Perfection

Ask anyone and they'll tell you that no one can be perfect.  Impossible.  I say the same thing, impossible, except, of course, for Jesus.  Him being perfect is what makes salvation even possible!  What I'm trying to figure out, though, is why we seem to strive for perfection.  I know you're thinking, "I don't try to be perfect, that's impossible."  That's what I've said to myself for many years now, but I seem to be finding evidence that proves otherwise. Don't worry, I'll explain.

I had kind of an aha moment this week while walking.  It was the first time since last fall that I've been able to get out the stroller and walk on our road.  It's just been too snowy, icy, slushy, muddy, etc.  But yesterday, it was a beautiful, sunny day and the road had dried enough to walk on.  Hallelujah!!  Here's where the aha moment came, but you need a little history.

In the past, I've spent all day at home, moving from one task to another, not really content with my progress, always wishing there were more hours in the day, pushing my toddler away so I can get the things done that NEED to be done.  I fit in a 12 minute interval workout because I just don't have time for anything else.  My days just seemed to flow into one another with nothing ever really getting accomplished.  Enter Flylady.  I know I've mentioned her before, but you have to believe me that this is an awesome system for keeping your home clear of clutter and company ready!  For the past 8 years I've used the flylady system on an off.  Well, last week I decided to get on it again. Having a system just makes all the difference for me.  I find that if I take 5 minutes in the morning to get dressed, get myself looking somewhat decent, wipe down the bathroom and put a load of laundry in, my whole day opens up!  Otherwise, I get up, drink coffee, get on the computer and then wonder how I'm going to get everything done that needs to be done that day and 2 hours later I finally decide to get my butt off my chair.  The flylady system operates under the principle that things don't have to be done perfect, they just have to get done.  In the past, I've told myself that if I don't have time to dust the way it's supposed to be done, moving every object and wiping under them, cleaning the objects as I go, then I should just wait until I do have time.  2 months later, I still haven't had time to dust the way it's "supposed" to be done.  The flylady way is to fly through the house with a feather duster once a week on my home blessing day (a nice way of saying cleaning day).  Yes, I just move the dust around, but it sure looks a lot better than it did before and later when I do my 15 minutes of "zone work" I can dust correctly in just that one zone.  Eventually it all gets done and without all the hoopla of perfection.

So here's where the aha moment came in.  I had spent my five minutes wiping down the bathroom, putting a load of laundry in, I unloaded the dishwasher and did my 15 minutes of decluttering, all in 30 minutes!  In the past I would have hem hawed all day about getting all this done.  Sheesh.  Anyways, I did all this, noticed how nice it was outside and really felt like going for a walk.  Remember, I normally only give myself 12 minutes to workout because that's all I have time for.  But because I had spent 30 minutes getting all those other things done, I gave myself permission to take my son and go for a nice, long walk.  We stopped and looked at the ducks, I let him out of the stroller so he could walk and play.  It was wonderful!  I just kept thinking how normally I would have been rushing to get back because I had so much to do.  Because I let go of my striving for perfection in my housework, I was able to enjoy myself and my son.  And you know what?  Somebody could have stopped by and my house may not have been spotless, but I would have had clean bathrooms and I wouldn't have been in my pajamas!

I guess all this is to say that in some ways, I absolutely strive for perfection.  I have an idea in my head of how things should be done, what kind of mom, wife, friend, employee I should be and if I don't have the time or energy to do it correctly (perfectly), I just have to settle for being less than perfect, which usually means I don't even try.  And I constantly beat myself up for this, living in this state of "not good enough!"  It sounds so dumb, because I really do know that I CANNOT be perfect!  Why does it not seem okay to just do what we can do?  God doesn't ask for perfection, why in the world should we be striving for it?  Yes, I want to be a great mom, friend, wife, employee, but if I have myself so tied up in perfectionism, I'm too afraid to actually try.  I'm learning that by letting go of the perfectionism in the keeping of my home, I actually have more time and energy to put into being a good wife, mom, friend and employee.  Not a perfect one, but a good one.  Thank you Flylady!

p.s.  check her out at www.flylady.net.  I get nothing for promoting her, I just love her!

Pinterest, a Love/Hate Relationship

Simplify.  This has been my word for a few years now.  I desire a simple life, low stress, surrounded by only things I truly need.  I think it began when I moved from a 1500 square foot house to a 900 square foot apartment.  This took some serious downsizing and I realized I didn't really need all that stuff anyways.  I began looking for other ways to decrease material things and increase my joy and satisfaction with my life as it is.  It's a struggle in a world that says you need a large home, the latest gadgets, a closet full of fashionable clothes (and shoes), and fun toys to have a good life.  I was dabbling in this process of simplifying when I found Pinterest.

