In the Moment

First of all, I want you all to know that I'm ok.  Really ok.  There's something about putting my struggles out there for the whole world to see (or just the 10 people who occasionally read my blog) and admitting to myself that something's just not right that is very healing.  Once I wrote those truths, I began repeating them to myself, telling God that I really believed them to be true.  And you know what?  He proved they are indeed true.  So now that you're all so relieved to hear I'm not in a pit of despair, I'm moving on.

I've been a parent now for almost 11 years.  With my first son I was great at taking lots of pictures, writing every single cute thing he did in the baby book and scrapbooking the most memorable moments.  Ever since the birth of my second son it's been all down hill.  Those of you who know me will know this next statement to be true:  I am not a picture taker.  Very rarely do I actually remember to bring a camera and even when I do remember, it usually stays in my bag.  And don't tell me I should take pictures on my phone because I live in the dark ages and still use a flip phone with a crappy camera.  This bothers me, it really does (not the crappy phone part, the not taking pictures part).  I see other moms who have their camera always at the ready and get the greatest shots of their kids doing all the greatest stuff and I want that, I really do.  But I just cannot make myself do it.  Then there's the writing.  I really want to remember all the cute things my kids say and do, I really, really do.  But I guess I'm just too darn lazy to actually take the time to write it down.  I mean I'd have to carry around a book with me, have a pen available, stop what I'm doing to write it before I forget.  It's all just too much work!  I've been living in this guilt/shame/feelings of laziness for quite a long time now without knowing quite how to make sense of it.

Well, I finally have it.  I read an article today that really made it all click with me.  I realized how much I enjoy being in the moment.  When I'm at a soccer game, I feel really distracted if I'm trying to take pictures, I just want to watch my kid play and cheer him on (or talk with my mom or the other soccer mom's on the sideline, this is equally as important to this relationship-seeking mom).  Not that the picture-taking moms aren't doing this, too, they are just apparently more capable of multi-tasking.  I am not.  I like to take on one thing and put everything I am into it.  I get stressed very easily when I'm trying to do too many things at one time.  Things like taking pictures and trying to write things down completely take me out of the moment and really take the joy out of what it is I'm doing.  That just doesn't make any sense at all to me.  So, instead of feeling guilty for not documenting all the things I'll someday wish I could remember, I'm going to happily live in the moment and enjoy those things as they're happening.  I guess I'm more worried about what my kids remember, not what I remember. I know pictures would help them remember, but I'm going to let that go and hope they'll remember their mom being there, cheering them on, being in the moment with them.  And I hope they'll forgive me when I don't have photos for their wedding video.