I just want them to GET it!

I'm going to go ahead and skip over the apologies and excuses for not having written for so long.  There's a reason, maybe someday I'll write about it.  But today...

It's always this time of year more than any other that I really want my kids to get it.  I desire for them to really see Jesus, to get the specialness of His birth, to get the reason we celebrate Christmas.  (And, yes, I know specialness isn't really a word, I just like it, so I'm using it!)  But every year I begin to stress out a bit that it's not happening.  There's possibly some comparison going on as I see the traditions and fun other moms post about all over Facebook.  And I love the traditions I see happening, I love that my friends' children will look back with such fond memories of Christmas!  But I just can't seem to fathom making it happen in my home.  I mean, there's still work to do, meals to plan and make, a home to keep in some sort of order, homework and sports, and, and, and.  Then there's all the parties, food-making for these parties and present making/buying on top of it all.  It's all a little much for this mom.  I run out of time and energy to make it special and then my kids are acting greedy and I'm yelling at them for not being grateful and then I'm blogging about the epic fail Christmas is in our home.

But this year I've consciously changed my focus.  Instead of trying to add things or activities or really anything requiring extra time or energy to make the season special, I've decided to focus on me. No, I haven't gotten a massage or pampered myself.  I've decided to focus on my attitude, my heart and the state of gratefulness (or lack of) that it's in.  I've decided it's more important for my kids to see me living out the specialness of the season than doing things to make it special.  I'm slowing down, spending lots of time in prayer and reflection, spending quality time with the people I love, serving others where I have the opportunity (and with a happy heart), and giving up on anything that brings stress or "shoulds" to my life.

I don't know if my kids get it, honestly.  Of course, I think my kids are amazing, but as of now, I don't see especially cheerful, giving hearts in them.  But my hope is that when they look back on Christmas next year and years down the road, they won't have memories of a crazy, stressed out mom.  They also won't have memories of concrete, fun yearly traditions (I just have to face that it's not happening here).  Hopefully what they'll remember is a mom who really loved Jesus and lived that out.  That they'll remember a mom truly touched by the birth of her Savior, able to put everything else aside and revel in that, especially during the Christmas season.

Decompression

I've been wrestling with my priorities lately and hating that I've been so busy.  However, I'm not convinced I've done anything wrong.  This summer's been crazy and I've been very involved in projects for work and causes I'm passionate about.  It's taken me away from my kids some, but they've also witnessed their mom putting time and energy into things that are eternal.  They've seen their mom care about people and causes and put that care into action. They've seen that there are things more important in the big picture than them having fun or being entertained every day.  I don't feel bad about that.

But now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and ready to decompress a little.  And I think that's okay, too.  I'll start saying no to big projects for a while and spend my time helping with homework, watching my boys play football and attempting to get my household back in working order.

As I've been wrestling with my priorities, I've been putting pressure on myself to be one way or the other. Either throw myself into my passions or wait on those until my kids are gone and spend this time wholly with them.  But I wasn't feeling good about making that choice, either way.  My kids deserve my time and attention, but they also deserve to see their mom using her gifts and strengths to help others.  How do I expect them to develop empathy and compassion for others or to develop a desire to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves if they don't see it modeled by me?

I realize I may not be in the majority with this idea, and I'm okay with that.  I believe wholeheartedly that God gives us all strengths, gifts and desires of our heart that are very individual to us.  He may be calling you to care about people in a different way than He's called me, in a way that does not take you away from your family.  Amazing!  Live in that and thank God for it!  As for me, I have to learn to take my life in short seasons, some seasons for being very actively involved where He calls me and some for being fully present for my family.  He gives me strength and grace for both and I trust Him to fill in any gaps.

For now, I'm working towards decompressing.  If you're looking for some empathetic individual to take on your cause in this season, you'll have to find somebody else.  Ask me next year!

He Loves Me

Three years ago I attended a conference with some volunteers and staff from the local pregnancy center.  At the conference there was a group of ladies who wanted to bless the conference attendees in a way that sounded very weird to this Southern Baptist-raised girl.  They had been learning to really listen to what God was telling them about themselves and then went further to be able to listen what God was telling them about others.  I decided it was way out of my comfort zone and I wasn't sure at all that it was "okay" so I did not sign up to be blessed by them.  But throughout the weekend, I kept hearing from others how special it was to hear from God through these ladies words and that the things that were said spoke straight to their hearts.  A friend and I hesitantly decided we'd give it a try on the very last day.  I cannot even explain how amazing it was.  They prayed with me and held my hands and listened.  And from the moment they started speaking, the tears started flowing for me (I know, I know, that's not really a difficult feat).  My friend had the job of recording the words they spoke as best she could.  While I feel the words are personal and part of me wants to keep them all to myself, I also feel they tell a cool story about God in my life, so I'm going to share them here.