I love the idea, I really do, and after a few days I began telling everybody I knew that they had to try this site.  I began pinning anything and everything that seemed like a great idea.  I decided there was no need to buy a scarf, when I could make one "so easily" on my own.  There's no need to buy Christmas presents when I could "so easily" craft them.  I pinned creative activities to do with my children, I pinned creative organizing tips, cleaning tips, and recipes for homemade EVERYTHING.  I was gung ho, went shopping for the supplies I would need to do all these things and pulled out the sewing machine.  Here's what I discovered:  I hate spending the few minutes alone I have during the day sewing and it's impossible to sew with a toddler, at least in my house.  Honestly, I don't really like sewing and I'm really not good at it.  I tried my hand at jewelry making which the boys promptly invaded.  The evening ended with my husband and I completely frustrated trying to figure out how to complete the necklaces and bracelets my kids were beading a mile a minute.  There was yelling and tears, I'm not proud of it.  I bought tiles and felt pads at Home Depot two years ago with the intention of making personalized coasters.  They're still in the garage.  I pinned a whole bunch of meaningful Advent ideas that I never quite got around to putting in place, birthday party ideas I'll never have the patience to actually do and craft ideas that now just have my head spinning.  AHHHH!!!

So it's a new year.  My desire, again, is to simplify my life.  I've thought and prayed about where God wants me this year, what things should I commit to that utilize the talents and abilities He has given me.  And you know what?  It's not in being crafty.  As much as I would like to be artistic and make all the gifts I give, that's just not my talent and I'm pretty sure God's not honored by me trying to be someone I'm not.  It's also not in planning amazing parties or activities for my children.  As much as they would love to have a mom who could party plan with the best, I think they would also love a mom who's not completely stressed because she's trying to pull of something she doesn't even like doing.  What I do love and seem to have some talent at is cooking healthy meals for my family.  And not over the top healthy, with foods we can't afford to buy.  I'm going to do the best I can with the foods available to me and not feel guilty.  I also love writing.  I would so much rather use my free time writing than struggling with a sewing machine.  I'm not sure what that will look like, but when I have the time, I will write.  I discovered last year that I love praying.  I learned to spend good, quality time listening to God and spending time with Him.  And then I committed myself to too much other stuff and missed out on that time with Him.  This year I will spend time praying.  And there you have it.  There's a lot of other things that pull for my attention that I don't really have much choice about, a 2 year old, for instance.  I love my crazy life with three busy boys and an even busier husband.  I must care for my children and husband, I must work and I must attempt to keep a clean home.  But after that, I will cook, I will write, and I will pray.

Kickin' the Bottle

All right, it's confession time.  I'm a closet hippie.  I secretly have this desire to live on a farm with all of my closest friends, with cows and chickens and a large garden.  (As long as I don't have to touch or even get close to the chickens.)  I think it would be cool to work together to provide for each other.  Somebody could teach the kids (not me), somebody could cook, somebody could sew our clothes, etc. etc. etc.  Am I crazy?  I also do things like can fresh produce, make most of my own cleaning products, use coconut oil for everything, I've used cloth diapers and I stopped washing my hair.  Yep, you read right, I don't wash my hair.  With shampoo, that is.  When I first started looking into this no-poo phenomenon I read a ton of blogs by other people who had done it and that's what gave me the courage to try.  So here I am posting my story of kicking the shampoo bottle habit so maybe somebody else will decide to give it a go.

I'm no scientist, but here's my understanding of why we should even stop using shampoo in the first place.  I'm sure you've all heard about all the chemicals and nasty stuff in shampoo.  But at the very basic level, shampoo seems to strip our hair and scalp of all the natural oils our body creates.  In response, our body produces more oil, so we need to shampoo more often and the cycle continues.  Instead, I've started using baking soda to wash my hair.  It has a very low pH level so it doesn't strip my hair of oil, but it's deodorizing and "scrubby" so it cleans.  After I wash with baking soda I use apple cider vinegar as a sort of conditioner.  It detangles and makes my hair shiny, I don't know why, I just know it works.

