Balance

I think before I begin I need to give you an idea of what a week in our family looks like.  I promise I'm not trying to win a contest for the busiest family, I know we wouldn't win and it's not something I want to win at!!  So here it is.  Sunday is church which begins with set-up at 7:30 am and ends somewhere around 12:30 when everything is finally put back in the trailer.  Life Team Sunday afternoon/evening.  Monday middle child baseball game.  Tuesday I work most of the day, middle child piano lesson, oldest child baseball game.  Wednesday middle child baseball game, oldest child baseball practice.  Thursday I work again, oldest child baseball game.  Friday-nothing scheduled but that ALWAYS changes.  Saturday usually yard work that my husband doesn't have time for during the week due to coaching both boys in baseball!  So days are not so bad right now because it's summertime, but we're at the baseball field four nights of the week!  What in the world am I supposed to do about dinner?  How am I ever going to get the little guy to bed at a decent time? I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy for stressing about this type of schedule, but I am indeed stressing.

I know sports are important for kids social as well as physical development and I want my kids to have the opportunity to try a bunch of sports, activities, etc., while they're young so they can narrow them down by the time they get to jr. high/high school.  BUT, I hate having our family running a million different directions all the time and being too busy to cultivate our relationships with each other much less with other people in our lives.  So my question to you is, how in the world do you find that balance?  I used to think I had it under control.  My kids were younger then...Now it's a constant struggle for me and I need to know if I just need to accept that this is what our like is going to look like until our kids go to college (and maybe even beyond that) or do I fight against it?  I guess it would be a lot less stress on me if I were just to resign myself to the business, but I can't help feeling we're subjecting our family to unneeded stress.  I start to see my kids getting exhausted, fighting, having an attitude with me and I see myself doing the same thing!

We have limited it to one sport at a time, but we have two kids involved in sports in different age brackets which equates to constant sports.  My middle guy wants to learn guitar but must learn piano first, we're trying to encourage him in his interests.  My oldest guy loves hunting (well, he loves the idea of hunting, has yet to pull the trigger) so lots of time is spent practicing shooting, learning, spending time with dad in the woods.  How do I encourage them in their interests, talents and abilities while still maintaining some sort of stability in our home?  Just one more area of parenting I have a great fear of failing at, am probably stressing over something that can't be helped, worrying rather than enjoying this stage in our lives, etc. etc. etc.  But I would love ideas, suggestions, what works or doesn't work for your family!

Hoarders

I'm on a roll here, my mind's been going non-stop the past couple weeks and I feel the need to get it all down.  I'm not sure why, but lately I've been watching shows like Clean House and Hoarders when I work out.  They're not particularly motivating for my workout, but they're just about the right length and I'm strangely addicted to them.  Now, I'm somewhat in the mental health field and I recognize that some of these people really do have mental disorders.  However, it is so hard for me to understand how these people can accumulate so much stuff (much of it actual trash, no joke) in the first place, why in the world they have a hard time letting it go, and how they can let it get back to the awful state it was only months after getting it all cleaned up!!  I get so frustrated at this every time I watch.  Hmm, maybe that's the connection.  If I'm frustrated, I work out harder!

Anyways, yesterday as I was making my post-workout protein shake it hit me:  This is exactly what I do with Jesus.  There's this great clip we've watched in church a few times where Jesus offers to take this lady's bag of trash, she gives it to Him, feels so free and then immediately goes back to retrieve "just this one thing" from the trash bag.  So here I am, accumulating all this sin in my life, carrying it around on my shoulders, feeling so burdened by it.  Jesus reminds me that He wants to take this from me, I just have to give it to Him.  At first it sounds great, "Yes, Jesus, please take it away from me!"  But then I see all the little things He's taking that are really hard for me to give up and I cringe a bit, fight a bit, even hold on just a little bit longer...  Eventually I give it all over to Him, love the feeling of being free from the weight of it, look around me enjoying things I hadn't been because I was so crushed by the guilt and burden of my sin.  And this lasts a while.  But then I realize I kinda liked that one little thing, maybe I could just take that back.  It's only a little sin and it's not really hurting anybody.  Oh, and that other one, yeah that wouldn't be a bad one to have back.  Next thing you know I've got a whole trash bag of sin weighing me down again.  Yep, I'm a hoarder.