Encouraging words for Nicole  9/18/2011

I see a picture of a tree, and a heart.  You are well-rooted in His love.  There is a beauty about you and a gift of creativity.  A creativity in the uniqueness in your ministry.  You're very sensitive, caring and tender in your approach with people.  The Lord will bless people through your creativity and your love for the Lord.  You are picture perfect.  Your life pleases the Lord so much.  You are a blessing to humanity and to the Lord, not in the doing but in the being.  Your heart is poured out to the Lord, but He wants to pour to you a refreshing, an annointing in your ministry.  But there's more.  In your downloading, conversing with the Lord - He's laughing - a wonderful, fun relationship with the Lord.  Your heart is open and yielded to Him.  Walking with Him "where I go, you go".  More and more you will be speaking the Lord's words because you are yielded to Him.  It is going to "whet your whistle for more".  He's going to have more for you.  "You are My beloved".  He cherishes you.

Pretty cool, right?  It was definitely like God was speaking directly to me and the words about our relationship were so right on, it was good to know it wasn't just me that thought so :-)  You know, "does he like me as much as I like him?"  Obviously I know in my head how much He loves me, but hearing it in this way made is so very real, my heart knew it for sure.  The only thing I couldn't figure out was all the talk about my ministry.  I had just begun working for a Christian adoption agency as a birth parent counselor and adoptive family caseworker, but I didn't really identify it as my ministry.  But I didn't have any other ministry that I could think of.  And I certainly didn't think I was creative!  I went away feeling so loved and certainly blessed, but a bit confused.

If you've read my posts from the past year, you know I've recently discovered my creativity.  It wasn't until about a year after this conference that I began singing on the worship team at church and another year after that before I began playing the piano again at home.  And while I absolutely love doing that and feel so privileged to do so, I couldn't help doubting my abilities, that I was good enough to have anybody listen to me.  I also thought this can't be it, there must be something more I should be doing that I'm just missing.  Recently, I've had quite a few people tell me how much they love when I sing on the worship team.  At first I thought they were just being nice and I appreciated the encouragement.  But more and more people started commenting to me that something about me worshiping brought them to a place of worship, also.  I couldn't really figure out what this meant, but wow what an awesome responsibility and not one I felt ready or equipped to handle!

Then, a couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to spend some time alone with God.  This just doesn't happen often for me.  I was aching for this time with Him, knowing there was stuff He needed to tell me, I just needed to be in a place to really listen.  I settled into a quiet area outside surrounded by nature with my Bible and a notebook, ready and waiting for all God had to reveal to me.  What He told me is "there's not more."  Huh?  He told me I'm doing what He wants me to.  He did not make me a performer, a songwriter, a recording artist, or a concert pianist.  He created me to worship Him with a heart completely yielded to Him.  And when I do my love for Him, my awe for Him, is apparent to everyone around me.  I guess that's why I feel so alive when I worship, whether it's on stage, in the back row at church, or in my car.  It certainly "whets my whistle for more"!  So for now, and for as long as He calls me for this purpose and allows me the privilege of doing so, I'll use the gifts He's given me, not because they're so amazing, but because He gave them to me and He can make something of them.

Lazy

It's been entirely too long since I've written anything.  Summer is so crazy and I'm out of my routine.  I'm just realizing how much I miss writing, though, and how the ideas stop coming when I'm not engaging.  Kind of that "use it or lose it" thing.  So here I am.  I don't really have time, I definitely don't have ideas, but I'm starting.

I don't know what it is about summer that makes me lazy.  I suddenly struggle to get out of bed, I leave the dishes sitting until my husband gets fed up and does them, I have no energy or motivation to clean/organize/bake/work/etc.  I could redeem myself if I was having all kinds of fun with my kids but I'm not doing that, either.  It's sounds ridiculous and embarrassing to me as I write it, but it is what it is.  It's like it takes all my energy and focus to remain patient and kind with my kids all day every day, anything else might just push me over the edge.  So I guess I'll just continue, I'll endure.

If my kids can remember their mom as patient and kind (most of the time), I guess I can let go of that dream that they'll remember me as fun, clean, organized, etc. etc. etc.  I can live with that.  And a sane mom is pretty important, too!