So here's how it went for me.  I started looking into it about a year ago but was very hesitant to try it because of the transition period.  I read this transition period could last from 2 weeks to 3 months in which your hair could be greasy and nasty.  I just didn't see how I could go to work and church with a greaseball head!  Finally this summer I decided to try it during my girls trip.  I figured at least I would be on vacation with girls that would love me even if my hair was nasty.  I took hats and scarfs and headbands expecting the worst.  On that trip, my hair wasn't that bad and I figured this was going to be way easier than I expected.  Even the next week wasn't so bad.  After that, though, I noticed a nasty greasy feel to my hair as if it just wasn't getting clean.  It looked pretty clean, it didn't smell, and it held a curl like no other, but it had a funny texture I wasn't fond of.  At this point, though, the itchy scalp and dandruff that had been plaguing me since I had my 2 year old had disappeared.  I figured it was worth it even if the texture was a little funny.  Another month down the road, I still had the weird texture and decided to wash my hair with shampoo.  It was amazing, it felt so silky and smelled so good and I thought I'd probably just give up on the no-poo thing.  BUT, the next day my hair was limp and lifeless and my scalp started to smell.  You know, that smell you get when your scalp is oily and dirty?  I had been going 4 days in between washing with no smell.  So I persevered.  All in all, after 3 months of transition, my hair turned a corner.  All of a sudden, I have that silky hair back, no weird texture, I wash it every 4 days with the baking soda/apple cider vinegar and my scalp is not itchy or flaky.  AND, I don't use any product.  No mousse, no straightening cream, no gel.  No nothing!  I was a slave to product before.  I am SO happy with it!

Here's how I do it.  I have a squeeze bottle in my shower I use for the baking soda.  I put about 1 Tablespoon of baking soda to 1 cup of water, mix it together and pour it in the squeeze bottle.  I squeeze it all over my head, making sure to get underneath and then I scrub.  This is very important!  Scrub, scrub, scrub until every inch of your scalp has been scrubbed.  This is mainly for your scalp, I don't even try and get it all the way down my hair.  Then let it sit for a minute.  Rinse.  I keep a spray bottle with straight apple cider vinegar in the shower.  I spray it all over my hair and then comb it through with a pick.  Leave it on for a minute and rinse well.  Yes, it smells!!  It even smells a bit when your hair is wet, but the minute it dries the smell disappears.  I promise!  That's it.  It's cheap, it's chemical-free and it works. I hope you decide to try it!

Screens

It feels like a lot of pressure to post something amazing here since it's been months since my last post.  I'm sure I'm the only one even thinking about that, though!  Every time I get an idea and start "writing" in my head, I dub it as not good enough and continue to put off writing.  I finally decided I just need to start!  So here I am, with a post that I'm sure will be far less than spectacular.  Mostly this post is about my husband and I finally doing something in our parenting that worked!

Last spring I read a little blurb in a magazine about television time.  The author described an idea they had to cut down on the amount of time their kids spent in front of the tv.  She was pleasantly surprised at how well it worked and I really liked the idea so I presented it to my husband.  He agreed it was worth a shot, but was less than confident that it would work on OUR kids.  The idea is this:  no "screens" Monday thru Friday.  That's right, no tv, no movies, no video games, no computer, no PSP, etc. etc. etc.  The catch is that on the weekend they get unrestricted screen privileges.  We talked to our kids about it just to get their take and they surprisingly agreed it was a good idea.

I think it's important you know why this seemed necessary in our house.  We had already set a rule that they get 30 minutes of screen time to use however they wanted.  The problem was they would come home from school and immediately race up to get to the screen of their choice first.  Then they would fight.  You know the drill, "he's not giving me a turn!", "I'm not going to get as much time as him", "he's playing the game I want to play".  This would go on and on.  Instead of making dinner, I would spend this part of my day refereeing, aka yelling.  I would inevitably forget the time and let them stay on their screens so I could get something done and then it would be dark, they would have a ton of energy and would inevitably start wrestling in the house.  Then, more yelling.  We tried many different ways of dealing with this, but nothing seemed to work for us.  A change was definitely needed.

So the first week went as expected.  They didn't complain about the lack of screen time, they did homework, played outside, complained of how bored they were, but definitely far better than before.  The weekend came and they vegged.  It was all I could do not to shut the tv off and make them go outside.  But I didn't.  They spent all day Saturday in front of screens and I seriously began to wonder what we were thinking.  Sunday was better as we had a full day planned and they didn't get any screen time.  The next week they didn't complain of being bored and never even asked about screen time.  The weekend was jam packed full of stuff and they got very little screen time.  The weekend after that they watched some tv and played some video games then went outside to play.  Fast forward to November.  They never ask about screen time during the week and never complain, it is just accepted.  Weekends are surprisingly free of fighting and stress about how much time they spend in front of screens.  We're so busy that they rarely have a free day on the weekend to spend in front of the tv, but they don't complain about it!!!