I wish I had all the answers, how to stop accumulating trash, how to give it to Jesus and never take it back.  But I think I'm like some of those hoarders with true mental disorders.  I don't believe there's a medicine they can take that will make them not want to accumulate stuff, I think they have to wake up every morning and remind themselves to be aware.  They have to deliberately stop and think before every purchase, force their body to clean something when their mind doesn't want to, be constantly on the lookout for their old way of life creeping back in.  I guess I have to do the same thing.  Be very aware of my sinful tendencies, ask the Holy Spirit for conviction when I want to stray, notice when I start to feel burdened and guilty.  And you know what, Jesus will take the trash I give Him as many times as I need to give it to Him.  He'll forgive me every time I screw up and try to take my trash back.  That's just the way He is and I sure am glad there's hope for hoarders like me.

Hiding

The boys and I took a road trip a couple weeks ago.  By boys I mean just my kiddos, the hubby had to stay home and work.  You need to understand that I am not the kind of mom who plans and implements road trip games.  I admire moms who do this and always think I probably should try a little harder in this area, but it has yet to happen.  So road trips with me usually look like this:  the two older boys with headphones on watching dvd's, the little guy sleeping (hopefully) or stuffing his face with whatever treats are interesting enough to keep him from screaming his protest at being in the carseat, and me listening to my music pretending I'm on a nice, relaxing road trip all by myself.  On this particular road trip, however, I decided not to put up the dvd players.  Crazy, I know.  So I decided to check out books on cd from the library that might be interesting for all of us to listen to (aside from the little guy, of course, he's out of luck regardless).  The boys took the news remarkably well and chose to listen to Shiloh first.  I think I've seen the movie before, but never read the book so it was a new experience for all of us and the boys were surprisingly intrigued with it.

Towards the end of the book, while driving over Red Mountain Pass, the boy in the book made a statement that I have not been able to forget since.  I think it's important to note here that God always speaks to me when driving over this pass.  The college I went to required me to drive over this pass in order to get home so I have plenty of experience driving over it.  I can't explain it, but I always look forward to hearing what He has to tell me on this drive.  Anyways, the boy in the book wanted to buy a dog from a very mean man and had to work it off by doing chores for this man.  Toward the end of his time working, he started to realize some things about the man and noticed that the man was very particular about his truck.  He kept it perfectly clean, free of dents and was completely consumed with keeping it this way.  The boy made note that the man kept his truck in perfect condition to hide all the ways he was not perfect.  I was so convicted by this and have been mulling over it ever since.  I figure if I can't get it out of my head, God's trying to tell me something.

So I've been thinking, what am I trying to hide and what am I hiding behind?  Unfortunately, I've come up with quite a long list.  I've been attempting to ditch the effort at perfectionism through this blog and remind myself and others that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to be okay, but I don't think I've been reminded enough.  It's so easy for me to get sucked back into worrying about what people think of me instead of just putting my effort into thinking about people.  I desire to focus on relationships yet I worry that my house isn't clean enough or nice enough to invite people over.  I desire to build new friendships yet I'm consumed with saying just the right thing, looking just the right way, so I chicken out convincing myself that when I have those things together I'll make that move.  I want to be more involved at my children's school, but I worry all the other "good" moms who volunteer weekly will look down their noses at me.  Really, I'm a mess!  I somehow have myself convinced that when I have all these things together, then I can really get to the important things I so desire; deep, meaningful relationships, honesty and integrity in my life, glorifying God in all I do, a heart that reflects His, etc. etc. etc.  God so wants to give me these desires of my heart but I have to stop hiding!

Regular Birthdays

We have a birthday this week in our home.  You fun, creative people are probably going to be appalled by the rest of this post.  As much as I want my kids to feel extra special on their special day, I think I fail miserably every year.  This is just one of those ways that my regularness comes out full force.  Why can't I be creative and fun just a few weeks out of the year????  But no, my practical and slightly lazy side just takes over.

Here's what birthdays look like in our home.  Every other year, the kids can have a "kid" party.  On the opposite years it's just a family party or doing something fun as a family.  The kid parties are simply cake and ice cream, presents and playing.  I have boys, all they really want to do is play with their friends.  I gave up on games and activities long ago when they kept asking if they "could just play".  Sure, go right ahead.  The morning of the birthday I try to have the "Happy Birthday" banner hung up.  It's about 8 years old, ratty and falling apart, but it's a tradition.  I make a yummy breakfast the birthday boy will like.  Dinner is birthday boy's choice, made at home of course.  Then they open the family presents.  That's it.  Woohoo.  And so, I need ideas people!  Not the plan ahead, spend hours making things kind of ideas, either.  Just easy, spur of the moment ideas to help me make my kids feel special on their special day...