A Home Study Worthy Marriage

You may not be aware of what my real job is.  As an adoption caseworker, part of my job is to assess families who are wanting to adopt a child.  This is the dreaded Home Study.  It involves intense interviews, questionnaires, autobiographies and a home inspection.  These families open up their lives to me and it’s my job to assess whether they’ve dealt with their issues enough to survive all that adopting a child may bring at them.  Talk about pressure!  Of course, I don’t make this decision on my own, I just gather the information and give recommendations.  Every time I finish a home study I leave thinking it’s a good thing I was able to conceive naturally because my husband and I would never have a home study approved.  It’s amazing to me how many of these couples can honestly tell me they would not change anything about their spouse, that they hardly ever argue, and that they can’t think of any weaknesses in their marriage.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, they’re either lying or my marriage is really messed up.  Either way, this last home study I did really got me thinking and evaluating the state of my marriage.

If I’m being real honest, I would say Satan attacks at least weekly trying to convince me that I should just give up.   He tells me that if things haven’t changed after 15 years, they’re not going to change.  He tells me I’ll never be happy.  He tells me that my husband and I are too different, have too much baggage and just don’t love each other enough to ever make it work.   And you guys, each time he attacks me with these lies, I’m tempted to believe them.  I hate admitting that!  I hate that I am so easily tempted to give up on something so important. 

Thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit sending off sirens when I start to become tempted by those lies.  And thankfully, I’ve learned that when those sirens go off, I need to slow down and focus on what I know to be true.  And here’s what I know to be true:  my husband and I absolutely won’t be able to make it work on our own.  We are too sinful, too unforgiving, and too selfish.  That’s why God designed marriage with Him at the center of it.  Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to us, but it does to God and He loves teaching us how to forgive, over and over and over.  I am absolutely incapable of overlooking my husband’s faults and loving him in spite of them.  But God helps me to see my husband through His eyes, he’s a sinner saved by grace just like me.  How can I hold that against him?  I am entirely too selfish, too prideful, and too competitive to be in a successful relationship without Christ in the middle of it. 

I truly believe this quote by John Piper from his book The Momentary Marriage.  He says, “The gospel of Christ crucified for our sins is the foundation of our lives.  Marriage exists to display it.  And when marriage breaks down, the gospel is there to forgive and heal and sustain until he comes, or until he calls.”  We sin, conflicts occur, our marriage struggles, but with God at the center of it we are able to forgive, He heals, and we move forward.  My marriage may not be home study worthy, but it is a constant example of the healing, redemptive, restoring work of Christ.  So I’ll keep moving forward, daily working at it, praying, and keeping my eyes on the only One who is capable of making something out of the mess we bring to the table.  

Confidence

I never used to think of myself as someone who lacked confidence.  I always thought I was just very realistic.  I mean, realistically, I knew I didn’t have the opportunities and coaching as a volleyball player as I would have had in a larger city, nor was I 6 foot tall and therefore my abilities were not at the Division I College level.  That’s realistic.  I knew my abilities as a piano player were not at concert pianist level, totally realistic.  I knew I could carry a tune, pick out harmonies and be a good back-up singer for those with more impressive voices.  Very true and very realistic.

I’ve always believed God gives us all gifts, His purpose is always to turn hearts toward Him and for some reason He wants to use us crazy humans to do that.  I was content in admitting my limitations and moving on, figuring there must be other gifts He’d given me, other areas He could really use me, because those gifts were obviously not good enough.   Years later I found myself very busy with things that drained me, very involved, very active but finding no fulfillment, purpose or meaning in any of them.  I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way when I was actively serving in church, spending time in prayer and studying my bible, serving my family and others.  I was severely lacking confidence and joy but I didn’t know why or how to change it. 

I’ve been writing about my journey through The Creative Call these past six months as I’ve been exploring and identifying the gifts God’s given me and discovering my creative call.  It turns out a huge part of this journey has been God restoring the confidence I never thought I lacked.  I’m having so much fun using the gifts He’s given me, gifts I thought weren’t good enough just months ago, and living in this place of knowing I am pleasing Him and glorifying Him.  That’s exactly where I want to be and it’s so enjoyable to be there without second guessing myself all the time.

It’s funny, because from the outside it may look as if nothing’s changed.  I still go about my day much the same as I always did.  There’s still the monotony of cleaning, cooking, and caring for my family.  My job hasn’t changed, the way I spend most of my time hasn’t changed.  I’m still busy and involved in many things.  But when I play the piano now, I play with purpose and confidence instead of guilt and frustration over having let it go for so long.  I know my practice is making me better, bringing me closer to a goal and I know the music I play, even the wrong notes, are pleasing to my Lord.   When I sing, I’m singing a little louder, a little stronger, with the confidence that I am right where God wants me.  With an attitude of praise and a heart of worship that I know without a doubt pleases Him, no matter what I sound like or whether anybody else hears me or not.  When I write, I write from a humble place, knowing I have a long ways to go but knowing also that it’s a journey God has me on and I need to be diligent in continuing that journey.  What a difference and what a joyous way to live!

