stuff.  My stuff may not be particularly helpful or insightful to most people, but if there’s somebody else out there dealing with the same stuff, I can at least prove you’re not the only one.  Camaraderie goes a long way.  So, here goes:

I am a non-confrontational person.  I avoid it at all costs.  I just don’t like it.  Thankfully, I’m very hard to offend.  God has blessed me with a natural ability to see beyond other people’s words and actions that could be considered offensive and wonder what’s going on behind the scenes that might cause them to react that way.  I am understanding and sensitive to others.  Unfortunately, that means I’m also extremely gullible.  I can be convinced of just about anything J  Because of this, I don’t usually have occasion for confrontation…

EXCEPT when it comes to my husband.  I don’t know what it is, but all that stuff goes out the window when it comes to him.  I become opinionated and not afraid to share it.  I take anything even remotely uncomfortable and exaggerate it.  I become ultra-sensitive and very easily offended.  With him, I want to fight.  I want to be heard and I’ll use whatever means necessary to get what I need from him.  And our fighting is ugly.  Not physical, but ugly with words.  We’re mean and selfish and we both say things we know will hurt.  I know better, I really do.  I’ve tried so hard to let things go and be the quiet, submissive wife I know I should be.  Why is it so hard? 

I read this verse in my devotions recently that really convicted me.  The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Exodus 14:14  I started to think about why I fight with my husband and what I’m hoping to gain from it.  It occurred to me that somehow I’ve convinced myself that I have to stick up for myself or I’ll become his doormat.  I guess it’s this societal pressure to be a strong woman who can hold my own, that would never let a man keep me down.  It doesn’t help that I have a very strong-willed, highly opinionated man who can easily walk all over a quiet, non-confrontational woman like me without even realizing he’s doing it.  You have to understand, my husband is not an oppressive man who has any desire to make me a doormat.  In fact, I think he believes in me more than I do, so I don’t know why I’m convinced I need to fight for myself.  Fighting is getting me nowhere.  It doesn’t make me strong, it makes my marriage weak.  It doesn’t make me equal with him, it just widens the gap between us. 

So I’m doing my best not to fight.  I have to trust that if there’s something my husband needs to be convicted of, I’m probably not the one who’s going to convince him of it!  I have to trust that if something I’m feeling the need to fight about is truly worth the fight, God can handle it.  Without my help!  We don’t fight all the time, in fact I think we have a pretty good marriage, but it happens enough to drive a wedge between us and it needs to stop.  I don’t believe it’s going to stop because all our problems are suddenly solved, I believe it’s going to stop when I start keeping my mouth shut.  I can share my opinions, I can help make decisions for our family, I can even participate in discussions when the need arises, but I need to be very conscious of asking myself if what I’m going to say is likely to cause a fight.  If so, then it’s not worth saying.   Instead of fighting in my marriage I’m going to fight for my marriage, one “keep your mouth shut, Nicole” at a time.

Lessons from Preschool

As I mentioned in my last post, part of our Christmas break included going to the funeral of my husband’s grandma.  While it was certainly sad to celebrate Christmas without her, the time with family we don’t get to see often was an unexpected blessing.  We held a sort of reception after the funeral service to be able to spend time with family and celebrate this amazing woman’s life.  After most of the people had left, I witnessed my husband’s aunt very patiently allowing my 3 year old to use serving tongs to help her put together a plate of leftovers.  This is a task I would have sent him away for so I could do it myself.  It’s a task that could be messy, could be wasteful, and would certainly take three times as long for him to do as it would if I just took care of it myself.  As a mom, that’s how I look at things.  I have so many things on my plate at any one time and I’m always in get it done mode.  My husband’s aunt is a preschool teacher, though.  She loves to see children use their motor skills to complete a task.  She loves to see them figure things out for themselves.  She loves to see the sense of accomplishment they feel when that task is completed.  I love these things, too, but don’t often have the time or patience to allow them to happen. 

As I was recalling this moment later the thought hit me that God is like a preschool teacher!  He is all about the process, all about us learning, all about blessing us with a sense of accomplishment when we come through to the other side of the process.  He’s so patient even when we want to be SO independent and think we can do everything “my my myself” as my 3 year old would say.  He’s patient with our tantrums, our selfishness, and our lack of focus.  And through it all he’s kind and loving and sees our potential.  He’s like the best preschool teacher ever!

I was reminded recently in a staff meeting as we were discussing the need to make up a shortfall of funds in our orphan care ministry, that the end result is so easy for God.  He can make that money appear in any number of ways in an instant.  He can heal our sickness, provide housing, get us a job, or heal our marriage all in the blink of an eye.  But He’s not like that multi-tasking, frazzled, just get it done mom.  He’s much more like the preschool teacher who knows there is so much value in trying, in using our brains and bodies, in working through something that doesn’t come easy, in taking the time to learn and grow through the task.  He sees the potential in us, He knows the end result and He wants us to get there by relying on Him for guidance and working through it with Him.  Just like a preschool teacher wouldn’t tell her students what to do and then leave them to their own devices to figure out how to do it, God’s right by our side, showing us the way, calming us down when we get frustrated, and comforting us when it doesn’t go the way we think it should.  I just love knowing that nothing is too big for Him, but He loves me too much to just give me everything I want or even need.  He loves me so much that He wants to make me better, stronger, more humble, more compassionate and understanding, and more like Him.  That’s worth the process.