That Friend

Today, a story.  Hopefully a story with a point, that is the goal.  This story begins in 6th grade.  Just the mention of 6th grade strikes fear in me and many others I'm sure.  It was this year that I switched from private school where I had the same friends since I was 1 to public school where I did not have 1 friend.  It was my choice to switch so don't go blaming my parents for doing this to me at such an awful time of transition in every child's life. I discovered this year just how shy I really was.  By the end of 6th grade I had 1 friend and I'm pretty sure she only befriended me because she didn't have any other friends.  We had nothing in common and she was really annoying.  It was a long year.  I have to add in here that God recently revealed to me just how much he was protecting me that year so long ago.  My teacher was an amazing man I knew from church, had known all my life and he was so kind to me.  There were a lot of bully's in my class that could have made my life miserable but they never once bothered me.  I was ahead of most of the class in a lot of areas so I never had the stress of always playing catch-up.   It was hard not having friends, but it could have been much worse.  In 6th grade I learned that it sucks to be on the outside looking in, to never quite fit in, to go about life without a friend to do it with.

Fast forward to high school.  I discovered sports, I discovered boys, I discovered extracurricular activities.  I never discovered how to fit in.  I still had a way of always being just on the outside of the circle, looking in, wondering why I wasn't on the inside, whether I really wanted to be.  Things didn't change in college.  I made friends with my teammates but our friendships seem to end outside the gym.  My roommate was never around, I didn't party, I had no idea where to fit in so I just didn't.  So, I got married.  I was a good, supportive wife following my husband wherever his job took him.  He made friends at work, I did not.  We finally settled down long enough for me to make some friends, to start feeling a part of a community when we had to move again.  That move filled me with despair and I was at a point of not wanting to even try anymore.

That's when I met That Friend.  You know, the one who pursued me, who didn't let me off the hook after one meeting.  The one who put herself out there and asked me to do things she had no idea I'd even be up for.  The one I could talk to for hours and never get bored.  The one who loved me and let me know I was worth being a friend to.  God knew I needed her and he put us in the right place at the right time.

Fast forward again.  Me and my friend don't live in the same state anymore, we don't get to talk on the phone much, but we do try to see each other whenever possible and savor every moment together.  I've recently been feeling a little lonely and left out in my community, finding myself again in a position where I just don't seem to fit in.  Wondering if I'm not good friend material, if I'm not nice enough, if I smell...I've been feeling sorry for myself.  Not an admirable thing to do.  A mentor of mine recently told me about a time in her life when she was pregnant and had moved to a new town.  She was lonely, too, but a lady at her new church came alongside her, pursued her and became That Friend to her.  It gave her a whole new lease on life.  So I got to thinking, maybe if I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I could go out and be That Friend for someone else.  Maybe we should all do that..

Practical Life Stuff

As the title of my blog suggests, I am just a regular mom.  To me, this means I do the best I can with what I have  and make up the rest as I go.  I've had a lot of people ask me lately how I handle everything without my life spinning out of control.  Now, I think you should know that on any given day I feel as if my life, or at least my sanity, is on the verge of spinning out of control.  Most of the time, though, we somehow manage to make it through one day and on to the next without complete chaos.  Anyways, I thought maybe I should write about some of the ways our family manages to hold it all together.  We are by no means experts and have come to our "system" through a lot of trial and a lot of error.  So, here's a glimpse into our household in any given week.


I've mentioned before that I love Flylady.  This lady has helped me to get over my perfectionist attitude toward cleaning (you know, the "if I don't have time to do it just the way I want to, I might as well not even start" attitude) and recognize that any amount of cleaning is better than none!  I've taken parts of her system and made them work for me.  For instance, I designate one hour a week as my cleaning hour.  I fly through the house vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning windows, feather dusting and cleaning toilets.  It literally only takes me one hour a week to feel like I'm on top of the cleaning.  Then, every week, I designate one other room to do a little deeper cleaning in.  That way, at least once a month, everything gets dusted well, sheets get changed, corners are vacuumed, etc.  There's a couple things I do every single day that make all the difference in the world.  I do one load of laundry every day.  My laundry baskets are never empty, but they're never overflowing, either.  I also keep clorox wipes in each bathroom and wipe down the countertops and toilet seats every day.  It's a bit of a splurge for this homemade cleaner gal, but I love knowing that all those germs are taken care of on a daily basis and it's easy for the kids to help with this one.  That's literally the basics of my cleaning.  One hour a week and about 15 minutes a day.


