Confidence

I never used to think of myself as someone who lacked confidence.  I always thought I was just very realistic.  I mean, realistically, I knew I didn’t have the opportunities and coaching as a volleyball player as I would have had in a larger city, nor was I 6 foot tall and therefore my abilities were not at the Division I College level.  That’s realistic.  I knew my abilities as a piano player were not at concert pianist level, totally realistic.  I knew I could carry a tune, pick out harmonies and be a good back-up singer for those with more impressive voices.  Very true and very realistic.

I’ve always believed God gives us all gifts, His purpose is always to turn hearts toward Him and for some reason He wants to use us crazy humans to do that.  I was content in admitting my limitations and moving on, figuring there must be other gifts He’d given me, other areas He could really use me, because those gifts were obviously not good enough.   Years later I found myself very busy with things that drained me, very involved, very active but finding no fulfillment, purpose or meaning in any of them.  I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way when I was actively serving in church, spending time in prayer and studying my bible, serving my family and others.  I was severely lacking confidence and joy but I didn’t know why or how to change it. 

I’ve been writing about my journey through The Creative Call these past six months as I’ve been exploring and identifying the gifts God’s given me and discovering my creative call.  It turns out a huge part of this journey has been God restoring the confidence I never thought I lacked.  I’m having so much fun using the gifts He’s given me, gifts I thought weren’t good enough just months ago, and living in this place of knowing I am pleasing Him and glorifying Him.  That’s exactly where I want to be and it’s so enjoyable to be there without second guessing myself all the time.

It’s funny, because from the outside it may look as if nothing’s changed.  I still go about my day much the same as I always did.  There’s still the monotony of cleaning, cooking, and caring for my family.  My job hasn’t changed, the way I spend most of my time hasn’t changed.  I’m still busy and involved in many things.  But when I play the piano now, I play with purpose and confidence instead of guilt and frustration over having let it go for so long.  I know my practice is making me better, bringing me closer to a goal and I know the music I play, even the wrong notes, are pleasing to my Lord.   When I sing, I’m singing a little louder, a little stronger, with the confidence that I am right where God wants me.  With an attitude of praise and a heart of worship that I know without a doubt pleases Him, no matter what I sound like or whether anybody else hears me or not.  When I write, I write from a humble place, knowing I have a long ways to go but knowing also that it’s a journey God has me on and I need to be diligent in continuing that journey.  What a difference and what a joyous way to live!

I didn’t even know this is what I was working toward.  I didn’t know what God had in store for me and I still don’t know where I'm headed.  But I am confident I have the ability, only through Him, to be wherever He takes me.  I am confident only in Him and the freedom He has given me.  I need only to live in that, willingly, joyfully and thankfully.