Here's why I think it works.  Kids have so little control of anything in their lives.  As parents we try to give them more control, more responsibility, but they don't always recognize it as such.  The minute we told our kids they could do something as much as they wanted and we would not stop them they were all in.  It didn't matter what they had to give up, they loved that they could have that control.  We, of course, gave them the caveat that as parents we would always have the last say and when we said to turn it off it still had to happen, but they've never questioned that.  It's so hard for me to let go and let them have some control, to trust that they are capable of making wise choices.  This screen time experiment has been such a good parenting lesson for me.  My job is not to make them act a certain way, be who I want them to be, or control every aspect of their lives until they're out of my house.  My job is to slowly give them more and more freedom, act with grace when they don't use that freedom wisely and allow them to experience consequences that will help them learn what happens when we make poor choices.  Right now, when they're young and in an environment where they are loved and accepted is the time for them to practice what they'll do with freedom.  When they move out and have the opportunity to make all the decisions, I want them to already have that practice.  I want them to know what it's like to make mistakes and still be loved and accepted even while dealing with the consequences.  I want them to lean on Jesus and His grace because they've seen the example of grace in our home.  We have a lot of work to do, but it's a start!

Transparent Again

Wow, it's been a long, crazy summer.  I have a feeling we have many more of them to come!  I think we're done travelling, baseball has turned into soccer and we're gearing up for school.  One of the best parts about summer for me is the annual girls trip I get to go on.  My husband is kind enough to let me go, my in-laws are crazy enough to watch my children and I get to spend a week with some amazing women I love being around.  One of my favorite parts of the girls trip this year was spending every morning outside, each of us with our own bible, devotional and journal spending time with God and each other for hours.  My journal has never been so full!

The book I read during these special mornings was The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus  by Brennan Manning.  If you have never read any of his books, you should.  I have been so impacted by everything I've read by him.  God really spoke to me about a lot of things through reading this book, but one of the main things he revealed to me was regarding transparency.  I started this blog with the desire to be transparent, to let others know there's somebody else out there who doesn't have it all together and isn't afraid to show it!  I still think it's a good idea, I always feel better when I know I'm not the only one who's ever been through a rocky marriage, lost a sippy cup of milk under the couch for a week, or forgotten my kids piano lessons three weeks in a row.  Yep, three weeks.  Surely I'm not the only one who's done those things, right?  I truly have the desire to be transparent by always being open and honest about my struggles, failures and successes, but God has shown me that it sometimes just sounds self-deprecating and drawing attention to myself in a different way.  So here's another area I need to find some balance.  How can I be transparent without just drawing attention to myself, seeking the approval of others in a negative way?

Brennan Manning says "The bottom line is that the transparent Christian resembles Jesus, becomes a professional lover who is motivated by compassion in all that he or she thinks, says and does."  So the best way I can think to find this balance is, instead of drawing attention to myself and my struggles, I use those struggles to compel me to compassion for others in their struggles.  I realize I used the word struggle in that sentence much more than is probably necessary.  The point is, I need to let compassion drive all I think, say and do rather than just the desire to be transparent.  I've been going about this transparency thing all wrong!  It's all well and good to write about being transparent, put out all my "stuff" here for you all to read and identify with, but if I'm not using that stuff to compel me to compassion it doesn't mean anything.  My new prayer is, "Lord, help me to see your children through your eyes, give me your compassion and love for those around me.  Help me pay attention to the part of me that breaks for others and help me DO something instead of just feeling."  I want to be a professional lover!

Balance

I think before I begin I need to give you an idea of what a week in our family looks like.  I promise I'm not trying to win a contest for the busiest family, I know we wouldn't win and it's not something I want to win at!!  So here it is.  Sunday is church which begins with set-up at 7:30 am and ends somewhere around 12:30 when everything is finally put back in the trailer.  Life Team Sunday afternoon/evening.  Monday middle child baseball game.  Tuesday I work most of the day, middle child piano lesson, oldest child baseball game.  Wednesday middle child baseball game, oldest child baseball practice.  Thursday I work again, oldest child baseball game.  Friday-nothing scheduled but that ALWAYS changes.  Saturday usually yard work that my husband doesn't have time for during the week due to coaching both boys in baseball!  So days are not so bad right now because it's summertime, but we're at the baseball field four nights of the week!  What in the world am I supposed to do about dinner?  How am I ever going to get the little guy to bed at a decent time? I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy for stressing about this type of schedule, but I am indeed stressing.