The other thing I do every week that saves us from a lot of chaos is I plan a weekly menu.  I sit down every Thursday afternoon and plan my menu for the following week.  I use the grocery ads to plan around what's on sale and make my grocery list as I plan my meals.  I also have my calendar in front of me so I can plan crock pot meals for the days I'm working, easy meals for nights we're busy, etc.  This takes me about an hour, which may seem like a lot, but I never have to wonder what's for dinner, make last minute trips to the store, eat out, etc.  This saves me time and money and saves my sanity!!  I designate one day as errand day and try and save all my running around for that day.  This helps me spend less money, saves on gas and allows me to have days where I don't have to leave the house.  I love those days!!


There you have it, that's a glimpse into our home.  I really love hearing about how other people handle their households, looking for gems I could incorporate into my crazy life.  I figured maybe somebody somewhere could glean something from hearing about my regularness (pretty sure that's not a word).

Hard Times

Seems like so many people around me are going through tough stuff right now.  I find myself in a position where I wonder what I should say, what I should do, should I even say or do anything, I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, etc. etc. etc.  It's a little overwhelming and then I think, "why am I making this about me?"  Now if this were a client I could very easily put myself in a position to listen, encourage and support knowing that they are coming to me as somewhat of an expert.  As a friend, though, I somehow feel very different and very hesitant, even vulnerable to put myself out there.  And so, I've been talking myself through this, going back to all my training as a social worker/counselor, thinking about what I've wanted and needed in tough times and trying to piece together how I can be a good friend to all my friends who are struggling right now.  


It's important to know that I'm not a great friend.  It's like I didn't get that gene or something to show my friends outwardly that I care about them.  And I do care about them, a lot.  My heart aches for them when I know they are hurting.  I pray for my friends often.  But I'm horrible at showing it.  I really don't like talking on the phone, I rarely have time without kids to grab coffee, I forget birthdays, etc.  Really makes you want to be my friend, huh?  I'm trying to improve, though, I really am.  I recognize that I'm missing out on important relationships because I'm uncomfortable putting myself out there.  I'm writing this in an effort to remind myself, but also as a sort of accountability that I'm going to be a better friend!


I remember going through my marriage difficulties, feeling so alone and wishing somebody/anybody would talk to me about it, put the issue out there and allow me to talk about it.  But standing on the other side of things, it's scary to put stuff out there, assuming someone wants to talk about what they're going through.  Even though it's scary, my "research" has told me that most people do indeed want to talk about it.  Even if they don't think they do, given the opportunity the words will pour out and they will feel some healing from the sharing.  And you know what?  The worst that can happen is they say "I don't want to talk about it" and we talk about something else.  The important thing here is being present for my friends.  If I avoid them because I don't know what to say or am uncomfortable, I'm only creating more of a problem.  The only thing worse than going through rough patches is going through them seemingly alone.  If I'm going to be a good friend I need to get over myself and be the friend I need to be, regardless how uncomfortable I feel.


Another thing that has occurred to me through this thought process is that I tend to have expectations of how people should act, how they should feel, etc.  How stupid is this?  What gives me the right to have any expectation of how my friend is handling something?  It's so important to remember that everyone is walking their own road with their own trials and even if I can understand, having walked a hard road myself it doesn't mean I know their particular struggles.  As a friend, I need to be empathetic.  I learned the best definition of empathy in a love and logic class I took recently.  It was defined as "your pain in my heart".  I'm a sap, but this definition brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it.  I cannot feel my friends actual pain, but my heart can hurt for them.  If I'm placing expectations on them, I'm not showing them how my heart hurts for them and I'm certainly not showing them grace.  So anytime a friend reacts in a way that I don't understand, makes decisions that don't make sense, says something that makes me want to strike back or is downright nasty, I need to remember that I can't feel their pain, I can't have any way of knowing how I might react in their same situation.  It's when these things happen that I need to bypass my first reaction and move to extending empathy and grace to my friend when she needs it most.


If I'm going to be any kind of support or encouragement for my friends, I have to get over myself.  I have to be willing to talk about the hard stuff, even bring it up when they won't and I have to be willing to let go of my expectations of them.  I have to be willing to be present when they ask me to be there and even when they don't.  Most importantly, I have to extend a huge amount of empathy and grace, especially when it's not my natural reaction.