A Start...

Well, here I am again. The longer I wait to write the more pressure I put on myself to make it really good when I finally do. I’m embarking on somewhat of a creative journey and I have no idea where God will take me in that, all I know is He wants me to start. He wants me to get over myself and my expectations of being good before I start. So, here it is, my start.

In my conviction to start, I began praying for inspiration. What do I even write about? In a moment of
sheer genius, I decided to read my bible. Duh, where else would I begin? BUT, I decided to look in my
old NIV Worship Bible. I haven’t used it for a while, but have kept it on the shelf. It’s like an old friend,
a bible that I used during some pretty rough times. If you’re not familiar with this bible, it has prayers
aligned with many of the verses or chapters as well as verses from many different hymns and worship
songs. These always managed to speak straight to my heart. In the Psalms section of this bible, though,
there are blank lines for the reader to write their own prayers. I read through the Psalms and wrote
my prayers back in 2006. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you’ll recognize the time of life
this put me in. I had two very little boys, 3 and 1, and a husband who came home as little as possible. I
was lonely, emotionally unsupported, in a marriage I had little hope of surviving, and was afraid to let
anybody know what was really going on. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and let you into my prayer life during this time. My hope is that it will be encouraging for somebody else. I didn’t know other moms struggled being moms, I didn’t know other godly women struggled in their marriage, I didn’t know anybody else who could possibly be as lonely as I was. If nothing else, I hope somebody will read this and know they are not alone! I feel like I’m in a good place to share this. God has redeemed my marriage, given me friends to confide in, and put in me the desire to encourage and come alongside other women who may be feeling some of the things I felt.

The first prayer I want to share with you came from Psalm 25. I encourage you to read it so you know
where my prayer came from. I’m always encouraged by David. For being a man after God’s own heart,
he sure screwed up a lot, doubted a lot, and spent a lot of time crying out to God. But I think that last
part is key, through it all, he cried out to God. Even when things were downright depressing and he felt
he had no hope, he cried out to God. Crying out to God allows me to vent, share my frustrations, ask for
help, but more than anything gives me hope. I know I serve a big, majestic God who IS mighty to save.
If I truly believe that, all I need do is cry out and He WILL help me. Okay, enough already, here’s my
prayer:

My hope is in you, Lord. I long to know Your ways, to follow the path You lead me down. I need 
you now more than ever because I am lonely, Lord. I miss my husband and long for true companionship. I am happy with You and You are all that I need, but I believe you’ve given me a husband to be my partner, to help raise our kids and I need him! Please fill me with hope, free me from the anguish I’m feeling and let me not be put to shame. I love You and trust that You will make things better than I can even imagine. Thank you for that hope. 2/19/06

I would encourage you to go back and read my post on Love and Marriage to see how God redeemed my marriage.  It's encouraging to know somebody else has been there, but it's also encouraging to see redemption and a happy ending, although it's far from over and our journey is still in process.  I think it's important to note that, although I wrote this prayer in 2006, I had been struggling already for a good 3 years and it was another 4 years after that before things started to change.  If nothing else, my story is a lesson in patience.  If I did not completely trust that God's Word was true, I think I would have given up long before things changed.  But I had to believe that if God says to cry out to Him and He will help, that He would indeed help, even if His timing looked different than what I would have liked at the time.

There you have it, my start.  I have more prayers that I think will be encouraging, so stay tuned.  I'm committed to keep writing and let God take it where He wants.  Thanks for joining me on my journey!