I know sports are important for kids social as well as physical development and I want my kids to have the opportunity to try a bunch of sports, activities, etc., while they're young so they can narrow them down by the time they get to jr. high/high school.  BUT, I hate having our family running a million different directions all the time and being too busy to cultivate our relationships with each other much less with other people in our lives.  So my question to you is, how in the world do you find that balance?  I used to think I had it under control.  My kids were younger then...Now it's a constant struggle for me and I need to know if I just need to accept that this is what our like is going to look like until our kids go to college (and maybe even beyond that) or do I fight against it?  I guess it would be a lot less stress on me if I were just to resign myself to the business, but I can't help feeling we're subjecting our family to unneeded stress.  I start to see my kids getting exhausted, fighting, having an attitude with me and I see myself doing the same thing!

We have limited it to one sport at a time, but we have two kids involved in sports in different age brackets which equates to constant sports.  My middle guy wants to learn guitar but must learn piano first, we're trying to encourage him in his interests.  My oldest guy loves hunting (well, he loves the idea of hunting, has yet to pull the trigger) so lots of time is spent practicing shooting, learning, spending time with dad in the woods.  How do I encourage them in their interests, talents and abilities while still maintaining some sort of stability in our home?  Just one more area of parenting I have a great fear of failing at, am probably stressing over something that can't be helped, worrying rather than enjoying this stage in our lives, etc. etc. etc.  But I would love ideas, suggestions, what works or doesn't work for your family!

Hoarders

I'm on a roll here, my mind's been going non-stop the past couple weeks and I feel the need to get it all down.  I'm not sure why, but lately I've been watching shows like Clean House and Hoarders when I work out.  They're not particularly motivating for my workout, but they're just about the right length and I'm strangely addicted to them.  Now, I'm somewhat in the mental health field and I recognize that some of these people really do have mental disorders.  However, it is so hard for me to understand how these people can accumulate so much stuff (much of it actual trash, no joke) in the first place, why in the world they have a hard time letting it go, and how they can let it get back to the awful state it was only months after getting it all cleaned up!!  I get so frustrated at this every time I watch.  Hmm, maybe that's the connection.  If I'm frustrated, I work out harder!

Anyways, yesterday as I was making my post-workout protein shake it hit me:  This is exactly what I do with Jesus.  There's this great clip we've watched in church a few times where Jesus offers to take this lady's bag of trash, she gives it to Him, feels so free and then immediately goes back to retrieve "just this one thing" from the trash bag.  So here I am, accumulating all this sin in my life, carrying it around on my shoulders, feeling so burdened by it.  Jesus reminds me that He wants to take this from me, I just have to give it to Him.  At first it sounds great, "Yes, Jesus, please take it away from me!"  But then I see all the little things He's taking that are really hard for me to give up and I cringe a bit, fight a bit, even hold on just a little bit longer...  Eventually I give it all over to Him, love the feeling of being free from the weight of it, look around me enjoying things I hadn't been because I was so crushed by the guilt and burden of my sin.  And this lasts a while.  But then I realize I kinda liked that one little thing, maybe I could just take that back.  It's only a little sin and it's not really hurting anybody.  Oh, and that other one, yeah that wouldn't be a bad one to have back.  Next thing you know I've got a whole trash bag of sin weighing me down again.  Yep, I'm a hoarder.

I wish I had all the answers, how to stop accumulating trash, how to give it to Jesus and never take it back.  But I think I'm like some of those hoarders with true mental disorders.  I don't believe there's a medicine they can take that will make them not want to accumulate stuff, I think they have to wake up every morning and remind themselves to be aware.  They have to deliberately stop and think before every purchase, force their body to clean something when their mind doesn't want to, be constantly on the lookout for their old way of life creeping back in.  I guess I have to do the same thing.  Be very aware of my sinful tendencies, ask the Holy Spirit for conviction when I want to stray, notice when I start to feel burdened and guilty.  And you know what, Jesus will take the trash I give Him as many times as I need to give it to Him.  He'll forgive me every time I screw up and try to take my trash back.  That's just the way He is and I sure am glad there's hope for hoarders like me.