Fight

This one feels especially personal.  Part of me hesitates to put it out there, but I have a feeling that I’m just not the only one dealing with this stuff.  My stuff may not be particularly helpful or insightful to most people, but if there’s somebody else out there dealing with the same stuff, I can at least prove you’re not the only one.  Camaraderie goes a long way.  So, here goes:

I am a non-confrontational person.  I avoid it at all costs.  I just don’t like it.  Thankfully, I’m very hard to offend.  God has blessed me with a natural ability to see beyond other people’s words and actions that could be considered offensive and wonder what’s going on behind the scenes that might cause them to react that way.  I am understanding and sensitive to others.  Unfortunately, that means I’m also extremely gullible.  I can be convinced of just about anything J  Because of this, I don’t usually have occasion for confrontation…

EXCEPT when it comes to my husband.  I don’t know what it is, but all that stuff goes out the window when it comes to him.  I become opinionated and not afraid to share it.  I take anything even remotely uncomfortable and exaggerate it.  I become ultra-sensitive and very easily offended.  With him, I want to fight.  I want to be heard and I’ll use whatever means necessary to get what I need from him.  And our fighting is ugly.  Not physical, but ugly with words.  We’re mean and selfish and we both say things we know will hurt.  I know better, I really do.  I’ve tried so hard to let things go and be the quiet, submissive wife I know I should be.  Why is it so hard? 

I read this verse in my devotions recently that really convicted me.  The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Exodus 14:14  I started to think about why I fight with my husband and what I’m hoping to gain from it.  It occurred to me that somehow I’ve convinced myself that I have to stick up for myself or I’ll become his doormat.  I guess it’s this societal pressure to be a strong woman who can hold my own, that would never let a man keep me down.  It doesn’t help that I have a very strong-willed, highly opinionated man who can easily walk all over a quiet, non-confrontational woman like me without even realizing he’s doing it.  You have to understand, my husband is not an oppressive man who has any desire to make me a doormat.  In fact, I think he believes in me more than I do, so I don’t know why I’m convinced I need to fight for myself.  Fighting is getting me nowhere.  It doesn’t make me strong, it makes my marriage weak.  It doesn’t make me equal with him, it just widens the gap between us. 

So I’m doing my best not to fight.  I have to trust that if there’s something my husband needs to be convicted of, I’m probably not the one who’s going to convince him of it!  I have to trust that if something I’m feeling the need to fight about is truly worth the fight, God can handle it.  Without my help!  We don’t fight all the time, in fact I think we have a pretty good marriage, but it happens enough to drive a wedge between us and it needs to stop.  I don’t believe it’s going to stop because all our problems are suddenly solved, I believe it’s going to stop when I start keeping my mouth shut.  I can share my opinions, I can help make decisions for our family, I can even participate in discussions when the need arises, but I need to be very conscious of asking myself if what I’m going to say is likely to cause a fight.  If so, then it’s not worth saying.   Instead of fighting in my marriage I’m going to fight for my marriage, one “keep your mouth shut, Nicole” at a time.