I didn’t even know this is what I was working toward.  I didn’t know what God had in store for me and I still don’t know where I'm headed.  But I am confident I have the ability, only through Him, to be wherever He takes me.  I am confident only in Him and the freedom He has given me.  I need only to live in that, willingly, joyfully and thankfully.  

Clean - Home Edition

I know you’re all on pins and needles waiting for this.  The stars of my last post were baking soda and coconut oil with a bit of castile soap and apple cider vinegar.  Introducing today’s star:  Vinegar!!

I’m sure you all have noticed the Pinterest articles and Facebook posts about the amazing things that can be done with vinegar.  If you haven’t tried them, though, you’re in luck.  Because I’ve tried them and have landed on what I think are the most effective, cheap, non-toxic cleaners for your home.  I’ll also include a couple of things I just think it’s worth buying.  If you’re a housewife like me who needs things done efficiently, effectively and for as cheap as possible, you might find this post helpful.   Or it may just further convince you I really am a dirty hippie J

First things first, whenever I peel an orange, lemon, grapefruit, or lime, I throw it in a Ziploc bag in the freezer.  Then, when I have time, I put the peels in a jar and fill it up with plain white vinegar.  Left to sit for a few weeks, this makes a citrusy smelling vinegar that has extra cleaning power.  I definitely prefer it to plain vinegar smell as I’m cleaning and I love reusing things that would normally be thrown away.  I put this vinegar into spray bottles in each of my bathrooms.  I also cut up old t-shirts as rags and keep them in the bathroom.  The goal is to daily spray and wipe down the sinks and toilets.  Reality is, this happens a couple times a week.  Vinegar really works to cut through the grime.  I also use it on the mirrors.  As long as I use a microfiber cloth, there are no streaks.  No more Windex in my house!

When the showers are looking a bit grimy I spray them down with a mixture of 1 t. Dawn dish soap and 1 cup white vinegar.  This stuff is amazing!  I spray it on, leave for about 10 minutes and then just wipe it off with a cloth and rinse.  All the scum comes right off!  I used to use a daily shower spray and have experimented with a more diluted Dawn/Vinegar  every day solution, but honestly it’s just easier for me to clean it every couple of weeks. 

For the toilets, I spray them with the straight citrus vinegar and take a scrub brush to them.  This seems to do the trick well.    And for the floors, vinegar and hot water.  Vinegar is amazing, I’m telling you!  It disinfects, prevents mildew, dissolves dirt and grime, it simply cleans.  And if you’re worried about the smell, don’t!  It dissipates as soon as it dries so it will only smell for a little bit. 

For the kitchen, I make an all-purpose cleaner.  The basic recipe is:  ½ t. castile soap, 1 t. borax, ½ cup citrus vinegar and fill the rest of the spray bottle up with water.  This recipe just provides extra cleaning power for surfaces our food is on J  I use it on the counters, table, booster seat, appliances and sink.  I also try to spray the sink with straight vinegar every night and wipe it down just to make it shiny.  The floors get mopped with vinegar and hot water. 

I want you to know I have really tried to make my own dishwasher detergent and laundry detergent.  I’ve tried many different recipes, powdered, liquid, simple, very difficult.  None of them have worked well enough for me or been worth the time, effort, and weird ingredients.  So, I buy them.  I’m happy with the cheap Arm ‘n Hammer laundry detergent I can get in bulk size at Sam’s and I love the Members Mark liquid dishwasher detergent from Sam’s.  I use about half what the label calls for of both of these and still have good results.  I know, I know, they are toxic, but a girl can only do so much, right?  I choose not to worry or stress about it.  I put vinegar in the Jet Dry spot of the dishwasher which works wonderfully.  I also use vinegar as my fabric softener and love the results.  I just throw a couple dryer balls in the dryer with the clothes to prevent static cling.

That’s about it.  Vinegar is stupid cheap in huge bottles at Sams J  You can clean your entire house for cheap, cheap, cheap!  The hard part is actually getting motivated to clean.  This is why we’ve employed a family cleaning day on Sunday afternoons.  My husband acts as the drill sergeant handing out assignments and ensuring they’re done correctly and we all run around like crazy getting it all done.  It takes less than an hour and has been so helpful for me.  The rest of the family may not agree, but I love it!  

Thanks for bearing with me as I share all this.  I know these posts are long, but I promise it’s easier than it sounds!  You probably haven’t noticed, but I happen to be a bit word-y J